Pop Goes The Diesel
If Kobe were to fire back at Shaq, how would it go? Russ Bengtson goes in.
by Russ Bengtson
“When I played with Kobe, me, him, Brian Shaw, J.R. Rider, we had freestyle sessions all the time. … all in fun and we said crazier stuff than that.”
That was by far my favorite line in the wire story breakdown of the latest installment of Real World: Shaq vs. Kobe. Forget Shaq and Kobe—J.R. Rider, freestyle rapper? I wish I could have eavesdropped on some of those ciphers.
But almost right after I heard Shaq’s clumsy attempt at being a lyrical assassinator (pun somewhat intended), I thought: “How would Kobe come back at him?” Mind you, I don’t think he will. Not that Kobe’s always the most rational dude, but I think he knows that, in this case, the best response is none at all. In the words of Jeru the Damaja: “With all that Big Willie talk, hop, you’re, playin yaself”
But still, WHAT IF? And an idea started to take form. I would do Kobe’s job for him. I would put myself in his shoes, come back at Shaq as if I were 24. And finally, at long last, I would get to rhyme “Reebok Shaqnosis” and “coronary thrombosis.”
Keep in mind, THIS IS 100 PERCENT PURE FICTION AND NOT MEANT TO REFLECT MY PERSONAL VIEWS ON SHAQ. This is just my interpretation of how Kobe COULD go hard after the Diesel if he really wanted to. And if he could, you know, freestyle. According to Shaq he could, but based on what I’ve heard, I’m not sure whether he’s the best judge of hip-hop talent.
Anyway, drop an old school beat:
Your reign on the top was short like leprechauns
Sure-thing rings lost to Wallaces and Olajuwons
You’re a true, what? You’re a true blue pr*ck
On the outside you’re happy, on the inside you’re sick
Oh, my bad, I forgot, that’s just part of your schtick
Admit it, you just mad ‘cause your career’s almost over
You’re a black hole while I’m still supernova
And while we’re on the topic of being a star
I’ll be in Phoenix in February—can I borrow your car?
Since I’ll be in the game, I won’t drive it too far
I remember when you had the Reebok Shaqnosis
Now you’re working on a coronary thrombosis
I live in the gym, you’ve got a body by Hostess
Nike makes me shoes and spots, I jump cars for fun
Tell you what, I’d rather hang with Jackass than be one
You claim to be a player, but I f*cked your wife
Yeah, that’s just jokes, but—haha—I f*cked your life
Wanna go after me for your problems, nah, that’s all on you
And those big alimony checks—those are all on you too
Watch Shaunie stack those chips while you get blue
And what’s this I hear about how you went after Kareem?
You’ll never be like him, he was part of a team
Forget about Cap, were you even better than Dream?
Please explain the MDE with one MVP?
That’s like calling yourself a forest when you’re only one tree
Russ had five, Wilt had four, even Moses had three
As for the rings, yeah, you wound up with four
But the Most Dominant Ever should really have more
You weren’t the most feared to ever step on the floor
Those three titles we won, yeah, I couldn’t have done it without you
At least I can admit it, how ‘bout you, Shaq-Fu?
It’s always all about you—the big center of attention
But you ain’t notorious, never had that dimension
Coulda stayed in L.A. but you had to have that extension
You can score in the paint, can’t get it done at the line
Say “I hit ‘em when it matters” and everything’s fine?
Those ugly-ass bricks don’t take from your shine?
Nah, I guess not, but while it may not hurt your fame
It’s something to consider when you’re benched at the end of the game
And now new guys are coming through to rip that S off your arm
Bad enough you lost your game, now you even lost your charm
What ever happened to you, when did you get so bitter?
Used to be a champion, now you’re a quitter
Could have done more in Miami if you only got fitter
If you couldn’t take the fire, should have stayed out the Heat
You’re so out of shape you can barely THINK on your feet
And they even took your badges, that I’m sorry to hear
Because at least then you might have had another career
Call yourself a cop? You’re nothin’ but a pig
And rhyme all you want, you can never be Big
I’m a Laker for life, you’re just another man on a journey
In fact, don’t ever speak to me, just call my attorney
Keep playing with fire, you ain’t gonna burn me
You think you can spit? Like those six Grammies mattered?
You never were sh*t, but I’m glad you were flattered
You never really could rhyme, got carried by many
Kind of like how it worked with Dwyane, Kobe and Penny
People only rhymed on your records because they knew you had money
You think they laughed at your jokes ‘cause they thought you were funny?
Always thought you was Vito when you’re really a Sonny
As for your movies, they laughed WITH you, as far as you know
But maybe you should go back to school, like Neon Boudeaux
And hey, my coach came back, unlike Mike D’Antoni
He chose the KNICKS over you, you big f*cking phony
You think you a horse, but you barely a pony
I’ll be in Beijing this summer, going for gold
You could be too, if you weren’t so old
Face it, you mad, that’s why you came at me first
If I show you my trophy, will it slake your MVP thirst?
