Pistons-Magic Preview
Also: The stupidity of certain humans; and Greg Oden’s stubborn and infuriating refusal to cooperate.
By Ryan Jones
Hi. I’m Ryan, and I’ll be your guide to the first-round NBA Eastern Conference Playoff series between the Detroit Pistons and Orlando Magic. Please, have a seat.
Two pressing orders of business before we get to the Pistons’ pending five-game victory. First, I assume some of you saw these diary posts from Class of 2007 prep standout P*trick P*tterson. The diaries themselves aren’t really noteworthy, but the comments — in a very specifically sad, f*cked-up way — are.
Like most of what I and others write on slamonline, this post is intended for a certain kind of reader: rabid, knowledgeable basketball fans with a sense of humor and, just as important, a sense of perspective. We all have our rooting interests and regional biases, and a general age range that (I’d guess) runs from about 12 to 50 means that perspective and knowledge can vary pretty greatly. We all say some stupid sh*t from time to time, and a lot of us disagree with each other on a regular basis. But what I like about being a part of this dot-com foolishness is that, for the most part, the majority of people who regularly contribute to slamonline, whether as bloggers or commenters (or, um, both), don’t come off like idiots. This is the extended SLAM-fam that I’m proud to claim as my own.
Sadly, though entertainingly, there are exceptions.
I watched amazed over the past few days as people who’ve clearly NEVER posted on this site before, and probably had never even seen it, started posting all over P*trick’s diary. I assume they found out through somebody’s Google alert (hence the semi-serious asterisk in every mention of his name here), or maybe one of them pasting the link on one of those your-school-name-here message boards was sufficient to spread the word. Regardless, it was remarkable to watch the posts increase suddenly, every 30 or 60 minutes, by clumps of 10 or 20 comments at a time, which pretty clearly implied first-time posters waiting to get their initial comments OK’d. Taken one short step further, it pretty clearly implied a group of similarly facile thinkers who travelled to slamonline en masse for the sole purpose of trying to convince an 18-year-old kid they’ve never met and probably (hopefully) never will that they know what a wonderful person he is and that, honest to goodness, their school is so much better than all the other schools he could be affiliated with between September 2007 and April 2008.
If you’ve seen my comments on those pages, my feelings on these people and the absurdity of their existence should be pretty clear.
I’m writing this, here and now, under the assumption that mostly only regular slamonline readers will read it, and get it. I feel sort of dirty, like the Lou Dobbs of basketball writers, railing against these unwanted immigrant hoop commenters; the difference, thankfully, is that unlike the people sneaking over the borders, these clowns aren’t actually doing any work that needs to be done.
Just thought you should know…
And the other thing: As I write this, it’s not official, but it seems the talented Mr. Oden is doing the unthinkable and declaring for the 2007 NBA Draft. This, you may remember, conflicts with my predictions for Greg’s immediate future. Here, then, are three possible Ryan Jones responses to this apparently pending announcement.
1) You could say I was “wrong” when I said Greg Oden would definitely not be in the 2007 NBA Draft, but I like to think of it as being “less-right.”
2) Yo, you guys got PUNK’D! I can’t believe you thought I was serious! I, uh…
3) F*ck you, Oden.
Anyway, here’s the deal: I thought Oden would stay for another year because a) he’s kind of a different kid, and one who seemed like he’d enjoy just being a college student more than most big-time athletes; b) I figured his hand injury would slow his game down enough that we wouldn’t see him at 100 percent (especially on offense) for most, if not all, of his freshman season; and c) I didn’t think a freshman-dominated OSU team would go deep enough in the Tourney to leave him feeling like he’d done all he could do in college.
And the verdict: a) Clearly, he enjoyed being a “student-athlete,” but since OSU doesn’t actually make its athletes go to class, there’s no part of that experience he can’t replicate in the NBA; b) as we all know, the hand injury actually made Oden better, forcing him to develop his off hand and proving his work ethic in the process. Basketball-wise, other than being seven feet tall, it might be the best thing that could’ve happened to him; and c) I didn’t give nearly enough credit to the fact that unlike, say, the Michigan Fab Five, this OSU squad had a couple of really good upperclassmen who contributed a lot to their run. As it is, they got just as far as the Wolverines did, but without cats like Harris, Lewis and Butler, I still don’t think they get out of the second round.
As it is, making it to the national title game appears to have been enough for Greg, and I’m not mad. He never should’ve had to go to college in the first place. Can’t wait to see him in Memphis next season.
Alright then… Pistons-Magic. Because I’ve already rambled on about a lot of other stuff, and because I don’t have real high expecations for this series, I’m tempted to just plagiarize the entire series preview on nba.com. But that would be wrong, so instead, I’ll just steal their opening paragraph:
“The No.1 seeded Pistons started off the season 3-5 while the No. 8 seeded Magic started off 13-4. It’s not about how you start, it’s how you finish.”
