Cavs-Wizards Game 6 Recap
Today’s class will feature a guest lecturer.
A NOTE FROM FARMER JONES: I’m passing the baton on this one to world-famous Facebook spammer and Saudi Arabian homie Tariq al Haydar. This is because Tariq is my main man, and also because I don’t really have anything else to say about this series.
Well, one last thing, I guess: “You take care, haters.”
—
Cavs/Wizards Game 6 Recap:
Nobody Beats The Wiz (LeBron = Cablevision)
by Tariq al Haydar
Sandstorms suck. Imagine if a really annoying dude followed you around all day sprinkling black pepper on your face. That’s how the weather has been these past few days, so I was thrilled when it started raining. Wash away the dust particles, rain. What a good omen: “Great day today,” I thought. And it seemed that it really WAS a good omen when I got a message from the Farmer asking me if I wanted to write the recap for Game 6 of the Cavs/Wizards series. This is what Jake must have felt when Ben told him he was going to Germany. But then I calmed down and realized that this was a lot more underwhelming.
As things stand, I’m contractually obliged to tell you to buy this, even though I don’t endorse it myself. Customers who bought that also enjoyed this.
Now that that’s out of the way, I should point out that I was planning to DVR the game, because it comes on at 2 A.M. local time. But I decided to watch it live since I was doing the write-up. Of course, the only thing that sucks more than watching a game at 2 in the morning is watching a game at 2 in the morning alone. So I had to bamboozle someone into watching the game with me. This is somewhat difficult when only 1.3% of your friends actually care about the NBA. My only shot was my boy The Ant, whose Kobe-love makes Holly look like Jemele Hill. I called him up:
Me: Hey, you wanna watch the Cav game?
Ant: LeBron will win the East. Kobe would too, if he was in the East.
Me: Yeah. So… the game?
Ant: LeBron reminds me of Terrell Davis.
Me: Man, EVERYTHING reminds you of Terrell Davis. I’m pretty sure that the little robot girl from Small Wonder reminds you of Terrell Davis.
Ant: TD.
Ant: Well, what time does the game start?
Me: 2.
Ant: …………………
Me: Hello?
Ant: The only thing that outweighs your impertinence is your staggering insolence.
Me: So…is that a “no”?
It was. So, Venti Cinnamon Dolce Latte in hand, I waited for the game in monk-like solitude. 11 pages of Infinite Jest, 63 minutes of Ninja Gaiden and 7 Facebook messages later the game was starting. Supposedly. My satellite provider, however, had other ideas. They felt compelled to ignore the game and show a replay of the Argentina-Germany game from the 2006 World Cup instead. If I had a soul, it would have been crushed (Ironically, that’s the same way I felt when I saw Germany beat Argentina the first time). I promptly hurled racial slurs at my TV, which did not retort.
That’s the bad news. The good news is that I managed to catch the highlights on (our version of) NBA TV the next morning. Also, my keen powers of perception allow me to glean a surprising amount of insight from only a handful of clips:
—”You know what: If Bron were 5-11 like Iverson, he’d probably also be accused of being a horrible teammate for not making Damon Jones ‘better’,” I tell my Apple Strudel Pop Tart. I’m not sure, but I think it agrees with me.
—If you’re Antwouwun Jamison, and you foul LeBron, then your face collides with Bron’s shoulder, after which you groggily look up to see that he’s scored, I’m guessing that the whole experience must be unpleasant.
—Much like an in-his-prime Shaq, Boobie evidently coasts through the regular season and saves his best for the Playoffs. Unlike Shaq, Boobie does not have an ongoing feud with Chris Quinn.
—DeBeard’s deep three is impressive. He didn’t have a particularly strong game, but a guy who plays good defense and shoots the three like he does can’t be all bad.
—If LeBron screamed at me, I’d be scared.
—The Corpse of Wally Wojciechowski goes for a career-postseason-high 26 points (10 in the fourth)! In retrospect, the only thing more difficult to predict than Wally’s explosion would be the identity of Kim Kardashian’s next sexual partner.
—Big Z isn’t sure about the number of teams in the NBA who don’t have LeBron James on their roster.
—With the gold vest he inflicted on the public after the game, LeBron is continuing his recent trend of unfortunate haberdashery. Apparently, Craig Sager, the gonorrhea of men’s fashion, is infectious.
