by Ben Collins

So much pre-game stuff to touch on here and here. But why be so damn talkative? We’re here.

First Quarter:

- The wrong tall, blonde foreigner is taking over. Biedrins hits two seizure-iffic free throws and a loud dunk to open it up for the Warriors.

- The Mavs are down by six and a quick timeout from AJ. Avery better be saying: “You guys realize that this is it, right?” and doing his best Bobby Knight impression.

- This Mavericks team looks afraid of this crowd. Dirk just passed out of a single-team post up situation over Richardson. Nice, Dirk. Real aggressive.

- Another Jackson three. San Antonio didn’t match his contract a couple of years ago for just under the midlevel exception because they, well, didn’t much feel like it. Between him and Matt Barnes, this is the most talented, best armed cast of misfits since Wu Tang.

- Howard dribbled it off his thigh like he was trembling. The fans can’t run on the court, guys. Settle.

- Stackhouse is the only guy with a cool head and he hits a corner three.

- Another Jackson three and Golden State is on-pace for a 42-point quarter. And I would not think of putting it past them.

- Dallas has figured out that if you calmly shoot your three, this is a very beatable zone. Howard hits a three, 17-12; Dallas’ points are solely comprised of four threes.

- Biedrins gets another block. BENNYWAAAAALLACE!

- Stack has four threes from the same spot in the corner. I think he figured something out that no on else has: when there’s a hole on defense, Nellie won’t fix it.

- Baron Davis tweaked his hammy, so here comes Monta Ellis. That’s probably the best downgrade in the NBA.

- Another Howard three. Six threes, zero twos. It’s a slowed-down penetrate-and-dish and it will work.

- It’s so yellow! When TNT pans out, it looks like Blind Melon music video.

- I was just wondering why this broadcast seemed so much more… listenable? And it dawned on me: NO REGGIE! HALLELUJAH! Steve Kerr will spin me a sweet, sweet basketball lullaby into the wee hours of the night.

- Golden State Warriors fans wanted to boo for missing three straight defensive rebounds, but then they realized that they are Golden State Warriors fans. It’s like a really noisy AA meeting.

- Matt Barnes Game 6… shades of Matt Barnes Game 5! Noisy dunk.

- How does Sarunas Jasikevicius get to go on the court and talk to officials from the bench like that? Shouldn’t he be working on his horrendous midrange jumpshot?

- Joey Crawford would spontaneously combust working this series.

- Jerry Stackhouse whipped out the 25-year-old knees tonight. Four-of-five, all from three, to start the game and giving Dallas a mini-Heimlich.

- WHO HITS TWO 60-FOOTERS IN A SERIES? Even if one doesn’t count, I think this team practices in a pew.

- It’s so loud, I have no idea who actually has momentum right now. 28-25 Golden State at the end of one.

Second Quarter:

- Nice play by Devean George, who streaked down the floor to play his man and got a block after he saw Howard lose his man.

- WILLIS REED! Baron Davis is back from probably an equally debilitating injury. This guy is pretty money.

- Stephen Jackson must be hurt because he’s crying. What does that do to his cred? Does this mean he has to chop off his pinky now?

- Can I get Marv Albert saying “I ain’t trippin’” as my ringtone? Is that in any way humanly possible?

- Three minutes of no Dirk and the Mavs take the lead, 31-29. Oh, this MVP discussion next week is going to be no fun.

- How can refs call a basket good instead of a three-seconds call five minutes after the fact? Better question: can I pick up the feed that goes from David Stern to the refs’ earpieces on my police scanner?

- Never should Diop and Nowitzki be in the game and a combination of Pietrus and Jackson tip in a rebound. But it happened. 33-31 Golden State.

- The pace is so slow right now and Dallas isn’t taking advantage. But Golden State can’t take advantage at this pace, so that should be the difference.

- Welcome to Oakland, CA: The Home of the Deafening Second Quarter Bullshit Chant.

- Dirk can’t even hold onto a rebound over smaller defenders. Talk about useless so far.

- Jerry Stackhouse is currently the best player on the Dallas Mavericks. If I’m Avery Johnson, I try not to think of the reality of situation (because it would make me burst into tears and find the nearest sharp object) and give him the damn ball.

- There’s another stepback, contested Baron Davis three straight out of NBA Live 2007 on Rookie mode.

