Cavs-Wizards Game 1 Recap
Featuring yet another extended, rambling political metaphor. Can’t say you weren’t warned.
By Ryan Jones
You may already know this: The remaining Democratic presidential candidates debated on ABC last week, and most of the post-debate discussion was not about what either of the candidates had to say. It was about how remarkably and completely the ABC talking heads sucked at moderating the debate. Instead of asking Clinton and Obama about the actual issues facing actual Americans, and how they might deal with them, the network clowns tried to stir up sh*t by rehashing the pseudo-controversies that tend to dominate political discourse these days. I didn’t actually watch the debate — didn’t see the need, since I already know who I’m voting for (1) — but from everything I’ve heard and read since, the folks at ABC embarrassed themselves, their media peers, and pretty much anyone with an IQ over 40 by wasting everyone’s time over some trivial bullsh*t when they could’ve been talking about sh*t that actually matters.
I didn’t watch Game 1 of the Cavs-Wizards series, either. Saturday was Penn State’s annual spring football scrimmage, and given the choice between A) sitting inside and watching a televised sporting event, or B) going outside on a sunny, 80-degree day, drinking beer, bouncing a Nerf ball off my 3-year-old’s face, hanging with 73,000 of my dearest friends and watching half of a fake football game, well, there wasn’t really a choice at all (2). But between Lang’s inflammatory text-messaging and lots of postgame highlights, I have a pretty good sense of what went down.
For example, I know Cleveland won.
I know other stuff, too: LeBron played valuably; Antawn was pretty great; Z was necessary, and will need to keep this up if the Cavs have any chance of doing anything beyond this series; Gilbert was OK but clearly still not himself off the bench; Boobie stepped up and will need to do it again, since no one else on the Cavs’ meager bench seems interested; and DeShawn Stevenson looks like an even bigger tool than he already did, if that’s possible.
Anyway, back to that first paragraph. I watched the highlights on ESPN News, which apparently decided to let George Papadapolous and Charlie Gibson write the intro copy for its anchors. Point being, and totally unsurprisingly, pretty much the whole damn intro into the game coverage was “DeShawn Stevenson said LeBron’s overrated!” and “In his ‘blog,’ GIlbert Arenas said he wanted Cleveland!” and “Hi, we’re well-paid clowns who enunciate relatively well!” They didn’t talk about anything of substance, because why would they? As I’ve stated previously, most of the hype surrounding this series comes down to rehashing some stupid sh*t some people said. As someone calling himself The Life and Times of Roger Rabbit (no idea…) posted on this very website over the weekend, “It was so nice of the announcers for Cavs-Wiz game to remind us every five minutes that there was trash talk between the teams.”
Kind of like how most of this presidential campaign has been covered by most in the media. Now, if you really care about the outcome of the election, you are hopefully well-versed on the candidates’ stances, voting records, etc. And if you really care about the outcome of this series, you know about the matchups and recent history and questions about Cleveland’s motivation and Gilbert’s health and the general inability of any team outside of San Antonio to slow down LeBron.
The rest of it’s horsesh*t.
That said, it was a good game. My Wizards-in-6 prediction aside, the Cavs should win this thing if LeBron stays healthy. And he probably will. All this postgame talk about how the Wizards are trying to beat him up — who do they think dude is? As Bron himself said postgame, “I was built for this. I’m not 6-9, 260 pounds to shoot jump shots. I go to the hole and create contact. Don’t ever think that I’m the only one feeling contact.”
I’ll probably watch Game 2.
Footnotes:
(1) There’s an old guy who lives around the corner from me. Last week, he put a placard on his front lawn that reads “Millard Fillmore for President.” It’s even got a blown-up photo of Millard Fillmore, who, wikipedia tells me, was the 13th president of the United States. I’m not sure why my neighbor thinks (sarcastically, I assume, since Fillmore’s apparently been dead for 134 years) this dude would make the best president? Experience? The fact that, since he inherited the job after Zachary Taylor died and was never actually elected, he’s due another chance? The fact that he was the last president NOT to be either a Republican or Democrat and thus could heal our nation’s red-blue divide? The fact that he was affiliated with the two dopest-named political parties in American history, the Whigs (3) and the Know-Nothings? No idea. Regardless, Millard has my vote.
