Bourne to Preview the NBA
P.S. kids, don’t take HGH
Movie recommendation: The Bourne Ultimatum. If I mysteriously disappear one day, it’s because I have begun training to become a brainwashed assassin for the CIA. Just like Jason Bourne.
Last night I rode with the 4 horsemen of the appocalypse
1) Chipotle
2) Movie theater buttered popcorn
3) drankin’
4) NFL football
It was a fun night, but as soon as I finish this I’ve got to hit the gym hard. The CIA doesn’t take just any slob off the streets and bring them into the program. As for the football game, the Saints were pretty much disemboweled. Khalid Salaam, my arch-nemesis, has been telling everyone he sees that the only team standing in the way of the Super Bowl for the Eagles are those Saints, and he’s not even afraid of them. The results of the game last night must have put a smile on Khalid’s face. I hate that.
Deadspin should be… interesting today. Rick Ankiel is the anti-Jason Bourne. I don’t know what that means but it’s true.
And I have some surprising good news for all of us. Yesterday I thought hey maybe I should get going on asking people to contribute to the slamonline NBA Season Preview. It turns out we have more people working for/with us than I ever imagined. Twenty three of the thirty teams are spoken for.
Alright. To the gym!
58 Responses to “Bourne to Preview the NBA”
Sep.7 at 8:54 am
white hot eboy says:
Sam, the most heated, anticipated preview writer choice will have to be the for the Lakers. Does it go to the 24 loving staff writers, the new north of the border girl, the LA unpretty boy attorney or a split between parties? I am excited for this one the most.
Sep.7 at 8:58 am
H to the izzo says:
The Knicks season preview should be fun too
Sep.7 at 9:05 am
white hot eboy says:
Izzo, it would be, if the team mattered. Oh, Top O’ the mornin’! (from my part of the globe at least.)
Sep.7 at 9:15 am
H to the izzo says:
Ha-cha-chee-ha-cha-cha Eboy.Even when that team won’t matter they will matter.And whose doing the Heat preview?I’ll do it now:Old people=at least 40 wins nowadays
Sep.7 at 9:23 am
white hot eboy says:
If I had my druthers, the Heat preview actually has the makings of being entertaining. Between Shaq’s divorce and the fact they’ve done less than zero on the player front, there’s comedy waiting to be exploited. I guess we’ll have to wait and see who they get to do it.
Sep.7 at 9:34 am
Ben Osborne says:
Sam is one funny dude. I told Khalid yesterday my pick for the NFC Title and it sure wasn’t the Ain’ts. Or the stupid-ass Eagles. I think the Bears will be right back in the Super Bowl. As for Ankiel, he’s in the process of salvaging my fantasy team. Thankfully, our league doesn’t test for HGH. Lastly, I told Sam I’d be a team player and do whatever preview NO ONE else wants to do. Needless to say, the Lakers will not be my assignment.
Sep.7 at 9:38 am
H to the izzo says:
Have fun with the Timberwolves,Ben
Sep.7 at 9:45 am
white hot eboy says:
The Pacers will be a hard sell too.
Sep.7 at 10:14 am
Sam Rubenstein says:
I can give you some intentionally vague hints that shouldn’t be too hard to figure out, but don’t ruin the surprise.
The hardest working man in slamonline business shall receive the Lakers
Three former interns will dance the Texas three-step
The most local team will be put in the hands of an outsider who has never written here.
The Ankiel feel-good to scandal story arc is a new record time.
Sep.7 at 10:17 am
white hot eboy says:
Sam, Steph’s writing the Knicks preview? Off the motherfu*kin’ chain!
Sep.7 at 10:26 am
Chris O says:
If I cut and pasted every fifth word from 7 Knicks articles, it’d look like Steph wrote it. There should be a Stephon Marbury speech generator somewhere on the internets, if there isn’t one already.
Sep.7 at 10:26 am
H to the izzo says:
Who does Jason Bourne get?
Sep.7 at 10:27 am
Blue says:
Rockets Preview: Rafer Alston = Mad Max 2K
Sep.7 at 10:34 am
white hot eboy says:
Izzo, anyone he f*cking wants. Jason Bourne=bad motherfu*kin’ white boy/ Matt Damon= Pasty, slighty limp-wristed white boy. How does he do it?
