The Commish Memo
Re: cryogenic vs. geriatric, East vs. West, Kobe vs. LeBron and more…
By Vincent Thomas
Sometimes, there’s just too much stuff going on to select one topic and roll from there. This is one of those weeks. So, I’m introducing The Memo. It’ll be a periodic feature that appears under The Commish umbrella. The look/focus/approach/scope might evolve, but, for now, I plan to use The Memo to include a number of bulleted thoughts – some quick, some lengthy, some random, some pointed – that don’t warrant a full column devoted to that specific topic. You can also email me any questions or assertions and if they don’t sound as if they were spouted from the mouth of a rube, I might include it (and a response) in some of the upcoming Memo editions. With that said, let’s get it…
$$$ It’s crazy to watch 50-year-old Dikembe wagging his decrepit, arthritic index finger after pinning some young buck to the fiberglass. Can this dude really still be playing ball on that, very functional, level? Kidd is getting toasted by the young-stud point guards these days, but he’s still flying up the court, throwing no-looks and oops. He’s 35. How is he possible? How is Nash possible? Grant Hill, Sam-I-Am, Functional Finley – all of these dudes are cryogenic. I swear that team execs are cryogenically freezing these dudes during the offseason as a preservation practice. That’s how a dude, like Big Shot Rob (37) can come back swingin’ like Austin Powers in the postseason. Cryogenic: it’s a new adjective I’m droppin’ on y’all, one we can use to describe any athlete, over 33, that’s still balling on a non-Eric Snow level — Snow’s not cryogenic, he’s geriatric. Scott Pollard (33) is geriatric. Ben Wallace, however, is cryogenic. Not just Horry, but the whole Spurs roster is cryogenic, except geriatric Jacque Vaughan. You don’t have to be a 34-year-old All-Star to be cryogenic – you just can’t ball like Kevin Ollie. Right now, Deke is carrying the cryogenic torch – hard. By the end of his career, however, Sheed will be the cryogenic poster-boy.
$$$ Speaking of cryogenic athletes…so, Brett Favre is hanging it up, huh? Dude was 38 years old. That’s ancient, for an athlete. I like how his career ended, winning 13 games, having one of his best seasons and having fun, too – dude was slinging snowballs after touchdown passes in Lambeau during a playoff win. Joe Montana and Dan Marino didn’t go out like that. But he needed this last season as a fitting end, otherwise we’d remember the 2005-2006 Favre, the one that played like steamy, hot piles of dookie. It makes me think of Shaq; as in: I hope Shaq’s career can end like Favre’s. I don’t even really dance with Shaq too tough, but I respect the grandeur and impact of his career and it’s uncomfortable to watch the way his time is ending in the NBA. These past two seasons have been kind of jokish and they can definitely tarnish his legacy. I was part of the “Hang It Up Shaq, Before You Start Balling Like Mark Eaton” chorus, but now I want to see The Big Timberrrrrrr stop falling all the time, get healthy, drop 15 pounds and come back for one more strong season, then leave $20M on the table and ghost-out.
$$$ I love both the Dallas/Tyronn Lue and Boston/Sam-I-Am signings. Boston needs someone to play a solid 15 minutes of backup point-guard to spell Rondo and/or step in when the young boy is having problems. Have you seen Eddie House try to play point? It’s despicable. He, along with Damon Jones, should be playing in rec-leagues somewhere in Toledo, Ohio or something. Boston needed another point … bad. Now they have one. And, of course, Sam is the best kind of insurance in case Rondo tanks when it counts in May and, possibly/maybe/perhaps, June. You’re blind and naïve if you don’t, at the very least, wonder how Rondo is going to handle a tight Game 6 against Chauncey in Eastern Conference Finals. Sam was made for the postseason. This is a good look.
Lue is a slick pickup for Dallas, too. Kidd, in cryogenic splendor, has withered under the heat of these Western Youngsters. First Lil’ Chris smoked him; then Deron flambayed him. Enter Lue. He wasn’t exactly balling-out this year, but, during the previous two seasons, he averaged double-figure points, provided solid outside shooting and, most importantly, played some of the most annoyingly-pesky-perimeter defense in the league – which Dallas desperately needs.
