The NBA’s Most Valuable Player
And I don’t even know the guy.
In these, my golden years, I enjoy the chance to peek in occasionally on the world of the young people. Like yourselves. That includes dabbling in such magical digital realms as MyBook and FaceSpace where, as a fellow 30-something pointed out the other day, “We use shots of our kids in our Profile photos to distract from the fact that we’re dirty old men trolling the internet.” To which I said, “Word.”
Anyway, in the space of a few hours the other day, two unrelated slamonline regulars shouted across the ether, IMing me or tagging my Facebook wall or some such silliness to ask me essentially the same question: “You’ve been quiet on this whole MVP business. What gives, old man? WHAT GIVES?” What gives is that I HAVE A F*CKING JOB, while every single one of you people appears to be unemployed. Where do you find the time for this? Do our advertisers know they’re pitching products to a virtual room full of welfare recipients? This business model makes the housing market look sturdy. We are screwed.
But—and this is good news for everyone, really—that’s only part of the answer. I don’t know the other part, so I’m going to avoid answering it by changing the subject and talking about the MVP race now.
First, let me start by making it more complicated than it needs to be. ‘Cause I’m good like that. Let’s say there’s, like, 20 guys whose names, if you’re really being thorough, you have to throw into the hat. I’m not talking about MVP “candidates” in the literal sense, just guys whose numbers and team records at least get them a brief mention in the conversation. We’ll include them now because their presence will help us cancel out some of their teammates. And that’ll be fun.
I’m talking about guys like Stephen Jackson and Manu Ginobili and Josh Howard and David West. They’re all really, really good players having great years, but I trust we can all agree they’re not actual MVP candidates. We can? Good.
(If I may, please allow me to address the players directly. It’s a cheap narrative tool that will help me write this more quickly. Thanks.)
So, peace, Jax, and take Monta Ellis and, yes, Baron Davis with you. Three great players with pretty similar numbers on a fun team that may not make the playoffs. And laterz, Josh Howard. Please don’t let the door hit Dirk on the way out. Despite typically great numbers, he’s also not a candidate, for reasons we all know and need not discuss further.
David West, hang around, preferably off stage. We don’t want to confuse anyone, but we might need you to say a few words on someone else’s behalf later on. Thanks, big guy.
Manu, seriously, you’re starting to look like a senator with that combover. Just shave it and move on, dude! Anyway, you can leave, and you should probably ask Tony and Tim if they need a ride. Can anyone even pretend to know which of you is the most important player on that team? I know, it’s Tim, of course, but in any given game (or half, or quarter), Tony or Manu are unstoppable, and I just get so confused. You guys may very well end up with the best record in the West, and you might even finally figure out how to repeat. But you’re just so damn complementary, and that doesn’t help us at all.
Melo. AI. Has a dream matchup ever been more off the radar? Maybe Deron and ‘Los, actually — and at least those guys know they’ll be playing in two weeks. In both cases, though, y’all are a little too comparable in your contributions to team. This is an individual award. You remember those, Allen. Take care fellas.
What’ve we got, nine left? Alright, that’s doable. We’ll start with you, Steve. Your numbers are generally better than they were in ‘04-05, when you won the first of your two MVP awards: You’re scoring more and shooting a higher percentage from the field, the arc and the line. Logically, you should be a lock, and so, of course, you’re not. Also, there’d be even further accusations about David Duke running the voting process if we picked you over Amare — 25 and 9 on 59 percent shooting is hard to ignore. Still, is he only good because he’s playing with you? Or is it the other way around. Again, these things are confusing. It’s probably better if you just leave.
Now. Who’s next…
Ah. Dwight. Great numbers. Ridiculous numbers. Especially-scary-because-they’ll- only-get-better numbers. The free-throw shooting and turnover numbers are a little off-putting, though. Also, your team has not even a sliver of a fraction of a chance of winning the NBA championship this season. So you can’t win this award. Come back in, what, two years? Three? We’ll be here.