I got to stay home, you got displaced.
As years go by, your memories erased.
What was that, Diesel? How does your ass taste?
Shouldn’t you know? You’re the one sh*tfaced.
93 Responses to “Pop Goes The Diesel”
Jun.25 at 1:48 pm
Holly MacKenzie says:
I cannot put into words…..
Jun.25 at 1:53 pm
riggs says:
damn comment system!
Jun.25 at 1:58 pm
Sam Rubenstein says:
re: JEru. THere is a Crooklyn Dodgers reunion show in Prospect Park this weekend, I think both versions of the Crooklyn Dodgers. And I bought Cyclones tickets in advance so I can’t go. Booooooo!
Jun.25 at 1:59 pm
BETCATS says:
thats a lot of bars
Jun.25 at 2:02 pm
BETCATS says:
that last line was crucial. Russ now = wayne’s ghost writer.
Jun.25 at 2:06 pm
Drew says:
Looks like someone has too much time on his hands. Funny, thou.
Jun.25 at 2:07 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
I thought about calling it “24 Bars” and cutting it down, but nah.
Jun.25 at 2:07 pm
RV says:
That’s a lot of hate there Russ…what did shaq ever do to you? (kidding, i just cant wait for those comments)
Jun.25 at 2:08 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
And it didn’t take me long to write at all, actually.
Jun.25 at 2:15 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
RV: I was freestyling. That’s all. It was all done in fun. Nothing serious whatsoever. That is what MC’s do. They freestyle when called upon. I’m totally cool with Shaq. No issue at all.
Jun.25 at 2:16 pm
J-Bird says:
Shaq’s still cooler than Kobe, funny stuff though
Jun.25 at 2:23 pm
ber says:
that was amazing
Jun.25 at 2:25 pm
RV says:
yeah I was kidding Russ, i get it. I’d love to have jack nicholson record that.
Jun.25 at 2:25 pm
namik says:
1. Kobe couldn’t write that.
2.You claim to be a player, but I f*cked your wife
Yeah, that’s just jokes, but—haha—I f*cked your life-Wow
Jun.25 at 2:27 pm
Holly MacKenzie says:
Namik, that part is amazing. I can’t even say it without giggling. hahaha I love the “Call yourself a cop? You’re nothin’ but a pig
And rhyme all you want, you can never be Big”.
Jun.25 at 2:33 pm
Captain America says:
Lost all remaining (little) respect for Shaq over this one. Grow up and take care of your own matters, Flaq
Jun.25 at 2:36 pm
Eboy says:
This was funny. Also amusing that a writer of Russ’s intelligence has to cover up his true feelings with a bullsh*t disclaimer. Russ you are 10000000000000000000 times better than that. Just like we all knew deep down that Shaq was serious as can be when he spoke his Kobe lines, we know this was easy for you because of your disdain towards dude since he left the Lakers in a lerch. Great flow though. I agree with namik, Kobe couldn’t write something so searing.
Jun.25 at 2:42 pm
the junior says:
russ is going to be on the cover of Beef VI. ha makes ether look like nursery rhymes. if only kobe wrote this…
Jun.25 at 2:43 pm
Eboy says:
I wish Henry Abbot would link to this, BTW. This is a Bengtson instant classic.
Jun.25 at 2:43 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
Eboy: I was freestyling. That’s all. It was all done in fun. Nothing serious whatsoever. That is what MC’s do. They freestyle when called upon. I’m totally cool with Shaq. No issue at all.
Jun.25 at 2:44 pm
J-O says:
cool song
Jun.25 at 2:44 pm
Chou says:
Hit ‘em up, Russ! Great stuff!
Jun.25 at 2:45 pm
Eboy says:
See, now I feel better about this!!
Jun.25 at 2:52 pm
blackjack says:
Russ is like Eminem at the end of Eight Mile
Jun.25 at 2:53 pm
blackjack says:
You need to do a whole series of these
Jun.25 at 3:16 pm
Donn says:
Oh man….i smell mixtape….DJ Whoo Kid presents “Hey Shaq, tell me how Metamucil taste?” Tracks from Kobe, Russ, Hakeem, Kareem, Ewing, Penny, Vlade and the whole city of Sacramento, and the Treacherous Three(Phil Jax, Pat Riley, and Brian Hill) special appearance by Yao and David Robinson….
Jun.25 at 3:19 pm
Brandon Hoffman says:
“I was freestyling. That’s all. It was all done in fun. Nothing serious whatsoever. That is what MC’s do. They freestyle when called upon. I’m totally cool with Shaq. No issue at all.” Lol! I love it…
Jun.25 at 3:28 pm
janggoon says:
wow….kobe should give you a free trip to cabo…you just murdered shaq for him…
Jun.25 at 3:32 pm
McLuvin says:
Much better than Shaq’s “freestyle” and much more accurate.