Yes. Thanks. That’ll be all.
For those of you who, for reasons unknown to me, would like a bit more, here are my Five Key Bullet-Point X-Factors Matchups To Watch:
1) Head-to-Head: The Pistons swept the Magic 4-0 this year. Three of those games were relatively close, and one—in Detroit about in late February—was a blowout. That overall record, and the fact that three of those games were played in the past two months, when the teams were theoretically settling into playoff mode, would seem not to bode well for Orlando.
2) Key Players: This Dwight Howard kid looks pretty good—17.6 ppg, 12.3 rpg, 1.9 bpg, 60 percent from the field, and he was actually a little bit above those terrific season averages against Detroit this year. Problem is, they didn’t actually win any of those games. Chauncey Billups, meanwhile, averaged 17 ppg and 7 apg for the season, but he dropped 26 per on the Magic this year. Me thinks he enjoys being guarded by short people.
3) Coaches: I’m not a Flip Saunders fan, per say, but unlike a lot of people, I’m also not convinced the guy can’t coach; as a rule, I save my Foolish Statements of Certainty for predicting when dominant college freshmen will or wil not declare for the Draft and leave the ones pertaining to coaching inability to Lang. Personally, I think this Pistons team is pretty much a self-motivator, which can be good and bad; I certainly don’t think anything Flip Saunders does with X’s & O’s will determine the outcome of this series. As for Brian Hill, well, I’ve always thought he had cool hair, plus I like coaches who went to colleges I’ve never heard of. Other than that, I’ll call this one a wash.
4) X-Factors: Based on their head-to-head stats this season, and without even making a cheap size joke, Jameer Nelson is worth one-half of Chauncey Billups. There’s nothing to imply that’ll change in the postseason, and the Magic will need to find a way to make up for that if they want to avoid a sweep. Can Grant Hill and Hedo Turkoglu outscore Rip Hamilton and Tayshaun Prince? Most likely not. And that leaves… DARKO! Yes, finally justice will be served, and Darko Milicic will make the Pistons pay dearly for their cold mistreatment… wait, sorry. He averaged about 6 points and 5 boards when they played each other this year. Never mind.
5) Intangibles: You know what? Intangibles are stupid. The Pistons have better players and more experience and sufficient motivation that this series really shouldn’t go more than four. But, first-round playoff series being what they are, and the Pistons being prone to spells of not giving much of a sh*t, I’ll give Orlando a home win, just to be nice. If you’re the sort of person who tries to watch every game of every series, god bless you. I am not, and I’m only gonna watch this series because I have to. Yay.
47 Responses to “Pistons-Magic Preview”
Apr.20 at 12:04 pm
AVT says:
FIRST…
detroit in 4
Apr.20 at 12:04 pm
Max Airington says:
I just read through that PP diary and, um, damn. Remedial math? Wow. Go Wildcats! Anyway, I find it interesting that when you use an asterisk to censor the word a**holes, the censor distnictly resembles the censored. Life is full of coincidences. I dont care about this series either, but I love you a little more for your honesty. And for “would you like fries with that”. Cliched, but appropriate under the circumstances.
Apr.20 at 12:24 pm
FLUD says:
HA ha ha ha ha… you said it max. Starholes. I reckon Dwight could be like the ‘05 Amare in this series. At least I hope so. However, I fear that old Detroit front line is too sly and wiley.
Apr.20 at 12:24 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Thanks Max. I regretted the fries thing the moment I wrote it, but given the intellectual caliber of the opposition, I couldn’t help myself.
Apr.20 at 12:25 pm
Alex says:
Didn’t Grant Hill also played for the Pistons sometime ago? I dont know if that will make him play harder or anything but Magic will need all the incentives they can find to have a chance against Pistons.
Apr.20 at 12:25 pm
albie1kenobi says:
i bought the intro hook line and sinker. it really made me feel like i’m about to venture to something awesome. well it was. seriously Ryan, i think you maybe the only writers (no dis to other Slam-fam members) who may make this series sound more interesting than it ever will be. please be as sarcastic as possible with your coverage. i won’t watch one game of the series but i sure will enjoy your writings. your pain is thousands’ of others’ joy.
Apr.20 at 12:27 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Thanks albie, but I have no doubt that, at the very least, Russ, Mutoni and Jake will come with sufficient bile as well. My exclusion of the others is not hate; they just tend not to be as sarcastic, and that’s probably for the best. Balance is good.
Apr.20 at 12:29 pm
Sam Rubenstein says:
The last time the Pistons played a 1st round series that anyone can remember details from was the time they came back from 3-1 to beat ORLANDO when T-Mac spoke too soon. Odds are this will fall into the category of their Milwaukee and Philly series. Good experience for Dwight though.