Tracy. Dog. That whole “F*ck you if you think I’ma let this team tank with Yao gone” run was very, very impressive. The fact that your statistically second-best player is currently Rafer F*cking Alston, and yet you’re still in the mix for homecourt in the West? Inconceivable. Yet your numbers, while very good, are not great. Certainly not LBJ and KB great. Plus, we know your history. So.
So.
Kevin Garnett. Who thought we’d see you so soon? Back in October, I picked your team to win the NBA Championship. I still think you’ll do it. Good for you. You deserve it, you big silly kid. You’re good at basketball! Plus, you have a nice smile. I like you a lot. I don’t think you’re the MVP though.
My “friend” Myles and I had a brief, nasty IM chat about this the other day. Myles was coked out as usual (I don’t have to tell you, do I Kevin? Minny’s not a big town…) and he was all like “You can’t hold it against KG that he’s got good teammates,” and I’m all like “Dude, I totally can.” And Kevin, here’s what I’m saying: Dude, I totally can. Do you like Jeopardy!? No? F*ck you anyway, let’s play:
Answer: Points per game; blocks per game; steals per game; assists per game; free-throw percentage; field-goal percentage; minutes per game.
Question: What is, “Statistical categories in which Kevin Garnett does not lead the 2007-08 Boston Celtics?”
That’s right! Told you this game was fun. Listen, I know, it’s not all about the statistics. I know your leadership skills and intensity and sh*t like that “don’t show up in a box score,” though I can’t figure out why Bill James or one of those other nerds hasn’t figured out how to make that happen yet. Like I said, you’re really good. But I’m honestly, honestly not sure if you’re more “valuable” to your team than Paul Pierce is. Does that make me crazy? Kevin?
Dude totally just walked out. D*ck.
Hey there, Chris Paul. You know what I like to do? I like to remind people that once, a couple years ago, during a nationally televised ACC game, you punched Julius Hodge in the nuts. I may enjoy this too much, actually, and I’m going to try and stop now. I hope we’re cool. Anyway, you’re having quite the season. Maybe more surprisingly, your team is having quite the season. Great numbers, lots of wins. Good for you.
Seriously, though, this is about Kobe and LeBron. When people debate the best player alive, they don’t mention Chris Paul’s name. They just don’t. They talk about you, Kobe Bryant, whose team has a lot more wins than yours, LeBron James. In fairness, KB, you’ve had more help, and better luck with your health… and in fairness, Bron, you play in a really sh*tty conference. I figure that can work both ways — it’s tougher to win games in the West, no question, but there’s also more motivation to win when you know 50 wins might leave you in the Lottery, while 43 wins should get you homecourt in the East. But whatever.
Both of your numbers are awfully good, but Bron’s are better, pretty much across the board. That 30-8-7 is the best since that Michael Jackson or Jefferson or whatever the heck back in the late ’80s — though not, as my friend Russ points out, quite as good. But really, really f*cking good nonetheless.
Beyond that, there’s the intangible, unaswerable question of who’s most important to their team. It’s hard for me to imagine a universe in which that’s not LeBron. You’ve missed, what, seven or eight games this year? And the Cavs are, what, 0-7 or 0-8 in those games? I’m just saying.
So, for me, it’s LeBron over Kobe. Surprised?
I meant for second place. Surprised?
Chris Paul is the Most Valuable Player in the NBA this season, and not only because Tyson Chandler compares CP3 to his girlfriend. Given the groupie culture and rate of cheating in the NBA, I would be reluctant to take this as a compliment if I were Chris. But that’s not my problem.
Chris Paul is averaging 21.3 points, a League-best 11.4 assists and League-best 2.7 steals per game. Motherf*cker’s efficient, too: Second only to Nash in assists per 48 minutes, and he kills Steve in assist-to-turnover ratio. He also shoots a better percentage from the floor —a Nash-esque 49 percent — than his 20-and-9-averaging partner David West. He is dope, and he has been clearly the best player on what is, as I type this, the best team in the best conference in the League. He has my non-existent vote.
