The SLAMazing Race
Competition. It drives a man to ruthlessness.
One of the emerging trends of this new era of sports coverage is that athletes write their own blogs. You can read all you want from your favorite writer, who can claim that he knows what is going on in the head of someone like Gilbert Arenas. But the only one that can really tell you that is Gilbert himself (sometimes). So, in these days of elite athletes writing about their own games which they play in, this is mine.
On Friday, we had our SLAM edit and art dep’t summer BBQ out at the Osborne compound. Whoever writes in greater detail about the BBQ, you better do A REALLY GOOD JOB so the readers will request it every week, and then we’ll be forced to leave work early every Friday for a BBQ. But back to my story of athletic conquest.
Several months ago I was talking to SLAM Editorial Assistant Konate Primus about how my sole value to the office softball team is speed. We got into a semi-heated chat about which one of us runs faster. I tried to place myself into the scrappy underdog role, because people tend to think that black skin=fast runner and white skin=no chance against a runner with black skin. Not always the case, but one thing about stereotypes is that you can use them to fool people. There was never an opportunity to determine the truth until this past Friday, when we measured off a track that was really too long for a sprint but we did it anyway.
Konate smiled and wished me good luck with a handshake. That was like saying to me “Oh mighty king of the jungle, I am fresh meat and you have not yet feasted today.” He never had a chance.
As I soared past him out of the starting blocks, my only concern was running out of gas before the finish line. Don’t look back, don’t hear the screaming fans, just take care of business and I can sleep when I die. The race ended, and Konate’s body lay there in flames, scorched by the vapor trail of my wake. These NBA talking heads like Tim Legler who babble on about how “Kevin Durant is a competitor who will compete for 48 minutes because he loves to compete and be competitive when he competes and he hates to lose” do not get it. Competition is crushing your enemies skulls underneath your blood stained boots.
SLAM’s creative director Melissa Brennan shot a video of this event. We’ll try to put it up on the website at some point, though all you will see is Konate running with a pained look on his face behind a ghost he will never catch.
You may have noticed that it is summer time and the NBA has closed shop. This is why I write about such topics as an insider event at a BBQ. Michael Tillery came through with seemingly hundreds of exclusive NBA interviews last week, gave us some great original content and the Detroit Free Press took notice. That’s called “journalism.” Thank you Michael.
So… summer it is. Mutoni will have the news/rumors as you should be accustomed to by now, and there’s other things going on, so look forward to it all. Saw The Simpsons movie on Saturday night, and it was the best. Simpsons movie. Ever. Also, it was the worst. Simpsons movie. Ever. I laughed many times, and though it was not a masterpiece and delved too far into some sappy plot lines, I enjoyed it more often than I did not. I won’t use Omar’s gangsta scale out of respect, but I would give it 3.5 of whatever you give a movie. I laughed out loud at the little robotic bomb disabler joke.
Spider Pig! Spider Pig!!! dada da da dadada SPIDER PIG!!! I can’t begin to tell you how many times I sang that out loud yesterday.
Alright, hope someone else has a more thorough BBQ recap. If Konate tries to say anything about one of us jumping the starting gun, then he should be treated like a rogue, isolated criminal for lying. I’m stepping out of my villain character now: Konate, that was a great race and I was truly honored to run with you. You can be my wingman anytime.
(See that’s called being classy and either you are born with it or you are not. But there’s nothing less classy than to say that you are classy. Oh well. It’s hot out there.)
53 Responses to “The SLAMazing Race”
Jul.30 at 9:43 am
white hot eboy says:
Sam, where still waiting on the Watcher’s take of the Transformers? Congrats on the raceA but more importantly, what kind of shoes was Konate wearing?
Jul.30 at 9:47 am
AJ$ says:
“Crush your enemies skulls underneath your blood stained boots”
Cracked me up.
O & 1st!
Jul.30 at 9:50 am
Ryan Jones says:
“scorched by the vapor trail of my wake.” Greatest. Sentence. Ever. Even if I don’t think it makes meteorological sense.
Also, Jake Appleman owes me $5 because he was stupid enough to bet against Sam in that race. Sucker.
Jul.30 at 9:51 am
Ryan Jones says:
Also, regarding Tillery’s crack reporting in Vegas last week, I like how that FreeP article was compiled by “FREE PRESS STAFF AND NEWS SERVICES.” That’s newspaper code for “We had an unpaid intern cut and paste this from your website.” Dummies.
