June 8, 2007 8:48 am  |  50 Comments

Witness the rust

And the cult of Pop

By Sam Rubenstein

I sat on a couch watching game one of the NBA Finals, just like many of you out there. At some point in the third quarter, my girlfriend sat down next to me and asked “Are you having fun?”

No. I was not.

I changed the channel to the Yankee game for a minute, and ARod was at the plate with the bases loaded in the top of the ninth. I just so happen to be facing a team with ARod on it in fantasy this week. Insurance grand slam. To quote Marv from Sin City (I was reading The Hard Goodbye recently), “ain’t that a kick in the nuts.”

Lang and Ben were at the game and have already filed extensive notes, but this is the Finals so we need everybody to be on top of everything. One thing they missed was the halftime show on T.V., which featured a segment on the relationship between Tim Duncan and Gregg Popovich.

It was a well-done and enlightening perspective on the beautiful relationship between two grown men. It also reminded me of a video I once saw about David Koresh and the Branch Davidians. Wow, the San Antonio Spurs sure are tight family for people that are not blood-related. Maybe it’s because the father figure’s name happens to be Pop, so you have grown men referring to some random authority like he is their daddy. I guess that’s how you win championships and stay so grounded and solid in an NBA landscape of chaos. Can we fly a satellite with infared over their practice facility and find out how many guns they have? Robert Horry, put the kool aid down.

As for the game itself, LeBron topped his performance from the last round, as all of the truly great ones do when they reach that next level. Against the Pistons, his game 1 featured a 10 point night, refusing to shoot the ball in the fourth quarter, and passing to Donyell “Used to look like Ludacris and that’s cool because he is a successful rapper and actor that attracts ladies and money but now he looks like Bubbles from The Wire who is a homeless on-and-off junkie” Marshall. LeBron played even worse than that game one last night. So, it is reasonable to expect his play to dramatically improve as the series moves on.

To be fair, two of LeBron’s more established formerly All-Star caliber teammates are Big Z and Larry Hughes (uh… he had that one great year with the Wizards, which of course was his contract/walk year). They combined for 4 points and 1 assist on 2 of 13 shooting. Thanks guys.

One highlight of the game was the Drew Gooden “flagrant foul.” Okay… He did make a little extra contact with Manu on the play, coming around with a second hand on the foul. But Manu, Manu, Manu. Not only was his reaction to getting hit extremely delayed, he even pretended to be upset by the foul. That’s right, faking anger at imaginary fouls. Jake wrote something recently about how LeBron should be on Inside the Actor’s Studio with James Lipton, talking about his basketball performances. I say Manu should be on that show, like any other actor talking about acting. He’s like a one man theater troupe out there.

The Spurs seemed rusty in the first half, or maybe they just weren’t hitting their shots. Even when the Cavs took the lead, you never really believed it was possible for them to win the game. The inevitability of a big Spurs run was always looming. Like many people, I passed out during the fourth quarter. Since there is no Barkley to watch, I will channel the Chuckster for you “Tony Parker… played… … … faaaantaassstiiik.” Here is a photo of him next to, I dunno, a rejected Pink Floyd prop.

So… Lang and Ben should have updates from Texas. The next game is not until Sunday night, when the NBA Finals dares to go head to head with the Sopranos series finale. There’s a whole weekend ahead of us until then. Looking forward to the analysis of every possible little angle.

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This story is filed under: Blogs, NBA, The Peoples Champ

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  • Nadav Posted: Jun.8 at 8:51 am
    At least Entourage showed proper respect and ended their season last week…

  • Lordwannabe Posted: Jun.8 at 9:11 am
    WOW, you have nothing of substance to say, no wonder your girl hate watch game with , you damn too boning

  • Lordwannabe Posted: Jun.8 at 9:13 am
    WOW, you have nothing of substance to say, no wonder your girl hate to watch the game with you , you damn too boning .

  • James Posted: Jun.8 at 9:25 am
    I wish i was too damn boning

  • Ryan Jones Posted: Jun.8 at 9:30 am
    Too Damn Boning should be the name of the next Arcade Fire album.

  • Esco Posted: Jun.8 at 10:05 am
    Hahahahaahahah! You guys are a trip! Life without SLAM would be too damn boning.

  • Ryan Jones Posted: Jun.8 at 10:08 am
    theonion.com/content/news_briefs/isiah_thomas_asks_mike

  • Esco Posted: Jun.8 at 10:25 am
    What the hell is wrong with Isiah Thomas??? Does he REALLY think Brown will let him coach a game? Even though his offer is officially dead now that the Cavs did not win game one…Oh well, like they say: It doen’t hurt to try.