That’s all. Please don’t post any comments below. I’d like this to be just about me. Thanks.
55 Responses to “The NBA’s Most Valuable Player”
Apr.10 at 9:08 am
Eboy says:
Fu*k you. Let’s put 700 comments on this page, preferrably about the shi*tiness of Joe Paterno and have horrible misspellings everywhere to cause Jones to develop a brain aneurysm. And poor Myles, dragged through the mud for the betterment of a website post. Turrible.
Apr.10 at 9:10 am
Eboy says:
This was also the most entertaining MVP pick piece I’ve read, ever, so I can fondle you from afar, Jones, mentally, due to the goodness of it.
Apr.10 at 9:13 am
riggs says:
oops.
Apr.10 at 9:14 am
H to the izzo says:
I stopped reading when Ryan called me poor,I don’t need to be reminded.
Apr.10 at 9:27 am
BETCATS says:
where is the post up? Joooooooooooooooooooones
Apr.10 at 9:30 am
overtime says:
Mr glass half-full
Apr.10 at 9:34 am
TADOne says:
Is it the 15th yet?
Apr.10 at 9:39 am
Eboy says:
CP34MVP
Apr.10 at 9:39 am
Eboy says:
LBJ234MVP
Apr.10 at 9:40 am
Eboy says:
CQ114MIP
Apr.10 at 9:47 am
BETCATS says:
Starbury 4 MVP
Apr.10 at 9:55 am
Tariq says:
I would like to respond to Mr. Jones in bullet-form, all of which will be scrunched together because I can’t for the life of me figure out how to skip a line: - Ryan, my only job is to love you unconditionally in the most homo-erotic way imaginable. - I can’t argue with Chris Paul. He’s as good a choice as anyone (although Kobe still gets MY non-existent vote at this point). - I am not surprised at ALL that you rate Bron over Kobe. We could argue this until the cows come home, and it IS a subjective issue, but what you said about Dwight Howard also applies to LeBron (about his team, not about his FTs and TOs). Of course, Bron has vastly superior stats to Dwight. Then again, the Magic are ahead of the Cavs in the standings. With Bron’s numbers, if Cleveland had the 2 seed in the East, he would be my MVP hands down. But 43 wins in, as you say, a sh*tty conference counts against him big time. That’s why KG is ahead of him on my (all-important) list.
Apr.10 at 9:55 am
Tariq says:
*bullet-point form
Apr.10 at 9:58 am
Tariq says:
Oh, and you don’t need to be modest: you picked the Celtics to win it back in AUGUST, not October.
Apr.10 at 10:01 am
peteb80 says:
You just have to
push enter
to skip
a line, I think.
Apr.10 at 10:02 am
Tariq says:
Doesn’t work.
Apr.10 at 10:19 am
Captain America says:
Who cares what u think Rhine Bones
Apr.10 at 10:19 am
Dan says:
Shift+Enter should work.
BUT, I truly think, in my heart of hearts, that CP3 is the League’s MVP. Sorry to all of you Kobe d!ck-riders. . .
Apr.10 at 10:19 am
Captain America says:
CP3=MVP(2)
Apr.10 at 10:21 am
Ben Osborne says:
I don’t agree with Ryan’s MVP pick, but his writing style is very agreeable. Very amusing piece, my friend.
Apr.10 at 10:21 am
Dan says:
Try that, Tariq.
Apr.10 at 10:23 am
Tariq says:
Let’s
see
Apr.10 at 10:24 am
Tariq says:
Thanks
Dan
Apr.10 at 10:26 am
Tariq says:
By the way, I LOVE Jeopardy. Too bad this week is Kids’ week.
Apr.10 at 10:33 am
Jake says:
Jones is a big bully.I am poor though…stupid university.But even with the insult I would like to take this time to thank him for making such a long post for me to read while my professor drones on about global warming.Mike Miller for MVP!