(2) Not actually my tailgate.
(3) Not the Afghan Whigs, a really cool band who were not, as far as I know, involved in 19th century American politics. Which is sort of too bad.
63 Responses to “Cavs-Wizards Game 1 Recap”
Apr.21 at 9:58 am
Myles Brown says:
So Deshawn Stevenson is Hillary Clinton?
Apr.21 at 10:05 am
German Reignman says:
the beard was a giveaway
Apr.21 at 10:07 am
Truth About It Dot Net says:
I love how the Cavs win game 1…on their home court….and everyone is ready to throw their ‘Wizards win’ predictions out the window. Way to stick with it Ryan Jones.
Apr.21 at 10:11 am
Eboy says:
Pretty good scoring line for Lebron who did next to nothing offensivley for the entire 1st quarter. Deshawn tried acting like he covered Bron on his own when all the Wiz did was run a double at him everytime he touched the ball and Lebron just facilitated.
Apr.21 at 10:12 am
Tariq says:
I see you’ve gone all Wallace-y with the footnotes. Interestingly, I was thinking of jacking that myself, although not the extent that DFW takes it. Is that plaigiarism?
Apr.21 at 10:12 am
Ryan Jones says:
HRC spoke on campus here last night and drew 1,500. Obama drew about 22,000. So statistically, assuming Bron is Barack, yeah, that seems to work in my little corner of the world.
Apr.21 at 10:13 am
Ryan Jones says:
Klosterman does it too, Tariq, and I’ll borrow inspiration wherever I can. That said, I don’t think either of them invented the footnote.
Apr.21 at 10:15 am
Tariq says:
No, I meant is it plaigiarism if I use it the same way he does, which is different from your way. Nevermind.
Apr.21 at 10:16 am
Myles Brown says:
Now if only someone would throw a rock at her ‘tour bus’ this analogy would come full circle. Then HRC, Soulja Boy and DeShawn Stevenson could all go buy some duct tape together. Or have their larynxs removed.
Apr.21 at 10:16 am
Ryan Jones says:
Huh? Oh. Um. Ok.
Apr.21 at 10:16 am
Tariq says:
Also, despite the Cavs-Wiz game being pretty good, I think you made the right choice regarding the football scrimmage.
Apr.21 at 10:19 am
Tariq says:
And ALL media is focused on horsesh*t. Except SLAM, World Soccer, Le Monde Diplomatique and Maxim.
Apr.21 at 10:21 am
Eboy says:
Jones, your boy doesn’t put his head down, chin tucked in, and closes his eyes as the football comes near him like mine does? The only thing he catches well is a basketball which is so weird because it’s so much heavier than a football.
Apr.21 at 10:28 am
BETCATS says:
simplicity in complexity = this
Apr.21 at 10:30 am
Ryan Jones says:
He usually goes for the neck-exposed, head turned back-and-to-the-side with his eyes closed. Good for his eyes, bad for his larynx. He’ll learn. Especially if I keep pegging him in the neck.
Apr.21 at 10:31 am
BETCATS says:
Nerf balls are for pu$$ies, Jones why didnt you use a 20 lbs. weighted ball?
Apr.21 at 10:31 am
Tariq says:
Ryan: At least he can defecate in designated areas.
Apr.21 at 10:33 am
Tariq says:
BET: Nice to see you, man!
Apr.21 at 10:33 am
Sam Rubenstein says:
I had the choice between sleeping in and watching playoff games yesterday or getting up at 6:30 to go running for an adidas event in central park.
I made the wrong choice.
Apr.21 at 10:35 am
BETCATS says:
Tariq, i extend your salutation to you, except with your name and 2 extra !!
Apr.21 at 10:40 am
BETCATS says:
In the name of Jeff Van Gundy’s Diet Pepsi i miss the Post Up
Apr.21 at 10:41 am
BETCATS says:
nothing agianst Farmers, my favorite game on miniclips.com is throwning ice creams at the amish farmer. How do you do it Joooooooooones?
Apr.21 at 10:41 am
TADOne says:
Hey Sam, your boy Eli got married. Where is your 2,000 word post on this?