—Caron Butler’s Game 5 heroics and the Soulja Boy theatrics have overshadowed the play of Antwuuuewn Jamison, Washington’s best player throughout the series. Very unfortunate.
—Forget about Bron’s silly 27, 13, 13 triple-double. The real reason the Cavs won: The absence of Darius Songaila.
So that’s it. The Wizards don’t score for most of the fourth, and Cleveland trounce them 105-88. Cavs in 6. Where do we go from here? Well, probably nowhere. Although, as I finish up this recap, I get a text message from The Ant. It’s very succinct:
“Boston are soft.”
40 Responses to “Cavs-Wizards Game 6 Recap”
May.4 at 1:19 pm
DP says:
Riq! ha ha, I love the way the commentors are taking over SLAMonline! great notes man.
May.4 at 1:21 pm
Holly MacKenzie says:
Yes, Tariq!!!
May.4 at 1:24 pm
Holly MacKenzie says:
ps… I work hard to keep the extent of my Kobe love under wraps. No comparisons to Ms. Hill, please! Great notes, thanks.
May.4 at 1:29 pm
namik says:
Good sh*t Tariq. Ryan’s book isn’t all bad. I actually owned a copy before all this comment business started here. Then when I got to “know” him, I promptly threw it out. Boston is up 11 right now. How crazy would it be if the Celtics made the Finals by only winning on their homecourt?
May.4 at 2:05 pm
H to the izzo says:
Saudi?Bah!More like Exeter,I know his game.
May.4 at 2:07 pm
peteb80 says:
I really enjoyed that MM..Food record. Beating Argentina was even better…
May.4 at 2:10 pm
peteb80 says:
Coincidentally, I went to that Saudi-Arabia vs. Tunisia game in the World Cup. I’m sure everybody vividly remembers that one.
May.4 at 2:13 pm
H to the izzo says:
I remember I Ireland beat Saudi Arabia at least 5-0 in the 2002 World Cup.That is all.
May.4 at 2:18 pm
peteb80 says:
Oh, this reminds me of how Germany beat Saudi-Arabia 8-0 in the 2002 World Cup.
May.4 at 2:46 pm
Tariq says:
izzo: Ireland actually beat us 3-0. But I disown my national team, so I shouldn’t really say “us”.
May.4 at 2:48 pm
Tariq says:
namik: Ryan’s book is actually quite crappy. I haven’t read it, but I think that’s a safe assumption.
May.4 at 2:51 pm
H to the izzo says:
Tariq:We really only beat them by 3?Now I’m disowning my national team.
May.4 at 3:08 pm
Ben Osborne says:
Nice work, Tariq. Did Ryan really pick the Wizards to win this series?
May.4 at 3:31 pm
Eboy says:
I think Ryan’s ass on page would have been better than this slop.
“Antwouwun Jamison”?
And I’m a bad speller?
May.4 at 3:32 pm
Eboy says:
Kidding. I would have actually have liked to hear FLUX’s take on this since he was so vocal early in this series.
May.4 at 3:36 pm
WhaHuh says:
Yeah Ben, I dont think Ryan likes LeBron
May.4 at 4:35 pm
TADOne says:
I can imagine Ryan’s ass looks a little like Calista Flockhart’s.
May.4 at 4:53 pm
Tariq says:
Thanks Ben. I think Ryan picked the Wizards to preemptively deflect his Bron bias. Very transparent.
May.4 at 6:37 pm
Rome says:
That little robot girls name was Vickie!!
May.4 at 7:49 pm
David says:
Thanks Tariq, good job. And you might want to investigate peer-to-peer tv, if you’re connection is fast enough. If you know Mandarin then you get commentary, but… it beats waiting for highlights or following live box score updates.
May.5 at 2:00 am
Hursty says:
thanks tariq! ‘Riq’ (btw, sounds like Rique=Enrique.=Glassias!!!! hahaha!
May.5 at 3:59 am
neaorin says:
Only Cavs - Wizards recaps can derail into Saudi Arabian national soccer team threads (Sami Al-Jaber FTW!)… Anyway, Cavs in 7, teh Boston are soft.
May.5 at 8:47 am
Cheryl says:
Nice job, my Arabian Brotha. Did anyone see Craig Sager’s tiger hanky in his breast pocket? That one was better than the purple gators.