Apr.20 at 12:34 pm
Ben Osborne says:
Ryan, your take on the PP diary was tremendous. Really good stuff. I can’t give you too much credit on Oden though (besides being funny about it). He was ALWAYS going to go pro. He was always going to be the number-one pick. Everything suggesting otherwise on either topic has been a waste of breath/words.
Apr.20 at 12:35 pm
Max Airington says:
F*ck balance. More hate! And fries! And Camron! And Lang!
Apr.20 at 12:36 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Maybe so, Ben, but my contrarianism generated literally dozens of additional hits for the website. Can I expect my royalty check soon?
Apr.20 at 12:49 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
Ryan. Please consider making the decision to attend the University of Delaware. We’re only 45 minutes from Philadelphia, and our mascot is a blue chicken! There’s lots of sororities and binge drinking, and you without a doubt could be writing very important stories for the school paper from the moment you set foot on campus. I have no idea who the basketball coach is anymore, but since you have no game whatsoever, that shouldn’t make a damn bit of difference.
Apr.20 at 1:01 pm
Khalid Salaam says:
Pistons easy.
Apr.20 at 1:05 pm
albie1kenobi says:
that’s some classic sh#t, Russ. hahaha. i haven’t had time to check out/laugh at the madness of those commentors, but i will do that during commercials between games this weekend.
and Ryan, not saying others won’t suffice, just saying your style is best fit for this otherwise unwatchable series. we should have a tally to see how many Slamonline regulars actually watch any of the games in this series. i almost feel sorry for Ryan for having to go through this.
person A: “did you watch that jazz/rockets game, Ryan? that was an instant classic! quadriple OT!”
Ryan: “no, i was put into hibernation by 2nd quarter of the pistons/magic game. i overslept til sunday night in fact. i missed everything.”
Apr.20 at 1:38 pm
Mike says:
Is it still “binge drinking” if you do it all the time?
Apr.20 at 1:45 pm
H to the izzo says:
Is it weird that I’m genuinley surprised that Oden declared?Ryan is it time to start the O.J Mayo will not declare for the 08 draft yet?
Apr.20 at 1:50 pm
Sam Rubenstein says:
Go to the first Patrick Diary (”Diary Week Begins”) and look for the commenter named LARRY STRODE. Whoa.
Apr.20 at 1:56 pm
Ryan Jones says:
OJ’s already gone, izzo.
Apr.20 at 1:57 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Sam, that almost has to be a put-on, right? To make sure, you need to call that number — calls from the Dome aren’t traceable to the exact line, so you should be safe…
Apr.20 at 1:58 pm
H to the izzo says:
Holy Shit thats scary.Also look for a commenter named Bobby Boucher less scary.Somebody please phone that number and suggest mental help
Apr.20 at 2:14 pm
deestarbuckz a.k.a The Notorious H.*.*.E. says:
The P.P. diary is pretty sad… cyber age my ass. I am waiting for an NCAA sanction against SLAMONLINE! Hell, they are already going against text messaging. I guess it’s a good thing that you didn’t have Billy Donovan doing a blog or the UK fans would have spammed the hell out of that one too!
Apr.20 at 2:16 pm
Joel O's says:
Agree on how those commentors make you feel “dirty”; it’s almost like they’re destroying the sanctity of these comments sections. At least they’re not all over the site, right? Bunch of crazies… esp. that Strode dude, he’s nuts.
Apr.20 at 2:38 pm
Maxbps says:
rj, rj, rj…..You ignorant @%&$!
1st…”and a general age range that (I’d guess) runs from about 12 to 50 means that perspective and knowledge can vary pretty greatly.” “pretty greatly” GREAT GRAMMAR there genius!
2nd…Thanks for admitting the frys thing was a stupid mistake.
3rd…My “intellectual caliber” dwarfs your 3rd grade education! BTW, congratulations on passing the 3rd grade I know it was a long hard 12 years but you finally did it!
4th…Grow a sense of humor! You claim to be the one w/ a sense of humor and higher than thou, which very well could be the case, but it is you that has no sense of humor, makes personal attacks, and has zero logic in your mindless drivel…but hey keep up the good work!
In another fifty years you just might work your way up to SPAMonline second-line girls jr high basketball weekend sportswriter! It is a noble goal for your talents!
Apr.20 at 2:41 pm
Maxbps says:
I am quickly recognizing a theme in your posts: completely off topic both times I have read your ramblings. Speaking of which: PISTONS in 4!
Tayshaun’s name is Prince but he is a KING!
Apr.20 at 2:42 pm
Big L says:
Classic material on that recruiting buzz. Kinda feel used? Anyway, as probably the only legit Orlando Magic fan here, yes the Pistons will probably win in 5. Dale Davis, CWebb, Maxiell, McDyss, and Wallace can use up their fouls for Dwight and he will probably make 40%-50% of those foul shots. But, if Dwight actually makes them pay for fouling, say, hitting 70% of those, they could pull away with 2 wins. Look, I’m just happy they made it.
