Gilbert Arenas: ‘No Such Thing As Shark Attacks’
Gil’s latest blog post is outstanding. As always, the entry defies logic and explanation, so I’m just going to quote him word for word:
There are these things called shark attacks, but there is no such thing as a shark attack. I have never seen a real shark attack. I know you’re making a weird face as you’re reading this. OK people, a shark attack is not what we see on TV and what people portray it as.
We’re humans. We live on land.
Sharks live in water.
So if you’re swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that’s called trespassing. That is called trespassing. That is not a shark attack. A shark attack is if you’re chilling at home, sitting on your couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now that’s a shark attack. Now, if you’re chilling in the water, that is called invasion of space. So I have never heard of a shark attack.
When I see on the news where it’s like, “There have been 10 shark attacks,” I’m like, “Hey, for real?! They’re just running around? Sharks are walking now, huh! We live on the land, we don’t live underwater.”
Riiiight. Whatever you say, Gil. Just don’t ever stop being entertaining. And crazy.
In the same post, Arenas drops some wisdom on how tough home life can be for NBA players:
When you’re dealing with a wife, a girlfriend, a fiancée, your biggest problems are going to be the simplest problems. You’re going to be on the road for six-seven days a week sometimes and you’re eating room service, you’re eating out every night while she’s on the other hand staying home, eating home cooking. So when you come into town, she’s going to want to go out, go to the movies, go hang out, go eat dinner and you’re going to want to stay home. That’s where you guys will clash.
So, he’s wise AND completely nuts. Love it.
(Thanks to the good folks at NBA.com for hooking SLAM Online up with a link.)
53 Responses to “Gilbert Arenas: ‘No Such Thing As Shark Attacks’”
Aug.1 at 5:59 pm
Lucci says:
first?
Aug.1 at 6:00 pm
H to the izzo says:
You are forgiven Max.Gil nicley fills the void the Steph left
Aug.1 at 6:01 pm
Max Airington says:
Gil stole that shark attack bit from Diddy’s Bad Boys of Comedy. It was hilarious though. And Im sorry for watching anything associated with Diddy…
Aug.1 at 6:19 pm
Marty McFly says:
thats far from a new theory. i thought everybody kinda agreed on that. if someone is invades your house and you murk them then its not an attack. if youre in a sharks space and hes hungry then tough break aquaman.
Aug.1 at 6:25 pm
Vitor says:
Man, Hibachi never disappoints. People should arrange for a Q&A between him and Marbury so we could have a battle for “most insane player-blogger”.
Aug.1 at 6:34 pm
Zoran says:
Happy wife, happy life.
Aug.1 at 6:48 pm
Jukai says:
Haha I love Gilbert, but I don’t get the whole shark thing. I mean, if– OH MY GOD THERE’S A SHARK IN MY HOUSE HEL
Aug.1 at 6:54 pm
pablo says:
Geez man, Gilber´s got game!
Aug.1 at 7:08 pm
Stu says:
hmm, the crazy thing is that he actually makes perfect sense to me!(Should I be concerned) The Steph v Gil battle would be awesome but I’d be more interested in Gil v Etan, the debate! Crazy vs Crazy Analytical. I’d back Gil! The Wizards locker room must be a riot!!
Aug.1 at 7:31 pm
Reggie Evans says:
I need to talk KG. Who cares if this is an Arenas post? What kills me most about the KG trade is that Minnesota got more for KG from the Celtics than the Lakers got for Shaq from the Heat! I hate Lakers management! Play with this statement I have just made.
Aug.1 at 7:36 pm
jbn74sb says:
Gil obviously doesn’t surf, despite his SoCal roots.
Aug.1 at 7:59 pm
Starchild says:
I feel the same way, Gil. I too have to deal with a wife, girlfriend, and fiancee’
Aug.1 at 7:59 pm
rj says:
Gil jus gets it
Aug.1 at 8:22 pm
Dennard says:
Reg, you are right. How is Mitch “Cupcheck” Kupchak still the GM?
Aug.1 at 8:24 pm
niQ says:
lol those adidas pilrahna’s must be getting to him.lol
Aug.1 at 9:02 pm
Mo Charlo says:
The Sternbot could appease the NBA nation by making every shoot-first point god write a blog. All the time. Including Isaiah.
Aug.1 at 9:03 pm
Mo Charlo says:
By the way, Mutoni, I was having a really bad day until I read this. You the man. How do I apply to work for SLAM? I don’t even care about getting paid.
Aug.1 at 9:11 pm
dpoet says:
Gilbert stole that whole shark attack thing from a stand-up comic who uses it in his act. Funny as hell though….. and so true….
Aug.1 at 9:12 pm
Kevin Wilson says:
I assume Gil meant “a wife, a girlfriend OR a fiancee.” But it is Gil.
Aug.1 at 9:12 pm
BETCATS says:
gil needs to lay off the cheetos
Aug.1 at 9:14 pm
bootlace says:
Why havent we gotten any coverage on “Diddy’s Assistant” thing on youtube, theres some classic comedy there.
Aug.1 at 9:43 pm
its just alex says:
if anyone is deserving of their own reality show…it is gilbert.
Aug.1 at 10:35 pm
deepspace5 says:
a wife, a girlfriend AND a fiancee?
yeah i can see how that causes problems.
yo Gil, play on playa!
Aug.1 at 10:48 pm
FLUXLAND says:
and that comic stole it from SNL.
Aug.1 at 10:50 pm
Dean says:
i understand the shark attack bit. Gil is wise.
Aug.1 at 10:50 pm
solid snake says:
i love gil!!! lmao
Aug.1 at 10:52 pm
SA says:
Wow…
Aug.1 at 10:57 pm
bootlace says:
Max, nice blog man. Couldnt post a comment for some reason, but if you thought baseball was hard to watch without actually being there or a couple of beers in you - try cricket!