- Josh Howard’s game is perfect for this series if he just uses it correctly. A guy who will follow his own floaters is good for 50 every game when he’s aggressive.

- Dirk keeps shooting fallaways with the paint wide open. AllenP said he was Charmin soft the other day. At this point, I think he’s bathing in Downy.

- Speaking of worst playoff performances by MVPs ever, Dirk is now 0-for-8 after two missed threes. But it’s still 44-44. Somebody needs to punch this kid at halftime and tell him that contact in the paint isn’t that bad.

- All this Cuban talk has me longing for him to blog about basketball again. Because this would’ve been a fun night.

- Davis just shot right over Dirk and nailed it from inside the arc. Put in Croshere if it’s going to be this bad. At least he’ll dead-leg some guys in the paint.

- Baron Davis has hit shots that has me wondering if he has superpowers. After that botched-drawn-foul-three-point-heave that went in at the end of the half to give the Warriors the lead, I’m honestly beginning to wonder where the kryptonite is. He’s hit, what, six impossible shots so far? Aren’t they impossible for a reason?

Halftime:

- Reason #7432 to love Warrior fans: they boo autoerotic halftime shows. “The Bay Area is PC” my ass!

- Reason #7433: Snoop Dogg. Just… Snoop Dogg.

Second Half:

- Matt Barnes called out of bounds. Warriors fans begin to stir to decide whether or not to boo, but decide that they can’t argue this call because there’s a line there.

- Good strategy by Dallas going right at Baron “Gimpy” Davis.

- DeSagana Diop has played the whole game. If you’re in the Metroplex, now would be the time to vomit.

- Dirty move by Devin Harris, who has all of the confidence in the world going at Davis. Avery was probably hoping he’d get Davis into foul trouble because of the quicker step, but he’ll have to settle for easy buckets.

- Jason Richardson three and Stephen Jackson three. They… had… this… whole… sentence… to… set… up… and… shoot… that… shot… 62-54… Golden State.

- Has Dirk Nowitzki switched onto Stephen Jackson yet? No? OK.

- Wow, that Dirk “This season is pretty much over” quote from before Game 4 is quite the find from TNT. He’s sucked on pretty much every level this series. I wouldn’t even let him babysit the kids I don’t have that week. He’d leave the door under the sink open or something.

- Even if Dirk is on the cover of SLAM 109, SLAM 108 looks great with that J-Ho feature in it. Another three for Howard, or whatever Sam is calling J-Ho now.

- Apparently the answer to, “Has Dirk Nowitzki switched onto Stephen Jackson yet?” is no. That might be a wrap for these Dallas Mavericks halfway through the third quarter after another Jackson 3. He might drop 50 tonight on open jumpers alone.

- Here’s Austin Croshere. But he’s not coming in for Dirk Nowitzki, who deserves to be out of this game. He’s played some embarrassingly bad basketball. Never in my life have I seen a player go from a superstar to a truly bad, Brian Scalabrine-impression basketball player in a week.

- Dirk can’t even catch the ball anymore. We are now witnessing the downfall of a human being all together. Hey, when does he find out that he did it with his mother and gauges his eyes out? I hope Chuck breaks that down for us.

- Wait, scuffle. Croshere was clearly going for the ball and Baron Davis randomly fought him there. I’m not even sure Croshere got body on that foul. At least big whitey is playing like he gives half a damn. Dallas needs some sort of fire.

- Dirk leaves. Nevermind re: fire.

- 13-0 Golden State run, 75-57 after Baron Davis and Stephen Jackson free throws. This Golden State team has the swagger of a championship team. You just never know this postseason. It’s like hockey or something. Whatever that is.

- I feel the need to remind you again. The team that is about to win this series won 42 games before this series started. The Mavericks won 67. Just letting you know.

- Dallas is passing the ball around the perimeter on offense and never penetrating. How can you not know what you’re doing wrong at this point?

- Dirk re-enters literally a minute later. Dallas needs to cut this to 14 or 12 at the end of the third to even have a chance.

- Finally, Hack-a-Biedrins! AJ’S BEEN READING MY COLUMNS! Sorry about “On Collapsing.” I was, uh, sleepy at the time. Love your work, really.

- Well, that didn’t work. Biedrins makes both to give Golden State a 21 point lead and they take Biedrins out immediately. I’m a hack, Avery. Don’t listen to me.

- Matt Barnes posterizes Nowitzki. Eighteen straight for the Warriors and Dallas’ season is pretty much officially over.