Jun.25 at 3:39 pm
TADOne says:
The first BMX rapper…
Jun.25 at 3:46 pm
Co Co says:
:)
Jun.25 at 3:47 pm
Co Co says:
That was the funniest ish I’ve read in a while.
Jun.25 at 4:05 pm
James the balla says:
Amazing!!!
Jun.25 at 4:06 pm
James the balla says:
I hope Shaq sees this!!!
Jun.25 at 4:32 pm
Russ Got Skills says:
The last line was classic! Check my name, you killed’em Russ. That makes two Shaq disses in just as many days. A local rapper, Kobe’d Shaq in a diss yesterday. It’s called “Snaq O’meal” and you can find on www.LakersGround.net Peace to Russ. You the man for this. You spit BARS!!!
Jun.25 at 4:37 pm
Slick Nick Da Ruler says:
Thanks Russ (and Kobe), those lyrics just made my day.
Jun.25 at 4:50 pm
Jer Boi says:
You claim to be a player, but I f*cked your wife
Yeah, that’s just jokes, but—haha—I f*cked your life i frikin love that line and the last one good shizz
Jun.25 at 4:52 pm
Jake Appleman says:
beautiful, russ.
Jun.25 at 5:01 pm
Jackie Moon says:
Russ, that was nice. Now gimme back your badges.
Jun.25 at 5:05 pm
Allenp says:
Russ you are lying if you say you don’t have some Shaq hate in you somewhere. That was quite impressive. Very impressive.
Jun.25 at 5:07 pm
Allenp says:
I didn’t see your early messages using sarcasm. Once again, good job.
Jun.25 at 5:20 pm
albie1kenobi says:
now all we need is to get Russ to dress up as kobe spitting fire and put this on youtube.
speaking of youtube, how many spinoffs of the shaq freestyle are there already?
Jun.25 at 5:27 pm
KG says:
You didn’t need 6 weeks to write yours and its better than Shaq’s….he had 6 weeks to come up his and it sucks.
Jun.25 at 5:38 pm
Money Bill Williams says:
speakin bout biggie lines… ” from la to miami to phx you got the trade, now your waistline blowing up like the world trade? Play with it
Jun.25 at 5:41 pm
Thomas says:
THIS IS HILARIOUS… I really hope Shaq reads this
Jun.25 at 5:48 pm
J.B says:
wow, hater. like it though.
Jun.25 at 7:01 pm
Jackie Moon says:
Kenny Smith to Charles Barkley: “Tell me how my a$$ tastes?”
Jun.25 at 7:19 pm
Yunki says:
Don’t quit the day job Russ
Jun.25 at 7:20 pm
BETCATS says:
well that would be great and all Jackie, the Kenny thing, but those 2 dont hate each other. Besides Chuck is way more outspooken then kenny. Kids these days….
Jun.25 at 7:29 pm
Yunki says:
But that f*cked ur wife line was tight!
Jun.25 at 7:40 pm
BXIrv says:
that 1st line is from the real Notorius B.I.G
Jun.25 at 7:52 pm
Bubba Chuck says:
Damn Russ!
Jun.25 at 8:00 pm
DP says:
Russ: the best writer alive? I got f*cking respect for that one my man.
Jun.25 at 8:22 pm
Cheryl says:
Ooooooh! I wonder if Shaq catches this one.
Jun.25 at 8:49 pm
H to the izzo says:
Classic Russ.
And Russ’s comments on this are just as pivotal as the actual piece,the Shaq parody comments are beautiful.
Jun.25 at 8:56 pm
bigd7593 says:
this was good sh*t. man i wish kobe would have spit this. and it was way better than shaq’s freestyle. he sux as a rapper/actor. the line about his wife and his life was killer. almost as good a nas spittin ether at jay z.
Jun.25 at 9:19 pm
Krishan says:
Sarcasm is good
Jun.25 at 9:45 pm
d.Y. says:
Odd how you went from big to pac to em, but that was fun. loved the mde/mvp, the fu schnick reference, and the “think on your feet” lines.
Jun.25 at 10:10 pm
Rydawg says:
Sheer poetry baby!
Jun.25 at 10:17 pm
selam says:
Ouch…. damn russ u are good….
Jun.25 at 10:33 pm
Ben Osborne says:
Russ, if this came easy to you, you need to be writing imaginary lyrics for all the players in the League. This was genius.
Jun.25 at 10:54 pm
d.Y. says:
That would be a great side gig Ben. See, this is why you got a job with benefits. I bet you even got dental.
Jun.25 at 11:01 pm
Sparker says:
cyrano de bengston
Jun.25 at 11:12 pm
Reno says:
How about you make one about Stern and the gambling refs?