  • Ryan Jones Posted: Jun.8 at 10:33 am
    Esco…

  • Ken H Posted: Jun.8 at 10:37 am
    “r” and “n” aren’t even close to eachother on the keyboard. How do you even make the too damn boning typo without being mentally challenged?

  • Kene Posted: Jun.8 at 10:59 am
    …i have a feeling esco doesn’t read the onion very much.

  • Drew Posted: Jun.8 at 11:13 am
    The keys don’t need to be close to each other for a Freudian slip. The mind is a mysterious thing.

  • Esco Posted: Jun.8 at 11:14 am
    Aw hell…i got punk’d

  • Esco Posted: Jun.8 at 11:15 am
    I feel like Chukaz should…stupid.

  • Gilbert0 Posted: Jun.8 at 11:18 am
    i dont know if there is a prize, but esco needs it for post of the year. There sure are some razor sharp slam readers around.

  • Esco Posted: Jun.8 at 11:21 am
    I appreciate it Gilbert0…i really do. And no Kene, I never read the onion.

  • Simon Posted: Jun.8 at 11:37 am
    i ruined my last relationship by being damn too boning…

  • Sam Rubenstein Posted: Jun.8 at 11:39 am
    Ha. Yeah this is one of those “Did you know gullible was taken out of the dictionary” moments.
    The Freudian slips upon Freudian slips in the boning comment are great.

  • Decs Posted: Jun.8 at 12:01 pm
    I dont no why someone doesnt mention that this post contains the single greatest nickname of all time. Sadly i dont think this one will stick for Donyell.

  • Sesa Posted: Jun.8 at 12:07 pm
    @ any Columnist:
    Did you all know that there were Indonesian version of SLAM?
    I just hope that they don’t broke any copyright.

  • white hot eboy Posted: Jun.8 at 12:11 pm
    Is it me or does Lordwannabe’s comment read like he’s a wannabe Chinese gangsta?

  • Esco Posted: Jun.8 at 12:12 pm
    Aw hell…if we correctly read Lordwannabe’s comment I think we will notice that English must not be his 6th or 7th language, because it sure as hell ain’t his 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th or 5th language to be able to construct a sentence like: “you damn too boning”. Much power to you Lordwannabe.

  • Ryan Jones Posted: Jun.8 at 12:13 pm
    Sesa: Slam has been legally (and in some cases illegally) translated/adapted in a number of other countries: Turkey, China, etc. I’m not sure if the Indonesian version is legit or not. To be safe, just send cash directly to the Slam Dome. Thank you.

  • Ryan Jones Posted: Jun.8 at 12:14 pm
    And Esco, since I seem to remember you being from some other land, and since sarcasm and satire don’t always translate very well, I will give you a pass on this one. But only this once.

  • Sesa Posted: Jun.8 at 12:17 pm
    I guess being nice doesn’t always win you friends.

  • Esco Posted: Jun.8 at 12:21 pm
    Why, thank you Ryan…I should have known that something was up, but yeah…I f’d up. I admit. And I’m French, where sarcasm is part of everyday life, so I should have known better.

  • Esco Posted: Jun.8 at 12:23 pm
    I meant to say “I’m French and live in France, where sarcasm…..”

  • Sesa Posted: Jun.8 at 12:29 pm
    I guess everybody out for lunch.

  • Ryan Jones Posted: Jun.8 at 12:47 pm
    Esco, if my homie (and your countryman) Pascal Giberne is reading this somewhere, he’ll be very disappointed in you.

  • Big Chris Posted: Jun.8 at 1:05 pm
    The game was so uneventful, that all we have to talk about is Indonesian Slam, And the Chinese pronunciation of boring, Bring back Chicago vs Blazers ‘92 and the God’s 35 first half points!

  • Esco Posted: Jun.8 at 1:38 pm
    I can imagine, I usually am at the top of my game and I catch on quickly, but I just flat out got caught. There’s no excuse. And to Pascal, Je suis très désolé. J’ai déconné.

  • snyper48 Posted: Jun.8 at 1:57 pm
    My girlfriend broke up with me.She said she couldnt take it any more because I was…too damn boning.Damn.

  • Toney Blare Posted: Jun.8 at 2:05 pm
    Sometimes I get the whole, “Whatever, Toney, I’m boned to death here,” and I’m like, deal with it.