Aug.1 at 11:00 pm
Rubens says:
“The World Most Famous” Arenas is the only guy that can replac e Shaq as the most entertaining
guy in the L. Am I right? Or just crazy?
Aug.1 at 11:20 pm
Franco says:
Well, Gil is right. There aren’t any such things as shark attacks. Sharks don’t attack unless the human is panicing and provoking. Sharks are on the brink of extinction due to the lack of concern their species had to endure. They have been on the earth before humans, and have balanced the population of various species in the ocean for millions of years. SAVE THE SHARKS! SAVE THEM! Check out a documentary called SHARK WATER
Aug.1 at 11:58 pm
nick says:
A wife, fiancee, AND a girlfriend? Did someone give Shawn Kemp a blog?
Aug.2 at 2:15 am
RIC WILSON says:
GET A LIFE. WHAT ABSOLUTE RUBBISH.
Aug.2 at 2:20 am
diogo says:
Gilbert is by far the most entertaining and most easily player relate on the NBA.
Aug.2 at 2:21 am
diogo says:
to relate*. oh, and sorry for stating the obvious.
Aug.2 at 3:35 am
German Reignman says:
When Gil says “When you’re dealing with a wife, a girlfriend, a fiancée” …. does he mean at the same time ?
Aug.2 at 4:18 am
Gilbertology says:
Shark attacks do happen. I saw a shark walk straight up to Gilbert and kick him square in the face.
Aug.2 at 8:11 am
Gerard Himself says:
Reggie: what will you do with your website now? Seems a bit ridiculous to leave it like that.
Aug.2 at 8:15 am
Ryan Jones says:
Gilbert Arenas is the smartest man in the universe.
Aug.2 at 8:23 am
Gilbert0 says:
didnt the lakers get caron and lamar plus someone else plus a pick for shaq? that isnt too bad. trading caron for kwame brown though…
Aug.2 at 10:10 am
SLAM ONLINE | » Gilbert Stole the Shark Attack Joke says:
[…] Yesterday, we brought you Gil’s interesting ’shark attack’ theory, and wouldn’t you know it, the theory wasn’t his. Nope, it belongs instead to Ian Edwards of The Bad Boys of Comedy fame. Come on, Gil, you’re better than that. (Thanks to Gilbertology for the find.) var staf_confirmtext = ‘Mail sent’ #stafBlock { position: absolute !important; z-index: 100000; display: none; width: 200px; } #stafForm { background-color:#f60; border: 2px solid #000; padding: 5px; margin:0; } #stafForm h2 { margin:0 0 4px;color:#fff;font-size:12px !important;} #stafForm input,label, h2 {font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10px; color: #222222; } #stafForm .input_text { width: 90px;margin-bottom: 5px;padding:2px; } #stafForm label { float: left; display: block; width: 75px; line-height: 16px; } #stafForm .input_submit {color:#fff;padding:0 5px;} #stafClose { float: right; margin-right: 5px; } x […]
Aug.2 at 11:23 am
bakers' dozen (12-13) says:
Obviously Agent-0 never saw the SNL skit about the land shark.
Aug.2 at 11:26 am
Allenp says:
Did anybody read Gilbert’s blog entry about writers and fans telling athletes to “just shut up and play?” That was a really, really good entry. He made a lot of good points.
Aug.2 at 11:30 am
Max Airington says:
Thanks boot.
Aug.2 at 11:40 am
anthony says:
I once dated a woman who went to Arizona and tutored Hibachi and Luke Walton and others on the team and she said that he’s always been crazy. I don’t care if he did ape that comedy bit. He’s nuts. He’s fun. You might not be able to build around someone as nutty as him, but I wish there were more players like him.
Aug.2 at 12:22 pm
Reggie Evans says:
Gerard - How’s this?
Aug.2 at 1:02 pm
Gerard Himself says:
bahahahaha! Nevermind
Aug.2 at 1:29 pm
Brendan says:
i think the real problem Gil is not focusing on is that he has a girlfriend, a fiancee AND a wife. That’s just two too many ladies, Agent Big Love Zero
Aug.2 at 1:59 pm
Matt Sergent says:
Gilbert for president.
Aug.2 at 4:13 pm
Jordi Scrubbings says:
Sometimes it takes three of y’all to satisfy a man. And it ain’t bigomy until you marry that second girl.
Aug.2 at 6:23 pm
mr. 1738 says:
sharks live in the water wow you learn something everyday
Aug.2 at 11:48 pm
john says:
gilbert got 3 chicks. player
Aug.3 at 12:42 pm
SLAM ONLINE | » Gilbert Arenas: ‘I Steal Jokes…So What?’ says:
[…] Check out his response to the mild criticism he’s received over the last few days because of the ’shark attack’ joke he stole from comedian Ian Edwards: Yeah, you’ve all been talking about it. I used someone else’s joke. What’s the big deal? I thought it was funny, I blogged it, you all laughed. Mission accomplished. Listen, nobody even heard of Ian Edwards before me. He’s no Chris Rock. I helped him become famous. Now everybody is going to YouTube and looking him up. The joke was worth about $7 when I heard it, now that I’ve used it’s probably worth a little bit more. I’ll sell it back to him for $7.78. Seventy-eight cents, Ian, you can put that in a royalties check made out to me. […]
Aug.4 at 5:44 pm
tom says:
The shark attack bit is hilarious. Its also not from the mind of Gilbert Arenas so stop giving him credit for it. It belongs to Ian Edwards, so tell him how funny he is and tell Gil to come up with his own jokes. Thief.