Apr.21 at 10:50 am
Krishan says:
yah sam, that adidas event was the bomb, how’d it feel wasting your time watching overgrown children put a stupid ball through a stupid hoop?
wait.
Apr.21 at 10:53 am
BETCATS says:
did my comments go away?
Apr.21 at 10:55 am
Mayor of Lovetron says:
Good call on the first paragraph…George Stephanopoulos to Obama “do you think Reverand Wright loves America as much as you do?” F*ck man, talk about trick questions
Apr.21 at 10:56 am
BETCATS says:
i guess reposting it would be a bad idea.
Apr.21 at 11:02 am
BETCATS says:
?
Apr.21 at 11:43 am
Sam Rubenstein says:
the event was fun… getting up early that early after late night before will have lingering effects.
I can’t believe Eli got married. Joe Namath needs to sit him down and explain how the world works.
Apr.21 at 12:22 pm
Cub Buenning says:
Great piece, followed by that nice shout towards the Afghan version, a band I saw several times during those very 90s.
Probably unlike many college hoopers of that time, a little pregrame Gentlemen was in my CD player.
Apr.21 at 12:31 pm
Tariq says:
Btw, I thought the Whigs were only in England. The more you know.
Apr.21 at 12:43 pm
Cub Buenning says:
I’m Michael J. Fox, and that’s one to grow on….
Apr.21 at 1:00 pm
t-rocc says:
nice “Webster” reference, Ryan…
Apr.21 at 1:00 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Jealous you saw them live, Cub, as I don’t believe I ever did. Great band. Along the same lines, some of my favorite NBA interactions involve brief but memorable conversations with Tom Gugliotta and Steve Nash (separately) about Radiohead.
Apr.21 at 1:01 pm
Ryan Jones says:
t-rocc: ?
Apr.21 at 1:04 pm
H to the izzo says:
Kid A
Apr.21 at 1:07 pm
Cub Buenning says:
Providence was a pretty great place for music as most bands would connect it to a trip up to/back from Beantown (buffalo tom, mudhoney, jawbreaker, jawbox, superchunk, Built to Spill, Bob Mould, seaweed, etc…) Googs digs Radiohead?!?! Nice!
Apr.21 at 1:07 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Izzo: Mine and Russ’ drunken night with Mark Cuban (someday we’ll write that book) included me somewhat drunkenly accosting a somewhat drunk, pre-MVP Nashty outside a bar in Philly on this very topic. I think that was pre Kid A-though. It’s fuzzy.
Apr.21 at 1:11 pm
H to the izzo says:
Pre 2000?Still OK Computer was pretty great too,but no match for Kid A.Kid A was epic and if Chuck Klosterman is to be believed,Thom Yorke predicted 9/11.
Apr.21 at 1:16 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Chuck had some sort of great quote about how the guys in Radiohead were smarter than all the other people in all the other bands he’d ever met put together (it’s not exactly that, but that was roughly the idea). Plus, he got to ride around Dublin in Bono’s Mazerrati — with Bono, if that wasn’t clear — which explains the fact that, while I like Chuck, I hate him.
And I love Kid A, but would argue that OKC is on another level.
You never know which direction a slamonline comments section will go…
Apr.21 at 1:23 pm
H to the izzo says:
As I said,I think Kid A is probably the best Radiohead album so far.But I’m the kind of guy who like lyrics that mean nothing and everything at the same time.I’m still surprised how much you love Bono but you’ve already explained that to me so I won’t go any further.
Apr.21 at 1:55 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Bono’s my dad. I told you that, right?
Apr.21 at 1:59 pm
H to the izzo says:
Not in so many words,but that was the gist.Radiohead talk completely killed the comments,I apologize.
