By Sam Rubenstein
I’m back at it. It’s like my lawyer knows black magic. Pull the black rabbit out the black hat and back home to my sta…

Ok. Slow down there. Yeah, I’m back from vacation. Where was I and what did I do? I can’t see anybody possibly caring about that. Just know that this is something I DIDN’T do: Sit in front of a computer screen in a dimly lit magazine factory with no windows for hours at a time.

I re-acquainted myself with an alternate source of light that I’ve been told is called “the sun.” It felt good. I got to do a lot of outdoor stuff and thanks to an improved diet and training regimen, I’m back at my fighting weight of 155 pounds. I could kill a man with my bare hands if I weren’t a pacifist.

Unplugging was pretty awesome. The only time I turned on my computer the whole week was to update my fantasy beisbol team and to get driving/biking directions to various places. The closest I came to watching sports was when I biked from my place in Brooklyn to Shea Stadium for a meaningless Mets game (start the playoffs already!!! We want a rematch with the Yankees!!!). I heard about the Lo Duca scandal on WFAN  and had a good chuckle at that. So, you’re telling me that pro athletes gamble and bang 19 year old girls? This is supposed to be news? What athlete doesn’t do that? I guess the gossip tabloids have to make some drama for the Mets since the National League can’t provide any. It’s always fun when gambling and the integrity of the game gets brought up. Good thing that never happens with NBA players and The Finals were not blatantly fixed. Wink. Me and a friend of mine are getting matching Lo Duca jerseys (Do I even need to put a NH here?). I was upset that Paul took Doc’s number when he joined the team, but now I am happy with The Duke of Flushing carrying on the tradition.

On a side note, It sucked that Mike Fatcessa was on vacation at the same time as me. I had to listen to Mad Dog solo for a while during a long drive, and I hate him as much as any complete stranger can hate a man. This is for any New York readers out there that listen to WFAN. I’ve been a fan of the FAN for a long time, and it was nice to be able to listen again, cause I don’t get that chance enough under regular circumstances. Here is my ranking of WFAN personalities these days:

1. Joey from Saddle River a.k.a. Joe Benigno the paper cup with holes in it who knows only two words: brutal and debacle. He’s become too much of an insider and he’s basically gone Hollywood, but he’s still my favorite personality ever to cover sports.
2. Fatcessa – I hate him and respect him like my old high school U.S. history teacher. So cocky. Sooooooo cocky. Strangely Mike’D Up has become my favorite TV show.
3. The Schmooza a.k.a. Captain Midnight. He’s a stereotype and he usually just makes stuff up, but I wish he was my grandpa.
4. Richard Neer, the voice of reason. The opposite of every other person doing talk radio today. Naturally he got in trouble for saying something racist towards Italian Americans this week.
5. Young Kevin Burkhart. The future. He’s going to be a superstar.
6. Tony Paige. The nerdy black guy that’s obsessed with boxing. He has a lishp, and he’s got the same name as the Dolphins fullback from Tecmo Super Bowl.
7. Every other generic voice on the station.
666. Christopher Russo. The devil.

Hope you enjoyed that list, cause the only NBA information I received over the past week was in a short conversation with my cousin Juan (we’re obviously not blood). He told me that the Knicks signed Jared Jeffries for $30 million dollars but I assumed he made that up cause he was drunk. He also doesn’t think Team USA is winning the gold, and that’s convincing enough for me. It’s not happening fellas. Go dry your tears with your millions and millions of dollar bills.

So anyways, I’m back and I guess I’ve got some reading to do. The next post I write will be about basketball. I promise.