And three cheers to Tyronn for not providing any help for the other squad that pursued him, Denver. I already detailed my disgust for the Nuggs last week and I (firmly) believe that if they make the playoffs it will prove the lack of natural justice in this world. T-Mac: It’s on you to see to it that Denver suffers just punishment. There’s No Room For Squares in the West.
$$$ A few weeks ago I wrote a column documenting the difference between Franchise Players and Max Contract Players, focusing on the innate, transformational qualities exhibited in players that deserve the “Franchise” tag. I had put Melo in the Jury’s Still Out category and AI with the Situational Franchise crew. But you know what? Scratch that. They are the antithesis of Franchise Players and epitomize everything about Max Contract Players. The lifeless, insular, lackadaisical, MTV Celebrity Game performances that Melo and AI continue to turn in happens to be the most disappointing play of any superstars not named Vince Carter. Carmelo Anthony actually basket-hangs, like he’s a high school junior in 5th period gym. AI will literally jog at shooters with his hands by his side. He also refuses to pressure the ball or even attempt to play point guard when called upon. It’s infuriating.
But, Mac? If Mac can carry this Rockets squad into the playoffs, might that be enough to get him a temporary Franchise tag? It just might.
$$$ I’m assuming that a good amount of SLAM readers double as Lost fans. I got hip to the show late – around 2004 – but have been hooked since. I think it’s the best non-HBO drama of my lifetime. Last year, Sam wrote this interesting piece comparing NBA players to Lost characters. On a angrier and more confused note, I think the East-West competitive gap is a disaster not unlike the Oceanic Flight 815 plane crash. It’s also mystifying, much like the “island.” The ill thing about Lost is all the mystic crap that they throw at you. When something can’t be explained or defies logic, the “island” is the answer/explanation. First John Locke is a crip, then he crashes with Oceanic Flight 815 and dude is walking, hiking and cappin’ folks. Jin’s boys couldn’t swim when he was trying to knock up his wife, Sun, in Korea, then he crashes with Oceanic Flight 815 and they conceive a child together. The “island” has those kind of positive, regenerative powers. But the “island” also kills pregnant mothers, houses a menacing black-smoke cloud and tropical, carnivorous polar bears. The only explanation for these things is “the island” and its mysticism.
Well, all this Lost mumble-jumble is germane to the NBA, because I’m struggling to find logical, empirical answers for why the West has been so good, for so long and the East has toggled between levels of mediocrity and where it’s at this season, which we can best describe as “an embarrassing depth of ineptitude and trashness.” Forget steroids. Forget Spygate. Forget Clemens. Forget Goodell. The United States Congress is wasting its time with that crap. This is what needs investigating, because the only way to come to terms with a competitive gap that will see seven to nine 50-win teams in the West and three or four sub-.500 squads in the Eastern Playoffs is to believe that there is some Lost-like mystical powers at work on this land and they reap differing fruits on each side of the Mississippi. West of the Mississippi, your boys can swim again. It’s where young talent blossoms, teams gel, GMs make sound decisions and coaches coach well – for no real, readily apparent reason. East of the Mississippi is where the pregnant mothers die and young teams never develop an identity, coaches are typically clueless, GMs make dumb decisions and teams underachieve as a trend – for no real, readily apparent reason.
The NBA has always been a top-heavy league where each conference has two to four serious contenders, a few middle-of-the-road squads and then scrub-cavalries. But whatever happened to power shifts? Conference jostling is fun. I know we’ve had two Eastern champs since 2004. That, however, doesn’t acurately reflect how sucky the East has been for 10 years and I’m sick of this “Charlotte Can Make The Playoffs at 20 Games Under .500″ trash. But look at Charlotte’s roster — they’re talented. This underscores the fact that there’s some mystic outside force that has kept an annoying imbalance of power in the NBA for about ten years now. If the Bobcats roster and management operated out of Kansas City, they’d be 15 games over .500, right now. Seriously. And, for the life of me, I can’t figure out why. Congress needs to get on this.
$$$ I’ll save a lot of this for my late-season MVP column, but the LeBron-Kobe debate is closer than ever. Kobe’s teammates no longer hate him and he trusts them now. Gone are the days when he plays like a hog on an island. Meanwhile LeBron became a 4th Quarter Closer. And have you seen the way he Ds-up these days? We’re basically dealing with two players that have, virtually, no flaws. So how can we determined who’s the best? I’ll let you know in April. Until then, just know that Kobe is still, hands-down, the best dude doing with a Spalding.
Vincent Thomas is a SLAM Online columnist and a SLAM Magazine contributor. You can reach him at vincethomas79@gmail.com.
40 Responses to “The Commish Memo”
Mar.4 at 5:19 pm
Captain America says:
Nice work Vincent, BTW watching J-Kidd flub another lay-up is priceless. Still a great floor general but the dead legs…oh my. Why is it that players like J-Kidd and Sam-I-Am can be so ill and injured but get instant healthy when bought out or traded? Oh, never mind.