  • Sam Rubenstein Posted: Jun.8 at 2:09 pm
    Today is pretty boning. Me and one of the new interns had a nice hour and a half lunch. FRI-DAY!!!

  • Vitor Posted: Jun.8 at 2:48 pm
    Yeah Sam and yesterday was a holiday here in Brazil. So only half of the people are in the office today. I had a 2 hour lunch myself. I just wish I didn’t have a 12 ounce burger with onion rings…

  • Ben Osborne Posted: Jun.8 at 2:49 pm
    Sam actually broke out the Bubbles nickname (with my assistance) about three months ago. Here’s hoping it sticks now. Enjoy Fri-day, Rubenstein. Lang’s got some lengthy notes from today’s media availability shortly, and I will check in tonight with my notes from LeBron’s press conference…Happy Weekend, everyone.

  • Chukaz Posted: Jun.8 at 5:28 pm
    @Esco - are you callin’ me stupid. Don’t have on me motherf*cker or I’ll hunt yo @$$ down. I’m the coolest motherf*cker in the entire f*ckin’ world, so don’t mess with be.

  • Chukaz Posted: Jun.8 at 5:33 pm
    I meant me and I would like to add a b*tch at the end of the sentence.

  • Chukaz Posted: Jun.8 at 5:38 pm
    Tim Duncan is rooting for the Cavs to win the NBA finals. Ain’t that great. theonion.com/content/news/tim_duncan_rooting_for_cavaliers

  • Kene Posted: Jun.8 at 7:25 pm
    ” I meant me and I would like to add a b*tch at the end of the sentence.”……post of the year….that f*cking killed me.

  • Sesa Posted: Jun.8 at 8:31 pm
    I am so boned that I prefer to talk about Paris Hilton and her overpriced lookin’ jail.

  • galo Posted: Jun.8 at 9:56 pm
    AHHAHA, Isiah Thomas as president of basketball operations, in one half, could destroy the franchise for the next decade. I bet he’d trade LeBron for five point guards with attitudes.

  • pablo Posted: Jun.8 at 10:57 pm
    Sam: Manu got a blow from Gooden, just another from how many? I guess I lost the count, and tell me, how many of those times Manu complained? Geez, I recall that the one complaining´s always been you

  • whooo! Posted: Jun.9 at 12:25 am
    even rooting for san an, i was quite embarassed w/ manu’s flop. main reason being i don’t think he needs to flop cuz he’s good enough! he already drives hard n gets hit legit, so why bother w/ these slight flops? but the one lebron jumped shoulder 1st into him was real, and that plus putting the ball btwn boobie gibson’s legs on the break make up for his flop.

  • Heri Posted: Jun.9 at 4:09 am
    That’s so great, an NBA team winning the Finals playing european style basketball (also called handball):( Damn, I miss the 80’s and 90’s, what an UGLY team to watch.

  • Esco Posted: Jun.9 at 12:06 pm
    73, Avenue de l’Arche
    92400 Courbevoie
    France
    @Chukaz: That’s where I stay at. Look for me and it’ll be the last thing you do. Talk is cheap son. This is the last time I’m talking directly to you.

  • trichyboy Posted: Jun.9 at 3:12 pm
    Yet another Spurs hater and LeBron lover…yawn. Why don’t you cover And 1 mixtapes instead of real basketball games…that seems more your style. Or go join that church choir in the LeBron commercial. Meanwhile, the Spurs and their daddy will be whipping your baby Jesus Bron-Bron.

  • clair Posted: Jun.9 at 5:18 pm
    hey sam, my timing is a little delayed (and this isn’t really that significant) but your hilarious comparison of the spurs and branch davidians was quoted here: http://myespn.go.com/nba/truehoop** **forgive me for being on espn.com - it’s slow as hell at work on the weekends and that abbott guy posts a great ongoing series about leandro barbosa. ok, back to watching the minutes click by…

  • Wade Posted: Jun.9 at 10:10 pm
    Sam, you are a complete moron for trashing Popovich’s and the Spurs players respect they have for one another. Apparently, you don’t appreciate grown men involved in a common endeavor should have a deep respect and fondness for one another. Ask any combat team (Army, Marines, etc.) that has fought and bled with one another if they respect their buddies, ie. teammates, or not. Your disrepect for their common respect for one another, is sickening.

  • Boing Dynasty Posted: Jun.10 at 8:29 am
    Esco, if 200 boxes of pizza end up at your house, it was me.

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