Jun.25 at 11:28 pm
bbfan says:
loved this piece
Jun.26 at 1:44 am
chintao says:
Nice work RB, but KBB can’t even pretend to be smart enough to write two lines of that joint.
Jun.26 at 2:03 am
KA says:
thats hot.
Jun.26 at 2:44 am
b55 says:
just wow
Jun.26 at 3:33 am
Nas Lazaro says:
Hey Russ, this is an off the subject comment. Well Question actually. I got some lines i wanna run by scoop. But the mailbag in ESPN2 doesnt seem to work. Any chance i can ask for his email add? Or yours for that matter, I’d love to run it past any past/present SLAM writers.
Jun.26 at 4:08 am
German Reignman says:
SLAM Radio !!!!!!!!!
you guys need to relaunch SLAM Radio if only for that rhymes …. and somebody needs to make this into a YouTube !!!!!
Jun.26 at 4:09 am
Hursty says:
wow. wow. wow. You stylin now Russ…
Jun.26 at 4:57 am
karan says:
that was good, but now as good as, “kobe, tell me how my ass taste”
Jun.26 at 8:18 am
arthur says:
Possibly the first rap, freestyle or otherwise, That i’ve read/heard to feature the word “slake”.
Jun.26 at 9:54 am
Bruno says:
damn!!!
Jun.26 at 10:10 am
Don (With Malice...) says:
That was amazing…
Laughed several times, and sheesh… if it ever gets to the big fella, I think it’ll hurt more than the loss of the badges.
Jun.26 at 12:14 pm
jbn74sb says:
Phenomenal.
Jun.26 at 4:25 pm
The Lake Show says:
Shaq is a simp. Shaunie be in J-ville with my brother. Shaq just mad bcuz Shaunie had crush on Kobe once.
Jun.26 at 8:32 pm
John D says:
Russ is officially better than 90% of rappers in the game today. Not that that’s saying much but still.
Jun.26 at 9:31 pm
BMan says:
Pop pop goes the diesel the diesel… I’ve been visting this site since its inception and this is easily one of the best pieces I’ve read on here… Shaq, if you’re reading this, don’t break the cipher…
Jun.27 at 1:28 am
Kobe-fu? « With Malice… says:
[…] Kobe-fu? 27 06 2008 Gods, this is hilarious… I just read it - have to share (written by Russ Bengston at SLAM ONLINE) […]
Jun.27 at 10:53 am
Paps says:
Awesome!
Jun.27 at 6:10 pm
Diogo says:
Somehow I want Eminem’s voice over that one, specially on those “leprechauns/Olajuwons” rhymes. Sick rhymes Russ.
Jun.28 at 5:01 am
Chris says:
Step 1. Email to Kobe (I know you got his info)
Step 2. Have Kobe memorize and practice his flow
Step 3. Have Kobe randomly go to a club
Step 4. Notify TMZ
Step 5. Have Kobe “spontaneously freestyle” this
Step 6. Ask Shaq how his ass tastes
Jun.29 at 9:06 pm
Heather says:
Check out this Rap Back: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYmigZ5E6V4
Jun.29 at 10:04 pm
Teddy-the-Bear says:
That was awesome! lmao when you said that one line from Hit’em Up, that was gold man.
Jun.30 at 7:40 am
Tuomas says:
Applause and respect. Even got Hit ‘em up in there, brilliant. It’s pick your poison, but my personal favorite: “You’re so out of shape you can barely THINK on your feet.”
Jun.30 at 11:11 am
Slobodan Chutzpah says:
Pretty epic stuff, although - and I don’t mean any offense here - those were some of the whitest rhymes I’ve seen. Funny and incisive though. (And I agree with some of the others: much more so than what Kobe could ever manage.)
Jun.30 at 2:55 pm
daanswer says:
wow……I havent laughed this hard in a LONG time…..If this couldnt make Shaq finally get in shape and shut the **** up and just play, idunno. Keep spittin that hot fire, Russ!
Jun.30 at 3:08 pm
J aka MrSw1fT says:
Russ spits hot fya!
Jun.30 at 5:34 pm
Nick says:
The Blue Chips reference was hot. Back to school, like Neon Boudeaux
Jul.1 at 1:12 am
Dacre says:
Yeah Bue Chips ref nice… I was waiting for a SHAZAM line but hey…freestyle produces what it produces, on the fly first thoughts thats what comes out…probably why shaq spent 50% of his freestyle just repeating one line…. thats what BEN FOLDS DOES! ^_^
(ben folds for ever…!!!!) props.
Jul.1 at 10:34 am
Tanny says:
Wow you should be doing this for all players that don’t conve what they really think (aka Tim “Robot” Duncan).
Jul.2 at 1:30 am
Dacre says:
caNNOT COMPUTE CANNOT COMPUTE…