May.5 at 9:30 am
Cub Buenning says:
Tariq, love your boy’s TD love. Nice work. One of my boys went to (a Christian)college with Vicki (SW) and she was supposedly pretty friendly with the fellas.
I used to love that high-flying Saudi side!
May.5 at 9:51 am
Tariq says:
Cub: His Bronco love in general is VERY annoying. To hear him speak, you’d think that John Elway makes (Michael Jordan + Pele + Tiger Woods + pre-war Muhammad Ali) look like Chris Childs after a few too many happy meals. Also, that piece of info concerning Vicki has destroyed the final iota of innocence/remnant of childhood I was clinging too. Nice work.
May.5 at 9:54 am
Tariq says:
Oh, and Cub, I assume that when you describe Saudi Arabia as “high-flying” you mean to say that they’re always on the first flight back home, right? (Although they were very good in 94. YouTube Saeed Owairan’s goal against Belgium. But the most incompetent FA in the world swiftly destroyed any potential for developing the sport).
May.5 at 10:33 am
Schroeder says:
Tariq, nice job with the article! I am pleased to see you still love B-Ball. Unfortunately, my Hawks couldn’t outlast Boston, so its a sad day for all where I live. (Though, honestly, even though every single person within 100 miles was “cheering” for the Hawks, not one person I know believed in them)
Anyway, I am glad to see you still love the NBA. Go King James
May.5 at 11:35 am
Sharif Abdul-Bird says:
There you have it, i finally got rid of my postophibia. I used to imagine people looking at my posts for hours trying to reveal the identity of the genuis that posted these immortal words which used build up pressure that kept my heart pounding like Ewings fist after he scored a critical lay up. (I dint recall that he did actually)
May.5 at 11:36 am
FLUXLAND says:
My take on what, Eboy? I didn’t care for either team in the series. Btw Argentina losing to (West)Germany in 1990 was soul crushing, but that German team was INSANE! Matthaus, Klinsmann, Voller…that team was a pleasure to watch.
May.5 at 11:37 am
Sharif Abdul-Bird says:
Excuse my spelling mistakes , but as Geff Van Gundy rightly said: If I make a bad play analysis,who cares!
May.5 at 12:01 pm
Red Hat says:
TAREK.
Was the Germany game, the one i opted to skip in Washington and you watched with Fahad?
Man, you should have told me about the re-run because i did not see it yet!!
May.5 at 1:17 pm
Cub Buenning says:
Tariq, The 94 and 98 teams were an up-tempo group that were just fun to watch. I had a chance to see them in person here in the states during the 94 cup but couldn’t make it, then did catch them get beat up by the host nation in 98.
What is wrong with that Elway statement? Seems ’bout right.
May.5 at 1:45 pm
Cub Buenning says:
FLUX, why no mention of Ruminninger?
I love those old German sides, too.
May.5 at 2:10 pm
FLUXLAND says:
Cub, that name escapes me, to be honest. Perhaps before my time. So many names though: Mueller, Fritz, Kopke & Khan!!
Der Keiser of course was the head coach of that 90s team. He’s a legend in the D. Matthaus - 5 straight World Cups.. I dunno is that’s even matched?. Who’s the guy that scored with the back of his head? And all those German teams seemed so disciplined and played with military precision (no surprise there). I guess that’s why soccer is so much fun to watch, all the different styles.
May.5 at 2:53 pm
peteb80 says:
Cub, it’s Rummenigge (I hope this goes through the filter) and he ended his international career some time in the 80ties.
May.5 at 6:12 pm
Tariq says:
Cub: One of the best games ever was between one of those old German teams and France at the 1982 World Cup. Schumacher, the German keeper, almost decapitated a French player (Battiston?). Germany/France was like the now defunct Spurs/Suns rivalry of recent years. And Platini was Nash.
May.5 at 7:21 pm
HE says:
Good stuff Tariq
Indeed Platini was Nash. When the Suns are getting their Zidane?
May.5 at 7:23 pm
HE says:
Good stuff Tariq
Indeed Platini was Nash. The Suns need to get a Zidane.
May.5 at 8:07 pm
FLUXLAND says:
This is true, Tariq, but Toni also had a crazy penalty shoot out save in that Cup. The first time the World Cup had a shoot out.
May.6 at 1:26 am
Gerwin says:
Tariq, wonderful job! “Craig Sager, the gonorrhea of men’s fashion….” My coffee came back out when I read this line. Classic!