- Simple question: Will Dirk just grow a set?

- Harris can’t even hit a free throw. But he can’t hit a three. Man did Dallas need that. 82-63.

- Devean George misses a three, 86-63 to end the third. Golden State had a 36-15 third quarter. Since this one is pretty much in the bag, let’s look forward a little bit for Golden State and see why they can run all the way to the Finals:

Next series, Golden State plays Utah or Houston. Utah plays three big forwards at all times and won’t be able to catch up. They’re better coached (as this series proves, by far), so they may be able to slow it down, but I wouldn’t be going out on a limb if I said Golden State has better talent. They beat Utah.

Houston is old and plays Juwan Howard extensive minutes. Good luck. Warriors in five.

Then Phoenix or San Antonio. If Dallas is too old, San Antonio is too-older. Maybe Duncan, Ginobili and Parker have the smarts to go to the rim, but they’re still beatable. The only team that Golden State doesn’t have a chance against is the Suns, but Phoenix has so much trouble with San Antonio that the Warriors will probably never step foot in Arizona.

Fourth Quarter:

- Mo Ager is in the game right now. Fresh legs or horrible time for punishment? You decide.

- Snoop Dogg is lovin’ Mickael Pietrus.

- Matt Barnes just tripped over the corpse of Dallas’ season and the ball was thrown out of bounds. Warriors fans sip fine wine and laugh joyously at their own turnover.

- That Stephen Jackson three-point play will officially seal it: the “best team in the league” can’t even make it seven games against a niche team. Congrats. 94-71.

- What’s that smell? It’s coming from Donnie Nelson’s kitchen. I’m wafting… is that… yes, it smells a little like Nowitzki-for-Garnett to me.

- That flagrant foul on Matt Barnes may be the only way Dallas can get back into this 94-73 game.

- Nope.

- The Warriors are getting every loose ball and every offensive rebound that’s up in the air. It was momentum at one point, but I think Dallas just gave up.

- That Richardson dunk-steal-three sequence is the best basketball you’ll ever see. He looks like that superstar he was supposed to be.

- Weird-small-Cajun-man voice or not, I would not have a voice left if I was Avery Johnson right now.

- That “Talented Guys for Character (read: White) Guys” trade is looking like the trade of the decade. It not only saved Mully’s job, but made him look like a genius GM. But then you remember he gave Dunleavy and Murphy those awful contracts to begin with and you become alarmingly lucid.

- I’d list a play here, but I’ll just make up a sequence and it will look realistic: Dirk Nowitzki turnover, Jason Richardson fallaway three. Wait, that actually happened.

- Dirk taken out of the game with 3:41 left. I cannot wait until press conferences.

- From that overhead view above the basket, Austin Croshere looked exactly like Shawn Bradley. Then Jason Richardson came into the frame and dunked on him. Uncanny!

- Nellie and Baron embrace like the two guys in a mad science lab who just cured lymphoma.

- This is the day where you wonder if the Mavericks’ team charter has a blockade between Mark Cuban’s seat and the cockpit. If not, they should get working on that.

- We will finish at 111-83. Cuban will finish with a bottle of Jack and whatever’s left of that bottle of Xanax. I’m sticking around for press conferences. All Mavericks fans should be Warriors fans now. They were outhustled, outcoached and outplayed. Tip your hat, folks. We have some Innovators.

Press Conferences:

- Baron Davis: “A lot of people say bad things about Stephen Jackson, but no one gives him credit for being a good basketball player.” With conviction! Plus-one B-Diddy!
- Stephen Jackson: first he cries, now he’s intentionally running away from skirmishes? What, is he gonna sell his glock now?
- “Dallas packed it in.” Got it! Chuck has been hitting the nail right on the head lately. He should consider construction.

- Avery should probably not be this chirpy right now.

- “We played a little bit over our heads.” No, you didn’t. You essentially had the same exact team as the one that was a win and a quarter away from being NBA Champions. Don’t give me that, Avery. It doesn’t work tonight. The Dallas Mavericks embarrassed an entire part of Texas and no one on your team seems to understand that yet.

- At least Dirk is sympathetic: “I feel bad for our fans at home.” He looks like he’s on the brink of tears.

- There’s something disgusting about this series and there’s something beautiful about this series. We’ll talk about it tomorrow just to make sure I’m not dreaming it all up.