Cavs-Wizards Game 5 Recap
Basketball as Presidential Politics, Take 3.
This won’t take long.
Ryan Jones
A 6 p.m. Eastern tip-off? Are you f*cking kidding me?
As if this series wasn’t already annoying enough.
Anyway, back by a complete lack of popular demand, here’s this:
LeBron James is Barack Obama: Seemingly destined to reach his ultimate goal, but things keep getting in the way. His inability to seal the deal has some calling into question his worth as a candidate.
The Washington Wizards are Hillary Clinton: A longtime D.C. establishment, highly flawed, but still dangerous and still very capable of winning this thing.
Gilbert Arenas is Bill Clinton: He’s not actually in the contest at this point, and a lot of people think his team might be better off if he went away completely. But his shadow looms large over those who are competing in his absence. Also has trouble keeping his mouth shot.
DeShawn Stevenson is that time Hillary cried during a campaign stop a couple of months ago: At the time, it was looked like an annoying distraction that might derail the campaign, but he/it might actually be helping the cause after all.
Mike Brown and/or the rest of the Cavs are Jeremiah Wright: They should be helping, but they seem to be the biggest obstacle to their candidate’s chances of winning it all.
Game 5 was the Pennsylvania primary: This thing should be over by now, but last night/week put the result on hold. Barack/LeBron should still win the war, but he lost this battle, and now people have their doubts about whether he can close it out.
Not sure if the Lakers or Spurs are John McCain, but it’s definitely one of them. The Celtics actually don’t fit into this metaphor. Sorry.
Beyond that, just a few more things…
-At one point last night, Reggie Miller said the Wizards were in a “touchy go” situation. And you know what? He was f*ckin’ right.
-Before LeBron, it never even occured to me that 34, 10 and 7 could look mediocre.
-Hey, look what happens when the Wizards shut the f*ck up and play ball?
And that’s all I got. Game notes? Shut up.
58 Responses to “Cavs-Wizards Game 5 Recap”
May.1 at 9:15 am
riggs says:
i lol’d
May.1 at 9:16 am
Eboy says:
I like this version better than the Game 4 one.
May.1 at 9:19 am
Russ Bengtson says:
Ben Wallace is John Adams.
May.1 at 9:26 am
ber says:
best recap ever
May.1 at 9:33 am
BETCATS says:
i still think Celtics are McCain because of t of Boston’s population
May.1 at 9:41 am
Kadavour says:
after reading this i find myself in a bit of a quagmire: i’m a faithful Dem, and also a diehard Laker fan. However, according to your analogy, The Lakers are McCain (i’m making the Spurs the Bush Dynasty, Manu is Jeb) and be that as it may, i can’t NOT support my Lakers, even if it means McCain wins. I’m a horrible person, i just picked a sports team over the country’s future :/
May.1 at 9:43 am
Sam Rubenstein says:
This series is like the Democratic nomination. It’s all about personalities and tabloid stuff and people reduced to caricatures of themselves.
That being said, LeBron’s post-game attire was more offensive than DeShawn’s Mike Vick ensemble.
May.1 at 9:44 am
Ryan Jones says:
Sam: Please post a picture of LeBron’s jacket. Thank you.
May.1 at 9:45 am
Sam Rubenstein says:
No. This is not an S&M site.
May.1 at 9:46 am
WhaHuh says:
I’m not happy about this one, you failed to deliver on a picture of your ass.
May.1 at 9:51 am
Jake Appleman says:
This is a S@M site, tho.
May.1 at 9:52 am
Eboy says:
The whole unbuckle the belt, pop the buttons routine of Bron’s jacket at the post game conference makes me long for DeShawn in a Vick jersey.
May.1 at 9:57 am
Sam Rubenstein says:
although I should add… the Vick jersey is not that big of a deal to us around the office. For the past month or so there have been some guys putting in a new A/C (which has changed the office temperature from 80 degrees to 20.) One of them wears a SIGNED OJ SIMPSON jersey a few times a week.
May.1 at 10:06 am
Tariq says:
That’s awesome, Sam. OJ is such a tragic figure, just because his murder trial and HOF football career distract people from what’s really important: his work in The Naked Gun.
May.1 at 10:09 am
Tariq says:
In this analogy, LeBron’s jacket is the Monica/Linda Tripp jism dress.
May.1 at 10:19 am
Eboy says:
Always great to throw your support behind a murderer and to employ one to do contract work!!! Gangsta
May.1 at 10:23 am
Khalid Salaam says:
OJ didn’t do it
May.1 at 10:33 am
Tariq says:
Also: why is a 6 pm tip-off time annoying?
May.1 at 10:34 am
Holly MacKenzie says:
Crazy things in the SLAMdome. Love that he wears the jersey a few times a week. hahahah beautifully tragic.
May.1 at 10:37 am
Ryan Jones says:
Well, that’s 6 Eastern — right around the time I’m eating dinner, for starters. On the West Coast, kids coming straight home from school can’t even catch the first f*cking quarter.
May.1 at 10:38 am
Eboy says:
Khlaid should run for office.
May.1 at 10:39 am
Eboy says:
*Khalid. Actually take the bar exam, King K, you could put that conviction to good use and good money!
May.1 at 10:44 am
Russ Bengtson says:
A 6 p.m. Eastern start is better than an 10:50 p.m. Eastern start. They both kind of suck, though.
May.1 at 10:47 am
Tariq says:
Ryan: Oh, I see what you mean. But all I can say is “boo-f*ckin-hoo”. Try watching a game at 2 am. There was this American guy I knew named Diamond Jim who sold bootleg VHS tapes here in Riyadh back in the day. Diamond Jim was a Sixer fan, and Philly were playing that night against the Celtics. I asked him if he was watching the game. Diamond Jim: “What time is it?” Me: “4 am” Diamond Jim: “Sheeeeeit…the only thing I’m doing at 4 am is rolling over.”