Jul.30 at 9:56 am
H to the izzo says:
Did Konate bet against himself and altar the outcome of the race?
Jul.30 at 10:04 am
Rasheedionics says:
Sam, I don’t know if you got a headstart or not. But like in that episode of Seinfeld, I don’t think you should ever run again no matter what they throw at you and let the myth grow!
Jul.30 at 10:14 am
Max Airington says:
It’s in my black man contract to never bet against my people in a footrace, but I would have supported you in my heart Sam. Konate, we’re gonna have to take your pigment for at least a couple of months. Its in the bylaws….
Jul.30 at 10:28 am
Ben Collins says:
For what it’s worth, I bet on Konate for his fencing acumen. I probably should have taken Ryan’s, “fencing is not a sport” comment more seriously. I now have much lesser respect for Zorro.
Jul.30 at 10:39 am
Sam Rubenstein says:
Ha. I didn’t want to mention the gambling cause the feds seem to get sensitive about that kind of thing. There was a competition and money changed hands, but that is all I know.
Jul.30 at 10:40 am
Jake Appleman says:
Konate is going to wear shoes next time, Sam.
Jul.30 at 11:05 am
Tom says:
love the top gun reference, that made my day.
Jul.30 at 11:13 am
Russ Bengtson says:
Next time you guys should fence.
Jul.30 at 11:22 am
Madtice says:
Can’t you guys make a competition out of this? Like doing all these runs against each other, play-off style. I suggest a best-of-3 for every race. I loved this article, even though it’s really telling when journalists become the news themselves. I would’ve bet none made the finish line, by the way…
Jul.30 at 11:22 am
Ryan Jones says:
Ben Collins, it was nice to meet you. And I have mad respect for fencing.
And Sam, just so it’s clear, not all money that was supposed to change hands did. I AM TALKING TO YOU APPLEMAN.
Jul.30 at 11:24 am
Ryan Jones says:
Great idea —maybe we should race guys from other magazines. And then we can play basketball against them too!
Jul.30 at 11:29 am
Ben Collins says:
Nice to meet you too, Ryan. But your kid is like 115X cooler than you.
Jul.30 at 11:29 am
H to the izzo says:
SLAM VS DIME in an epic fight to the death
Jul.30 at 11:30 am
Max Airington says:
It is a good idea Captain Sarcasm. You were just scared. Still are…
Jul.30 at 11:36 am
H to the izzo says:
I think Admiral Sarcasm would be more appropriate for Ryan
Jul.30 at 11:40 am
Max Airington says:
King? Emperor? Intergalactic Commander? The man has clout in the smart ass community…
Jul.30 at 11:40 am
white hot eboy says:
Izzo, I always pictured Ryan as more of a Corporal Co*ksu*ker!
Jul.30 at 11:43 am
Khalid Salaam says:
I told you guys about stereotypes….
Jul.30 at 12:04 pm
Jake Appleman says:
“Daddy won’t play with me.” - Ethan Jones
Jul.30 at 12:35 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Jake, what my son actually said was, “I’m upset because my daddy won’t play with me.” You should’ve seen the beating he got on the car ride home.*
Jul.30 at 12:36 pm
Ryan Jones says:
* = joke.
Jul.30 at 12:36 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Also, I prefer “Der Komissar.”
Jul.30 at 12:46 pm
Jake Appleman says:
I remember him saying “Daddy won’t play with me” first and then detailing why that made him upset, which is the part you caught. “Dadddy won’t play with me” was his topic sentence. You were not playing with him at the time.
Jul.30 at 12:48 pm
Jake Appleman says:
But Aunt Susan was taking care of him, so it was all good.
Jul.30 at 12:54 pm
Lang Whitaker says:
I’d like to point out that as soon as this race was scheduled, I immediately told everyone to put their money on Sam. Ryan listened. Collins and Appleman did not and had to pay up.
Jul.30 at 1:06 pm
Ryan Jones says:
I’d like to point out that I bet on Sam because Konate was wearing jeans and boots, and because Sam seemed very determined, not because Lang told me to.
Jul.30 at 1:20 pm
H to the izzo says:
Was there karaoke involved in this BBQ?If so,thats a tape that I need to see.