Mar.5 at 1:21 pm
Sam Rubenstein says:
Nice Vince. Regarding the East-West thing, it’s not really a mystery like LOST… 99% of trades and free agents keep sending the better player West.
Mar.5 at 1:25 pm
Vincent Thomas says:
Well then why/how are GMs inherently more dumb East of the Mississippi?
Mar.5 at 1:33 pm
Myles Brown says:
The man has a point. And any fan of LOST has a fan in me. Nice idea Vince.
Mar.5 at 1:37 pm
Khalid Salaam says:
Didn’t know you were a Lost fan Vince. Welcome to the jungle…good column btw
Mar.5 at 2:30 pm
Eboy says:
Vince, continue the great work, my dude. I like The Memo format, too. The Lost fans coming together. Nice.
Mar.5 at 2:36 pm
Sko says:
but truth too, is that the lottery bounty in the east hasn’t quite paid off, outside of LeBron, Wade, and Dwight. I mean some of it has been poor choices, like Kwame, Darko, Adam Morrison, Andrew Bogut, Shelden Williams, but there are other cats like Bosh, and even Hinrich if you remember hype, and Ben Gordon, Marvin williams, Emeka haven’t really paid off
Mar.5 at 2:39 pm
TADOne says:
I’ve never watched Lost, but the East-West imbalance is quite disturbing. Hell, that deserves it own column and breakdown of drafts, free agent signings, and trades of the last 5 years or so. Great column, Vince.
Mar.5 at 2:50 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Is Lost a thing White People Like?
Mar.5 at 3:07 pm
T Money says:
Sko, Bosh is a bust? Pass the ‘dro…
Mar.5 at 3:27 pm
sizzle says:
yeah i dont know what your talking about but lebron still cant guard anyone that well
Mar.5 at 3:34 pm
Jake Appleman says:
I enjoy the word flambay…re: cryogenic, maybe Snow is actually cryogenic; he’s just, like Austin Powers, been pissing himself for the past 2 years…dude was a defensive stopper in the playoffs less than 3 years ago.
Mar.5 at 3:39 pm
Cub Buenning says:
VINCE, A franchise that has suffered through 3 decades of poor to piss-poor basketball with no finals appearances deserves the injustice of not making the playoffs?!?!
I am white and have never watched LOST.
Mar.5 at 5:13 pm
John E. Sanford says:
Great post as usual Vince. I gotta tell ya though, Robert Horry isn’t cryogenic, he is the poster boy for geriatric right now. Watch him play in the next few weeks and you’ll see what I’m talking about.
Mar.5 at 5:56 pm
what says:
I don’t know much about space travel, but I’d imagine Sam Cassell has to freeze himself to go back to his home planet in the offseason anyway.
Mar.5 at 5:57 pm
what says:
Also, speaking of shows Slam readers like, the Wire season finale has been leaked, it’s on pirate bay, for those who are interested.
Mar.5 at 6:10 pm
Cub Buenning says:
Vince, I did like your piece a lot, tho. Dig the Memo format. (is Okur getting residuals?)
IF the Nugs make the playoffs this year (still very possible) they will one of only THREE teams to have made the playoffs each of the last five years.
Not that it means much, but just a interesting tidbit. Last year at this time, the Nugs were 1 game below 50-0; this year 11 over.
Mar.5 at 6:11 pm
Myles Brown says:
What….WHAT?!
Mar.5 at 6:13 pm
Vince says:
Cub: The Nuggets suck in a contextual sense. Based on experience, talent and expectations, they are easily the worse team in the league. I’m never more bored watching a team top 100 points than when I watch the Nuggs. It’s despicable.
Mar.5 at 6:33 pm
what says:
I’m not joking, go to pirate bay and search wire finale and there’s a download. I saw it last night. Won’t spoil it for y’all obviously, but if you wanna see it you can. It certainly seems to be the real thing.
Mar.5 at 6:34 pm
what says:
It was also posted on rapgodfathers.com forums last night too.
Mar.5 at 6:42 pm
Myles Brown says:
Oh, I found it alright. Thanks a million dude. Sunday was SO far away.
Mar.5 at 7:45 pm
Bubba Chuck says:
i used 2 like u & ur column vince. that is until u started dissing tha nuggs. f*ck callin it tha commish y not just call it “hating on tha nuggs” y is it that when other teams coast till tha playoffs they aint hated on but tha nuggs r. YES we r goin 2 tha playoffs this year bcuz we would even if tmac didnt suck and YES we will play harder in tha playoffs so shut tha f*ck up!
Mar.5 at 7:54 pm
albie1kenobi says:
NBA: where No Balance Actions happens.