Apr.20 at 2:43 pm
Esco says:
Ryan, I think Maxbps is stalking you now…
Apr.20 at 2:57 pm
H to the izzo says:
You might wanna get a virtual restraining order and looks like some of these militant KU fans are here to stay,I think you need to make it clear that this not the place for them
Apr.20 at 2:58 pm
Max Airington says:
The censor distinctly resembles the censored….
Apr.20 at 3:04 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
This whole diary thing is reminding me why I find college basketball to be so absolutely disgusting.
Apr.20 at 3:17 pm
AB_40 says:
pistons in 4
Apr.20 at 3:41 pm
Gilbert0 says:
per say? ryan, please
Apr.20 at 3:57 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Sorry gil, I was in a hurry.
And izzo, it’s UK — KU is for Kansas. I believe that’s a hangin’ offense in Kentucky, dog. Watch your back.
Apr.20 at 4:43 pm
Gilbert0 says:
apology accepted. this will be such a crappy series, and the perfect advertisement for shortening the first round.
Apr.20 at 5:57 pm
albie1kenobi says:
I assuming there’s some sort of auto link posting on this site, where if you link to it in the post, there’s a link back to the post in the comments. is there a way to take out those comments? let’s just contain them within those columns. i feel like we are having a nice playoff party and then a bunch of drunk college kids just crashed the party and start harrassing the hosts. get the f outta here. those posts remind me why i don’t want fortune and fame. well, not fame anyway.
Apr.20 at 5:59 pm
Dennard C says:
This is the series that will most likely end in a sweep.
Apr.20 at 6:02 pm
H to the izzo says:
Then what kind of offence is saying that:UK is a has been program that is constantly going downhill and has a rich history of racism and cousin loving and the fans…..don’t get me started.I wish I could write something on it I would love to see the comments then-I can only dream.And by the way I’m not a rival fan or anything like that just what I saw from the UK fans (the tubby smith and Patrick Patersons posts) has been pretty pathetic. I feel ten pounds lighter.
Apr.20 at 6:13 pm
Maxbps says:
rj…you got something right: UK = KY, KU = Kansas, and you are almost right about it being a hangin’ offense in Katland…good one! izzy…at least rj comes back w/ something. You got nothin’. “UK’s history of racism!” Please…that is so patently absurd and easilty debunked it is not even funny nor with the time! AND, IF YOU COULD SEE MY COUSINS…You wouldn’t blame me…you’d be sayin’, “Dang, dawg. It she was my cousin I’d do the same thing!!!” Seriously, the cousin thing is SOOOOO lame; but I do have some HOT cousins! Luckily I have never had an issue in that area have never had to sink to your level of late night booty-callin’!
Apr.20 at 6:23 pm
H to the izzo says:
Max why are you still here?
I’m at work what are you up to these days,writing threatening comments to a top recruit who will in no way listen to your comments in between your chronis masturbation.
Again why are you on this site?
Apr.20 at 6:23 pm
H to the izzo says:
chronic**
Apr.21 at 8:50 am
scott says:
Detroit in a sweep. Without a doubt the worst of the first round series.
Apr.21 at 9:13 am
trace says:
yo,
anybody knows that little young lady Oden’s having fun with? her dancin style looks kinda cute….. Detoit in 5
Apr.24 at 5:03 am
James says:
Ryan the guys on the diary pages are TOO funny. And the way you were teasing them. I havnt laughed so much (while at work) in a long while.
Apr.24 at 5:08 am
James says:
And on the Oden issue - I read somewhere that he wasn’t happy with ol’ Thad’s coaching… case in point - the champonship game, where Greg was beasting inside, yet they still keep launching those 3’s and went for soemthing like 4-23
Apr.24 at 10:18 am
James says:
And also - on the Patrick Patterson SLAM Recruitment issue - Similarly, go to Mr. Fantasy’s first post, “Dwyane Wade fantasy aftermath” and notice the nice people leaving messages wishing DWade a speedy recovery! Hilarious
Apr.24 at 4:12 pm
Ryan Jones says:
It’s not nice to laugh at people, James, but sometimes it’s f*cking necessary.
Apr.25 at 4:45 am
James says:
Too true
Apr.30 at 9:58 am
» Magic-Pistons Recap - SLAM ONLINE says:
[…] That, taken only slightly out of context, is what I said about this series before it began. I wasn’t telling you anything you didn’t already know, and of course, it’s always nice to be right. Had David Stern allowed it, the Pistons could’ve won this series in three games, maybe even two. The outcome was never, EVER in doubt. […]