May.1 at 10:50 am
Eboy says:
Diamond Jim? WTF?
May.1 at 10:50 am
Khalid Salaam says:
those kids should be doing their homework anyway ryan. way to show leadership prof jones….also the roots album is dope, so far my fav joints are i will not apologize and singing man. can’t rate it yet as far as where it stands vs the other roots albums (its not hotter than halflife but how could it be. thats a top 20 all-timer no doubt)
May.1 at 10:52 am
Khalid Salaam says:
and eboy at some point i might run for office. the streets need me…
May.1 at 10:53 am
Tariq says:
Khalid: I ordered it on amazon. Hasn’t arrived yet. But I youtubed 75 Bars and the one with Mos on it. Dope indeed.
May.1 at 10:53 am
Eboy says:
If I lived in NY, you’d get my vote, just on the Dirk platform alone.
May.1 at 10:53 am
Ryan Jones says:
I wasn’t crying about it, Tariq — I have a DVR, so it doesn’t really matter when the game starts — I just said it was annoying. Step off.
And Khalid, you’re half right: OJ’s definitely innocent, but The Roots record sucks.
May.1 at 10:55 am
Tariq says:
I am serious when I say Khalid would do an infinitely better job than 96.4% of all elected officials past, present and future. I’d rather have Khalid run things than some wackjob like Spitzer.
May.1 at 10:57 am
Tariq says:
Ryan: Trust me, Ryan: teaching you the secrets of manhood through discipline and tough love hurts me more than it hurts you.
May.1 at 10:58 am
Eboy says:
Wack job and Spitzer seemingly go together like lime and grilled pork.
May.1 at 10:58 am
Tariq says:
Sorry for typing your name twice.
May.1 at 11:21 am
Jake Appleman says:
khalid, i put halflife top 10-15, but then again, i’ve been know to get excited about certain things.
May.1 at 11:24 am
Khalid Salaam says:
jake i’m not mad, halflife is a great album.
May.1 at 12:45 pm
jbn74sb says:
Who cares about start times? Have you heard of a DVR?
May.1 at 12:52 pm
Eboy says:
Bodie, you little fuc*er!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May.1 at 1:13 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Thanks for reading, Bodie.
May.1 at 1:18 pm
TADOne says:
Halflife is by far The Roots greatest album. Well, maybe not “by far”, but it is lapping the field. Khalid: Singing Man is quite awesome.
May.1 at 1:25 pm
Myles Brown says:
Things Fall Apart.
May.1 at 1:28 pm
TADOne says:
TFA was good, but Halflife was much more grimy. I like grimy.
May.1 at 2:05 pm
tealish says:
Props for the Reggie love. I think. The man gets hated on so much. I know he looks like he tries too hard, mixes his metaphors at times, but give him a chance. He has his good moments. And I’m sure all you haters (didn’t really want to use the word, but here I am) will someday realize: “Oh damn. This future HOFer with over 25000 career points, who holds the record for most 3’s alltime, who will go down as one of the clutchest players to ever play the game — DOES know more about basketball than I.”
May.1 at 2:58 pm
tenorca says:
Awesome Mr. Jones. Awesome. Was awesomer than the song “Mr. Jones” which is now in my head and is now making me sad.
May.1 at 3:07 pm
Hot Pubes says:
Haywood is a bitch ass!
May.1 at 3:19 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Mr. Jones is one of the three worst songs ever recorded, and I don’t even know what the other two are.
May.1 at 4:53 pm
Tariq says:
Ryan: “Step by Step” by New Kids on the Block and any song by Lil’ Wayne.
May.1 at 4:54 pm
Tariq says:
But you’re too harsh sometimes, Ryan. Mr. Jones isn’t bad.
May.1 at 5:01 pm
Ryan Jones says:
That song is f*cking horrible, Tariq. You’ve been disagreeable all day and I don’t appreciate it. Stop it now.
May.1 at 5:12 pm
Ben Osborne says:
Ryan, so you’re saying Mr. Jones is an embarrassment to your race?
May.1 at 6:06 pm
Tariq says:
Ryan: Actually, Ryan, it’s not that I’ve been disagreeble TODAY; it’s more that I have a not-quite-cheery disposition in general. To put it bluntly, I’m pretty much a dick. But, as a token of goodwill, I will compromise and say this: That dude from the Counting Crows looks like a post-op phallus. And the “op” in “post-op” is a sex change.
May.1 at 6:07 pm
Tariq says:
You could say he looks like I act.
May.1 at 6:09 pm
Tariq says:
And DAMN! I keep doing that: “Ryan: No, Ryan”. It’s like I’m both dyslexic and not very bright. A combination of the two.
May.1 at 7:53 pm
albie1kenobi says:
Tariq you are on fire today.
May.2 at 3:45 am
davidR says:
me and mrs jones is the ish
May.2 at 10:12 am
DESHAWN says:
NEW WIZARDS SONG FOR GAME 6 BY DC RAPPER! “Queen James”
http://www.zshare.net/audio/11393141a5ecf151/
May.3 at 6:10 am
Slobodan Chutzpah says:
The amount of man-love on this forum when Bodie popped up was just beautiful to witness.
May.3 at 6:20 am
Slobodan Chutzpah says:
Also, the Celtics are John Edwards: both are critically acclaimed, with all their/his star power and righteous policies/playing the right way. But neither has what it takes to be an actual contender. The Spurs are definitely McCain: flying under the radar for most of the campaign, they/he might actually end up winning it all. Both project a squeaky-clean champion/war hero image, but are in fact much dirtier than any of their supporters would ever admit.