Mar.5 at 8:05 pm
its just alex says:
Great column. Last weeks episode of LOST was incredible. And what, you made my week with the Wire discovery. Thank you.
Mar.5 at 8:28 pm
Cub Buenning says:
Vince, not the Mavericks, who had the best record in the entire league last year, made the trade for Kidd and now are barely in a qualifying spot for the postseason? Nene has missed 50+, Chucky (who said this AM that he might go tonight but probably this weekend)the same. These two were to be the backbone of the AI/Melo tandem and they haven’t really played at all this season.
In past years, I have become more and more objective about this team (ie realistic), but all things considered, they could finish in the top half of the conference and then what???
This was about the time that EVERYONE was ready to write off the Giants just a few months ago, eh?
Please know that I am in now way making an idiotic prediction.
Truth: I can’t even stand to watch anymore, and missed maybe only a handful of games over the previous five years.
I love that fans like Bubba exist.
I am bored, too, Vince.
Mar.5 at 8:31 pm
Cub Buenning says:
I can’t hate on any of the teams in the top 10 of the West. All of the teams are capable of beating each other. No one in a favorite (even you Lakers)let’s see what happens.
I kinda also hate all the predicting right now of “bubble teams” and who is in and who is out of the NCAA tourney…..
Just let me know who makes it, i don’t need the build-up analysis.
I also hate power rankings.
Mar.5 at 8:44 pm
Bubba Chuck says:
thank u cub! (sorta)
Mar.5 at 10:19 pm
Cub Buenning says:
You’re passionate dude! You love your squad!
Mar.5 at 10:28 pm
RV says:
no yao doesnt meant he rockets won’t get in automatically, people forget it takes more than one team to shuffle/affect the seedings
Mar.6 at 12:02 am
Ben Osborne says:
Great work as always, Vince. Funny, I loved how Favre’s career ended, too: throwing a classic Favre pick right into Corey Webster’s hands to send the G-Men to the Super Bowl. Also, I think LeBron’s 50-10-8(?!?!) line tonight was meant to sway your forthcoming selection for MVP. And Ryan, based on the writer of the blog and the early responders to the Lost discussion, I think it’s actually a show black people like.
Mar.6 at 12:03 am
Ben Osborne says:
Also, that line about Melo and AI playing MTV Celebrity Game basketball was PHENOMENAL. Did you just make that up here? Love it.
Mar.6 at 12:46 am
DP says:
I like this dude. funny ass guy.
Mar.6 at 3:47 am
snyper48 says:
There is no way to love the NBA and not love Mount Mutombo I used to hate him because of that Sonics series, but as I grew older and wiser I realize that work ethic and passion can do wonders and too much talent(VINCE CARTER)can be wasted and make you a d*ck.
Mar.6 at 4:47 am
Tariq says:
1- I’m not a fan of Lost, but I have to admit that it takes cojones to name a character John Locke. 2- Brett Favre is great an all, but I’d like to watch a compilation DVD comprised of the “gunslinger” throwing ill-advised bombs into quadruple coverage. His decision-making annoyed me at times. 3- Melo and AI deserve your ire, but I like to think that Melo still has room to develop into a franchise player. Maybe when John Lithgow isn’t coaching anymore. As for AI, any player who has taken Aaron Mckie, George Lynch and Mork from “Mork and Mindy” to the Finals was most definitely, at one point in time, a Franchise Player.
Mar.6 at 11:56 am
overtime says:
so this is like a worse version of the links?o nd that franchise player thing is absolute bull. it really is, youve missed the point entirely, your one of these guys who doesnt understand why people play basketball
Mar.6 at 3:34 pm
jbn74sb says:
If it were true that Kobe used to be a ball hog, and now is not, it would follow that his assist numbers have gone up. Without looking it up, I can assure that this is not true. As I have pointed out many times, Kobe has led the league in assists for his position for years now. The idea of him being a ball hog has always been a myth, perpetuated by the overrated, overfed, overpaid, undermotivated, underperforming stinking pile of fat known as Shaq.
Mar.6 at 6:29 pm
Bubba Chuck says:
thanx cub. so vince did u watch tha game last nite? im pretty sure tha nuggs won…
Mar.7 at 1:58 pm
Vince says:
Come on Cub…what, my whole Nuggets premise is shattered by one win? You know better than that. My opinion hasn’t changed. In fact, I was on First Take today, asserting the same thing: that the Nuggs are the biggest bunch of underachievers in the league.
Mar.8 at 12:05 pm
Bubba Chuck says:
Actually vince now its 2 wins: Phoenix & San Antonio… PHOENIX AND SAN ANTONIO!!!