Jul.30 at 1:25 pm
white hot eboy says:
Jeans and boots to a barbecue? Was it a barbecue or a hoedown?
Jul.30 at 1:30 pm
H to the izzo says:
I’m assuming they weren’t the type of jeans or boots that you’re thinking of Eboy
Jul.30 at 1:31 pm
Ryan Jones says:
How is it that a guy in Ireland understands how people in Brooklyn dress better than a guy from Miami? Nobody said “cowboy” boots, eboy, and I don’t believe Konate was wearing Wranglers, either.
Jul.30 at 1:35 pm
white hot eboy says:
The master of sarcasm didn’t catch mine. You miss one day of work and that’s what happens, huh? Izzo, I’m glad the jolly Irishman questioned it. Izzo, you need a raise!
Jul.30 at 1:41 pm
H to the izzo says:
A raise from what I earn now would be fantastic.Damn summer jobs.Eboy I’m also drunk right now,I’ve just gotten out of a fight with a guy I don’t know while singing “danny boy”.I think I’ll sit down to my dinner of potatoes now and bomb London after.
Jul.30 at 1:48 pm
white hot eboy says:
Sterotypes RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jul.30 at 2:24 pm
Konate says:
Its funny not one person mentioned I had on Boots and jeans. But at the same time it was my idea to race so I will take the L for this one Sam. Oh and he started ahead of me but that had nothing to do with the outcome. Good race, Sam i expect a rematch!
Jul.30 at 2:54 pm
white hot eboy says:
Konate, check the first post. I asked about your shoes real early in the game.
Jul.30 at 3:05 pm
Ron says:
Konate, demand a rematch and this time run like a Kenyan. Barefoot with skimpy shorts.
Jul.30 at 3:41 pm
Sam Rubenstein says:
There won’t be a rematch until we hear back about the HBO special and promotional tour. Konate was wearing boots and jeans, and I told him that he could use that to say it really does matter what type of shoes/clothes you wear when competing. I like to say it’s the man not the shoe, but I guess we’ll never know.
Jul.30 at 3:54 pm
Madtice says:
Becoming a champ is easy, Sam, but staying a champ is what really matters… Konate, I’d say hype this up and do pull a Durant with some shoe companies…
Jul.30 at 3:58 pm
Cheryl says:
So… when does the season start?
Jul.30 at 8:14 pm
jbn74sb says:
Wait - Isn’t Brooklyn hotter than sh-t in the summer time? If so, Konate’s got only himself (and apparently a low IQ) for wearing jeans and boots in summer weather…
Jul.30 at 9:39 pm
bootlace says:
White Men can Run
Jul.30 at 9:41 pm
bootlace says:
Starring Sam Rubenstein and Dick Bevetta
Jul.31 at 4:11 am
German Reignman says:
Konate wore the boots probably only to say “This is why its hot” ….. Shout out to “Der Komissar”, Mr. Jones is now officially the international man of mystery … like dp says: Spiel damit!
Jul.31 at 4:35 am
Konate says:
I was wearing boots because it was suppose to rain that day… and it matched my shirt.
Jul.31 at 8:01 am
Ryan Jones says:
The boots did match the shirt. And it did rain that day. We don’t hire low IQ types, Bodie.
Jul.31 at 8:58 am
Sam Rubenstein says:
Oh by the way, did I forget to mention that when my brother was in high school back in the late 80’s, he ran track and wore the crown of “Fastest white man in Manhattan.” He raced against James Jett once - who you may remember as one of those Raiders WRs that Al Davis signed because he was a track star that could run like a 3.9 40. Speed is in our blood. Hmmmm… I guess that means we should be baseball players. HELLO!
Jul.31 at 12:57 pm
Drew says:
Other great spider pig moments:
- when everyone at Moes went into church and everyone in church went into moes
- He filled that in two days? I helped.
Jul.31 at 5:24 pm
jbn74sb says:
Jose Canseco said he could run a 3.9 40 as well.
Aug.1 at 12:06 pm
SLAM ONLINE | » Links: The SLAMazing Race Video says:
[…] Sam wrote the other day about the race he and Konate engaged in at the SLAM BBQ. Now, I’m proud to present video evidence, as filmed by our creative director Melissa Brennan. Konate is on your left, Sam is on your right and I’m serving as the finish line. Let the debate continue… […]