Apr.21 at 2:04 pm
AG. says:
Ryan, I agree that the people calling game 1 were lame. They were saying…”LeBron is Jay-Z and Stevenson is Soulja Boy” They didn’t even know who or what they were talking about. And yes Gilbert isn’t 100%, however he is a great spark off the bench that a lot of teams do not have an answer for. I’m headed to game 3 and 4, it should be a good look. And in an unrelated side bar: thank you for being a great mentor to me when I first started in this journalism thing. Peace. Anthony
Apr.21 at 2:11 pm
t-rocc says:
Ryan - i could have sworn that’s what the “George Papadapolous” was about. maybe your mid-80’s sitcom knowledge is all in your subconscious. from Wikipedia: The show, set in Chicago, revolved around Webster Long, a seven-year-old Black orphan (Emmanuel Lewis) whose biological parents were recently killed in a car accident. He is then taken in by retired football star George Papadopolis (Alex Karras), with whom his late father played professional football in the 1970s, and his wife Katherine (Susan Clark), a blue-blooded socialite with no housekeeping skills whatsoever.
Apr.21 at 2:27 pm
Ryan Jones says:
What’s good AG! Looking forward to your take on the games in DC.
Apr.21 at 2:30 pm
Ryan Jones says:
t-rocc: Of course. I was mostly just making a cheap one-off joke about Stephonapolous’ name, which I then forgot I made. But yes, of course I remember Webster, the best sitcom ever starring a former Detroit Lion All-Pro who was once suspended (for an entire season, I think) for gambling. My favorite episode is the one where Webster walks in on George and Katherine having sex, and he thinks they were fighting or something. I also like the episode where Webster says, “Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout Willis!” Although I don’t remember who played Willis.
Apr.21 at 3:27 pm
The Life and Times of Roger Rabbit says:
Don’t hate on the name Ryan. I just wanted to come up with something utterly senseless and it appears I succeeded hence the “no idea” comment from you.
Apr.21 at 3:45 pm
Hursty says:
wtf is a nerf ball?
Apr.21 at 4:00 pm
Ryan Jones says:
I get it. Some rappers feel compelled to name themselves after failed third-world dictators, and you felt compelled to name yourself, um, that. I wasn’t hating, just didn’t see the logic. Still don’t. But it’s better than Nore, so I’ll let it go.
Apr.21 at 4:01 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Hursty: Does your country have Google?
Apr.21 at 4:51 pm
The Life and Times of Roger Rabbit says:
That’s the point Ryan. My name was not supposed to be created based on logic. It popped into my head and I thought it was so stupid that I should definitely use it.
Apr.21 at 5:03 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Cool. My legal name is actually Elmer Fudd, and “Ryan Jones” was the craziest sh*t I could come up with. Funny how these things work.
Apr.21 at 5:37 pm
Sam Rubenstein says:
Ryan, thankfully the candidates themselves choose to talk policy instead of the tabloid/entertainment stuff. Like so:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbaxHjxOlo4
Apr.21 at 5:41 pm
The Life and Times of Roger Rabbit says:
You and your sarcasm Mr. Jones. I mean Mr. Fudd.
Apr.21 at 6:05 pm
albie1kenobi says:
not that anybody asks, OK computer is one of my all time fav albums, but Kid A is definitely something else. i feel a lot of people don’t know how to enjoy kid A and thus it’s not rated as high as OKC. it’s SO GOOD though. “everything in its right place” is such an amazing song.
Apr.21 at 7:01 pm
Hursty says:
ok Jones.
Apr.21 at 7:02 pm
Hursty says:
you can probably call them squishy balls etc. here. Nerf-meh. ok. pretty funny though. I want your son to blog. that kid is gonna be amazing.
Apr.21 at 7:05 pm
Tariq says:
Ryan: I know what you mean about dictators. That’s stupid. The Outlawz are all named what…Idi Amin, Kaddafi and Marie Antoinette. Much better to name yourself after a superhero or villian. I’d be Mister Mxyzptlk. And “The Life and Times of Roger Rabbit” reminds me of one of the greatest novels of all time: “The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman.” which, incidentally, is a precursor to Infinite Jest. So much so that I’m surprised no one’s mentioned it to me before.
Apr.21 at 7:07 pm
Tariq says:
Qirat.
Apr.21 at 8:41 pm
John E. Sanford says:
I feel stupid saying the Wiz should win this series. They tugged on Superman’s cape and he decided to kick their collective asses…
Apr.21 at 9:19 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
I hate NBA officiating. Is this the WNBA?
Apr.21 at 9:45 pm
Hursty says:
haywood flagrant!?!?! B.S