Apr.10 at 10:33 am
Dan says:
All the better for Jones. What a creeper.
Apr.10 at 10:45 am
Ken H. says:
Chris Paul’s teammates have great years, it’s all because of him. Kobe’s teammates have great years, it’s because they were talented all along when everyone has been saying how junk they were for the past 3 years. Not because of Kobe, of course not. Yeah, that makes a TON of sense.
Apr.10 at 10:55 am
Not Ryan Jones says:
Hi Ken: Other than the high-pitched little voice inside your head, who said that?
Apr.10 at 11:06 am
Simone Lawy says:
cp3 definitly can’t bring his team into postseason without his teammate [west, peja, tyson] but kobe guide his cba team into playoff all by himself last two season. It’s his time, his year, he deserve da MVP vote. And he play with his injure finger this season, he’s da MVP.
Apr.10 at 11:39 am
killa myke says:
cp3 is not more valuable than Kobe or LeBron. end of discussion
Apr.10 at 11:50 am
Bryan says:
It’s gotta be Kobe.
Apr.10 at 12:08 pm
TADOne says:
I can’t vote since I supposedly don’t work and I’m not a functioning part of society.
Apr.10 at 12:50 pm
Myles Brown says:
My “friend” Ryan is sofa king we todd ed and should expect a lengthy rebuttal.
Apr.10 at 12:51 pm
Myles Brown says:
And Ryans really just mad cause I get the good prices…
Apr.10 at 12:56 pm
Eboy says:
HAHA!!!!!!!!! Jones is a sofa king we todd!
Apr.10 at 1:14 pm
Myles Brown says:
Well, Im off to buy more coke with my welfare checks but just wanted to say I wish Kobe would have been less “motivated” and sprained his off hand so he could sit out six games and show everyone how valuable he really is. And I told you that trade sucked.
Apr.10 at 1:22 pm
Michael says:
i have no beef with CP3 winning MVp. How has Kobe had more luck with injuries than Lebron. Bynums been hurt for more than half the season, Trevor Ariza their best defender has been gone just as long, Pau missed 11 games not to mention that Kobe is actually playing with a injured hand, when Lebron missed 6 games cause his pinkie hurt a little.
Apr.10 at 2:03 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
I’m not unemployed, I’m unemployable.
Apr.10 at 2:14 pm
eric g says:
LeBron really should get it. Nobody in the league has as big of a burden to carry they’re team offensively. He’s surrounded by garbage. Ridiculous holdouts (Varejao, Pavlovic), endless injuries (Z, Boobie), the stinky rotting corpse of Ben Wallace. Its amazing they’re still have the 4th seed. LeBron runs point, small forward and power forward, and literally creates almost 50% (or something close to it, so sez Hollinger) of the team’s offense by himself. This is an INDIVIDUAL award, not a team success/remarkable turnaround award. Bron deserves it.
Apr.10 at 2:45 pm
Rafa says:
its Kobe for MVP. Kobe got most talented squad but it doesn’t matter if they arn’t playing.
KB24=MVP
Apr.10 at 2:49 pm
Sam Mitchell's Conscience says:
@ eric g.
I’m laughing very hard at “the stinky rotting corpse of Ben Wallace”. Thank you.
Apr.10 at 5:12 pm
Allen says:
My job sucks.
Apr.11 at 2:19 am
KA says:
this article right here? this is why i continue to care for slam, post the scoop jackson years. i love you too lang.