Sep.7 at 10:36 am
H to the izzo says:
I believe its called acting,Eboy
Sep.7 at 10:39 am
white hot eboy says:
Halloween is coming in our country, Izzo. You can be incredibly successful at candy-hording wearing your Captain Obvious suit.
Sep.7 at 10:43 am
H to the izzo says:
Halloween is also coming in my country(amazing how that works out) and I’m guessing your costume will have the numbers twenty three and a Bulls jersey involved
Sep.7 at 10:49 am
SMK says:
whoever gets the Grizzlies preview better be mad nice to Darko, especially if he has a mother and/or daughter.
Sep.7 at 10:49 am
white hot eboy says:
It’s funny, if I had brown paint that acted as a proper cover-up, I might actually try it.
Sep.7 at 10:54 am
H to the izzo says:
A lot of money would have to be spent on head shine
Sep.7 at 10:57 am
white hot eboy says:
You said “head shine”. Rule!!!!
Sep.7 at 11:05 am
Russ Bengtson says:
I still want a Rick Ankiel jersey from his pitching days. It would complement my game-worn Mark Wohlers jersey quite well. WILD THINGS.
Sep.7 at 11:20 am
Khalid Salaam says:
Well i didn’t smile, it was more a smirk. The Saints don’t scare me though. They’ll be good but not good enough…And i’m just wondering. What does HGH do for writers? Someone should see if it makes you write faster or something? I’m serious.
Sep.7 at 11:33 am
Sam Rubenstein says:
Maybe it helps you recover from hand cramping faster. Or it gives you more of a psychotic edge.
Rick Ankiel’s wildness as a pitcher was a big part of the Mets winning the NLCS in 2000. When a starting pitcher gets yanked after like 20 pitches, it helps the other team. That’s called analysis.
Sep.7 at 11:42 am
Russ Bengtson says:
When a starting pitcher consistently throws the ball over the backstop, that’s called comedy.
Sep.7 at 11:52 am
Hisham says:
was it eboy who talked the heat organisation into retiring MJ’s number? cause if you did, eboy: that was SO stupid
Sep.7 at 12:05 pm
white hot eboy says:
Hi Hisham. Nothing like making your first post of the day a laugh-riot.
Sep.7 at 12:17 pm
H to the izzo says:
Dear eboy,
Shhh.
Love,
Izzo
Sep.7 at 12:19 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
Who wore 23 with the Heat before it got taken off the books? Anyone? I can’t find their all-time numbers list online.
Sep.7 at 12:21 pm
Hisham says:
thank you
Sep.7 at 12:25 pm
Myles Brown says:
I am not the hardest working man in slamonline business. I am disaappointed.
Sep.7 at 12:32 pm
white hot eboy says:
You didn’t show enough love, Myles. They also have Marino retired too. I know they had some sorry white guy that wore #23, not Alan Ogg…uhm….I’ll think of it.
Sep.7 at 12:36 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
Harold Miner wore 32 and 4, I know that. And Mash was 24, right?
Sep.7 at 12:43 pm
white hot eboy says:
Ty Corbin, Gary Grant, John Morton & Rex Walters (sorry whitey). 23, all.
Sep.7 at 1:06 pm
Hisham says:
haha John Mormon
Sep.7 at 1:07 pm
Hisham says:
and wasn’t tyrone corbin the cross-eyed guy who played for the hawks in the late 90’s? that guy had the funniest player picture in nba live 98
Sep.7 at 1:08 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
Quite the distinguished list. I assume Gary Grant is the one who still tries to convince girls that the number got retired for him.
Sep.7 at 1:09 pm
Lang Whitaker says:
Russ, I was once at a Braves game when Wohlers entered from the bullpen, took to the mound and threw his first warm-up pitch about 20 feet over the catcher’s head into the net. Awesome.
Sep.7 at 1:15 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
Pitchers who lose all semblance of control are the best. It would be like if I turned in a story that read like this: Rfcbndjscgsdh hdjkecgfed, fbj.dcgwd.cgd. ndfjwfghlcwel!!!! Um, not to say I haven’t.
Sep.7 at 1:42 pm
jay says:
let mutoni write for the Lakers preview, or Khalid, unless he wants to write for philly. or myles,even Holly.anyone but Lang.
