The Gardner Webb Butterfly Effect
Karmic payback is a bitch.
November 7, 2007: Gardner Webb defeats the University of Kentucky. Patrick Patterson has 12 points and 12 boards for the Wildcats in the loss.
Mid-November, 2003: I quit the Kenyon College basketball team. I can’t remember the exact date, and I doubt that the then Senior Editor of SLAM Magazine, Ryan Jones, has the email I sent him, commemorating the event by calling myself, “the poor man’s Keith Van Horn of Division III college basketball.”
December 11, 2004: Gardner Webb defeats Kenyon 92-61. I do not come out of retirement to suit up for the Lords.
April 17, 2007: Kentucky fans invade Slamonline, begging Patrick Patterson to play for their fabled school; in the process they stage an internet coup that places Slamonline under siege and in a state of emergency—a server isn’t nearly knocked down, but it is definitely bothered, and the holy waters of our basketball-loving website are muddied.
May 16, 2007: Ryan Jones, Slamonline soulja, supermans their hoedown (or not), calling our site’s invaders, “bed-wetting, life-lacking tools.”
What conclusions can we loosely draw from these events?
1) I am better at basketball than the University of Kentucky.
2) “Rednecks”–American stereotype, not my word–that invade our website without the purpose of reading about basketball will always get their comeuppance. The proof is in the Gardner Webb pudding; they get to come to NYC, home of Slamonline, while Kentucky is stays at home.
27 Responses to “The Gardner Webb Butterfly Effect”
Nov.8 at 1:25 pm
white hot eboy says:
Very, very clever, Jake. Slamonline soulja, Ryan Jones, like Sister Soulja of P.E. fame? Another great moment in SLAMOnline history.
Nov.8 at 1:28 pm
Ben Collins says:
When I saw the highlights, the Patrick Patterson ordeal was weirdly the first thing I thought of. So, yeah! Suck it, haters! The OTHER G-Dub 4evs.
Nov.8 at 1:44 pm
Steve O says:
Jake, I hope your sporting your purple and white proudly today. I also hope Jones writes a piece commemorating that loss.
Nov.8 at 1:44 pm
deestarbuckz says:
Karma is a bia…
Nov.8 at 1:46 pm
Jake Appleman says:
Good, call Steve O, today is a purple day.
Nov.8 at 1:46 pm
Jake says:
For some reason, all I can think of now is everyone at the slam offices…hearing the soulja boy song come on and then all of the sudden start hopping around the slamdome doing the dance in unison.Oh and I’m glad Kentucky got beat, their fans are douches
Nov.8 at 1:46 pm
Jake Appleman says:
Eboy, Sister Soulja? PE? I’m 24, not 37.
Nov.8 at 1:54 pm
white hot eboy says:
Sorry, Jake. I thought you might know your history.
Nov.8 at 1:54 pm
white hot eboy says:
Youngsters.
Nov.8 at 1:56 pm
Jake Appleman says:
Eboy, I took basic PE, not advanced PE.
Nov.8 at 1:58 pm
white hot eboy says:
Cute, Jake.
Nov.8 at 2:06 pm
Sam Rubenstein says:
Jake (not Appleman, the other one), as I was leaving yesterday a bunch of girls from RIDES and KING Magazine were doing the Soulja boy dance. I was very tempted to tell them the truth behind “Superman a ho”, but that could be seen as sexual harassment.
Nov.8 at 2:11 pm
white hot eboy says:
I bet they didn’t look as bad as Sheed did.
Nov.8 at 2:20 pm
its just alex says:
My roommates ran around singing the soulja boy song, until I told them what it meant. They thought I was disgusting for a week, but at least it put an end to the madness.
Nov.8 at 2:38 pm
Dark says:
Yeah, Soulja Boy lyrics were bad enough before Slam enlightened me with the symbolism. Had no idea it was that nasty.
Nov.8 at 3:24 pm
Cub Buenning says:
Gardner Webb is from a town 50 miles or so south of Boone, NC, home of a certain Appalachian State University.
Nov.8 at 3:25 pm
Cub Buenning says:
Advanced PE was the way to go, Jake. But then, again, your age.
Nov.8 at 3:45 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Yeah, eboy, I’m definitely much more like that Soulja Boy Tell Dat person. That’s me.
Nov.8 at 4:02 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Also: I like that I’m indirectly credited with helping Kentucky lose, but the vaguely ironic thing is that Pat seemed real cool when I interviewed him for a Big Punk last year, so I’m sort of rooting for him. Oh, well.
Nov.8 at 4:10 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Also: Thanks for giving me an excuse to go back and read that column, Jake. That was fun.
Nov.8 at 7:52 pm
Phil B says:
You went to school in Kenya? Sorry, I just always made fun of friend who went to Kenyon as well. Do you know a Flurry Stone? Anyways… coming home to see that score on ESPN was quite a downer after being at the home opener for the Blazers. Have the “Bring back Tubby” chants started yet? I still miss Tubby, but he couldn’t recruit to save his life.
Nov.8 at 7:55 pm
Jake Appleman says:
Do I know Flurry Stone? You mean, the legend Flurry Stone? Yes, we’re acquainted–you might even say we’re related.
Nov.8 at 8:03 pm
Phil B says:
OK, now you lost me. Also, I take offense with the comment saying all Kentucky fans are douches. I would like to go on record as saying that I don’t believe that I am a douche. Or my wife. Or her family. Or my friend Thigi. Every other Kentucky fan may very well be a douche.
Nov.8 at 8:13 pm
Jake Appleman says:
Ok, nevermind. I know your boy Flurry, though not too well. Leave it at that. And I doubt all UK fans are douches, too.
Nov.8 at 8:21 pm
Phil B says:
I’m glad we can agree about all UK fans not being douches. And I am more than fine with leaving the Flurry issue alone. Most people don’t like the game where you heard someone is vaguely from somewhere you know someone from so they must automatically know each other. I do.
Nov.8 at 8:36 pm
The infamous DP says:
Way to put those UK kitty fans in their place man! I knew Pat should have went to Florida but that is just me. “Poor man’s Keith Van Horn?” Wow………………..thats a big step. play wit it.
Nov.12 at 4:50 pm
Alper says:
Wow. Not only a reference to dear old alma mater, but we’ve got a Flurry reference? I haven’t thought about that kid in years…. good work Jake, good work.