Apr.11 at 7:40 am
zeyad bastamy says:
kobe for mvp period!
last year they said his team was awful, did not reach the 50 wins mark, and they gave it to a dirk not to say his value, and the mavs were out sooner that his receipt of the trophy!
the year before the same story……….
this year, what, the lakers are playing like a championship team, like true champs, what next?\cp3 sure he deserves one soon, but not know, with him the hornmets can stings, with west,peja and mr rejections are tough team, but think about it, if not now for kobe then when?
lebron is an mvp in the making, next year, when they can go 2nd in the east, he will win it, not this year, kg also is an mvp forever, but he did win it before, so plz……………kobe!!!!!!\
also to mention that tmac should be there as well, i mean the nega did almost the impossible to win every game the rockets did play, with him in the line up…..the rockets are also a wild team………
one more thing iverson as well deserves a nomination for his heart fought battles, he was amazing!
regarding an artical on yahoo regarding the LVP, and vince clinch this, i do not see that, but i can not judge, since i am a vince fan, but the thing is he was playing with injuries and aching ankles,so stop the hating, look at him what did he do the last 12 gmaes, 29 and more per game, 7 rbs 6 as, damn, these should be his numbers for the season next year!\
with harris rj and the young core it sounds good for the nets! trust me it would a wild year for the nets the nest season! 08-09
peace………..and again kobe for mvp!
Apr.11 at 10:09 am
hursty says:
I heart it when crazy people post stuff.
Apr.11 at 11:29 am
BETCATS says:
A
BB
Apr.11 at 5:06 pm
davezorz says:
Dude, I can smell it from a mile away. CP3 is going to win the MVP award when the Hornets get the top seed in the west. Then, Deron Williams is going to outplay him in the second round because he always outplays CP3 head-to-head, the Jazz will win in five or so games, and we’ll all spend the summer thinking about what morons the MVP voters are — again.
Apr.11 at 5:53 pm
BigMatta says:
dude!!!……..you’re a big time tripper!!! Whoah!! but you made sense…..and the right call in the end!! D**K
Apr.11 at 7:06 pm
FLUXLAND says:
Great read… thanks for making me forget about the awful day I had today. Had me laughing out loud a few times.
Apr.12 at 11:55 am
Kobe24Bryant says:
Kobe is MVP
Apr.12 at 5:09 pm
manny says:
As Kobe learned from the NBA predecessors, like Mike and Magic, so are the young generation like LeBron and Chris learning from Kobe. The difference is Kobe is still playing. Kobe is the face of NBA in the entire world. He is not only MVP of his team and NBA, he is the MVP of the whole Basketball watching world. So, Kobe haters shame on you..and that is mostly writers and lousy ESPN..Adande and Woodey shame shame on you for the past 10 years.
Apr.12 at 11:25 pm
JePan says:
Kobe=MVP
Apr.13 at 10:44 am
lakrfanman says:
The most stupid write up yet. Lebron hurt pinkie, Kobe needs surgery. Kobe carried the load last 3 yrs, scored more 2 seasons in a row than LBJ this yr, and had one month with no less than 40 pts or more. A whole month. Not even MJ did that. Yet did he win MVP. No,as usual stupid media writers showed thier bias. CP3, what a laugh. He has tanked big time the last 4 games. What a great MVP, when their season is on the line he can’t hit a shot. All u haters suck. You treated MJ like a God yet Magic was the best so far. He played every position and did great when asked to. MJ, LBJ, and CP3 wouldn’t be able to do that. Wise up best player ever, Kobe for MVP.
Apr.17 at 11:01 am
hugh says:
it’s really tuff to argue your Cp3 pick but lets keep it real hear last yr the league goofed by makeing David hasseloff, sh*0 I mean Dirk mvp, shudda been Kobe, but this year they’ll get it right LBJ MVP, before I go let me just say melo & Labron shouldda shared co-rookie of the yr honors way back then.
Apr.17 at 11:16 am
hugh says:
this DURANT guy si a talent 4real but he’s not the slam dunk rookie of the yr when you consider Al Hartford played on a playoff team a more balanced team, lets see we got Joe 22pts,josh 17pts, marvin william 15pts lets not for get Mike bibby 14pts my point is this team has 6 players who average double figures in scoring this boards, well it oh ya did I MENTION LBJ MVPPPPPPPPP…………