Sep.7 at 1:48 pm
jay says:
& Ryan, but the hardest worker part takes care of tht.
Sep.7 at 1:49 pm
white hot eboy says:
It’s Mutoni, jay. And stick around long enough and write some good content on the boards,and the guys might pick you to write a preview in the future. It’s happened before with the commentors, so stay sharp.
Sep.7 at 2:23 pm
Holly MacKenzie says:
Jay: I hope that “even Holly” comment in your post is referring to my being one of the newest additions to the site rather than an assumption of my knowledge about the Lakers or any other NBA team. If so, its all good and I would be happy writing any preview that comes my way. ok.. I feel better now.
Sep.7 at 2:27 pm
white hot eboy says:
Holly, getting snappy. Nice. Barely a week in and feeling territorial. Jay is a female Laker fan, BTW.
Sep.7 at 2:30 pm
Holly MacKenzie says:
ahah thanks eboy. I wasn’t feeling backed into a corner because I am a woman, it was more of a lets set this straight from the get go type deal. I am new here, but I will be doing whatever is asked of me. If anyone has a problem with that, well, thats their problem isn’t it?
Sep.7 at 2:35 pm
Holly MacKenzie says:
But Jay, I do appreciate wanting the Lakers to get some love. Its a daily fight here in Canada where it is either the Raps or Nash’s boys.
Sep.7 at 2:36 pm
white hot eboy says:
Holly is a rough neck. Damn. You could be Jason’s sister, Holly Bourne, an ass-kickin’, comment slashing Canadian or kind of like the female Wolverine.
Sep.7 at 2:44 pm
mutoni says:
holly will fight (and break) you!
Sep.7 at 2:50 pm
jay says:
holly i just wanted to read a piece that would get me going for the upcoming season, after all that has already happened in the offseason and god knows wht is awaiting to happen. it wasnt meant to question your knowledge or anything like tht at all.i thought anyone but lang & ryan comment made tht clear, but i guess not lol.
Sep.7 at 3:01 pm
Holly MacKenzie says:
gotcha Jay. Guess I was just a little fired up after eating my wheaties for breakfast! ahahhaah. It HAS been the offseason from the twilight zone though hasn’t it? What can we expect, its Hollywood!
Sep.7 at 3:06 pm
white hot eboy says:
Holly, probably 42-46 wins, a possible first round exit again, and Phil taking his cowboy boots back to Montana at the end of the season. That was kind of easy. Sam, you can save this one.
Sep.7 at 3:11 pm
Holly MacKenzie says:
yeah.. I don’t think I have yet recovered from hearing Magic say we had KG then realizing we never really had anything, besides Kwame Brown hanging out in Indiana and a Jermaine O’neal that I don’t really want hanging around in LA. I’m excited to see Fish back, but thats the nostalgia coming out.
Sep.7 at 3:14 pm
Sam Rubenstein says:
Holly will be just fine. Her assignment is going to be one of the elite teams in the league. Which is not the Lakers of course.
Since I mentioned HGH in this post, congrats to Troy Glaus for getting busted, which is being reported in my fantasy league player update area but nowhere else for some reason. Let me just say that I have assumed in conversation, throwing out wild accusations that Glaus is dirty. I feel that way about the whole ‘02 Angels team. When your assumptions keep on coming true, the word “alleged” doesn’t seem to be necessary anymore.
Okay, this was a fun 4 day week. Have a good weekend everyone!
Sep.7 at 3:20 pm
white hot eboy says:
The Clippers?
Sep.7 at 3:21 pm
white hot eboy says:
Or the Cliffers, for Sam’s amusement.
Sep.7 at 3:22 pm
jay says:
eboy i am refraining myself for making a “those boots are made for coaching” comment. Sam thinks he`s funny with the elite teams comment. hahaha NO.
Sep.7 at 3:48 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
I’m officially scared of Holly.
Sep.7 at 5:25 pm
Tarzan Cooper says:
i really hope lang writes the hawks preview, because it will be full of hopefullness and optimism and lots of hey we might make the playoffs talk. while they might not this year, they have a great team going forward. i watched acie law IV a lot in college(big 12) and he is going to be great, he is a big point that can run a team, great leader, and clutch is an understatement.