Eva Longoria Is Shutting Down Tony Parker
She won’t let him get to the hole.
If you were to ask Tony Parker which opponent he’s had the toughest time scoring against in his career, he won’t name the Pistons or Bulls, he’d probably say Eva Longoria. Not only does Wifey not want him to have a bachelor party before their wedding this summer, now she won’t even have sex with him before the big day.
Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria has imposed a ‘no-sex’ policy on her fiance Tony Parker until the couple exchange vows in July. The actress implemented the ban to help basketball star Tony reach the NBA play-offs with the San Antonio Spurs.
She told US chat show host Jimmy Kimmel: “Luckily, we’re getting married after the play-offs and then we need to consummate the marriage. I scheduled it that way.”
I’ve heard of soccer players abstaining from sex before the World Cup (and other big matches), but this is the first time I hear of a basketball player being denied entry into the post by a female. Anyhow, if you see Tony Parker penetrating with a little more fervor this postseason, you’ll know why.
45 Responses to “Eva Longoria Is Shutting Down Tony Parker”
May.9 at 4:14 pm
jbn74sb says:
Perhaps Tony can sneak in through the back door.
May.9 at 4:19 pm
mutoni says:
brilliant!
May.9 at 4:26 pm
jbn74sb says:
Perhaps it would have been better to write “Hopefully Tony has been working on his backdoor cuts to the hole.”
May.9 at 4:26 pm
ALX8725 says:
LOL @ “sneak through the back door”!! Shouldn’t be a bad thing for players to be all wound up? Taking ill-advised shots in a rush because they have too much energy in them… I’ll be watching to see if Tony commits any flagrants.
May.9 at 4:28 pm
mutoni says:
we all have regrets, jbn74sb
May.9 at 4:29 pm
Sam Rubenstein says:
Please God let someone ask Popovich about this after a game. Every self-respecting NBA groupie (okay that might be an oxymoron) in Texas will be clawing at each other to get to Tony. Eva, you are crazy.
May.9 at 4:35 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
Wow. Trash talking in that series must be INTENSE.
May.9 at 4:44 pm
Cheryl says:
–what is the REAL benefit for athletes sexual abstinence? Will it truly affect Tony? I happen to think Eva’s full of sh*t and looking for publicity, which when Tony gets a little older is probably gonna get on his damn nerves, but anyway–tell a Sista the facts.
So, tell me something fellas, and keep it as clean as possible
May.9 at 4:48 pm
mutoni says:
when i played high school ball, i liked to have sex at halftime with one of the cheerleaders. it helped me stay focused in the second half.
May.9 at 4:49 pm
Esco says:
Oh my God…these comments are the funniest things i’ve heard for the day!!! I love this website!!!!!! Poor Tony…We frenchmen love our lovemaking, poor guy, must be hard (uhmm, ok, not the right term in this situation)! Maybe this was what him, Boris and Ronny were talking about before the game…
May.9 at 4:51 pm
Esco says:
Mutoni, ça se voit que tu es 100% Français…quoi Mutoni n’est pas un nom français…bizarre, bizarre…Where can I find the new mag in Paris? Can anyone help??
May.9 at 4:52 pm
Esco says:
oops, quoique*
May.9 at 4:52 pm
Reggie Evans says:
Cheryl, as a result of abstaining from intercourse Tony’s sperm count will remain high, which leads directly to more accuracy on mid-range jump shots. Which leads me to the question: is he allowed to “create his own shot” which would defeat the whole purpose of abstinence?
May.9 at 4:54 pm
jbn74sb says:
Look at Eva pulling out the zone defense to prevent Tony’s penetration. Had he ever really developed an outside shot, it would have forced her to extend the zone, thereby opening up the lanes to the hole so he could make his move deliver a facial.
May.9 at 4:56 pm
jbn74sb says:
My job must be pretty boring if the highlight of my day has been testing whatever content editing is at work here.
May.9 at 4:58 pm
mutoni says:
je ne suis pas français, mais je parle la langue.
May.9 at 4:58 pm
Cheryl says:
Reggie: tears in my eyes! You guys are gonna get me fired!
May.9 at 5:04 pm
Esco says:
Ah! ça explique tout alors…au moins je ne suis pas le seul francophone…now, I NEEEEEED to get this mag and all the others after…Tomorrow I am going Slam hunting in Paris…Wish me luck!
May.9 at 5:12 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Clearly, Tony needs to employ the Princeton offense in this situation. It’d be cool if he called Pete Carrill into the bedroom to coach him. Actually, I think I have that movie on DVD…
May.9 at 5:28 pm
Dblizzy! says:
That’s a good idea Ryan, that offense forces you to swing the ball around until you find an opening. And there’s plenty of backdoor action as well.
May.9 at 5:46 pm
tedturner says:
i reccommend that tony try the technique known as “the midnight stealth”. it might work for him as long as he hums the mission impossible theme song
May.9 at 6:42 pm
LeBron_Nike_fan says:
Wow thats harsh…. if they get knocked out u will now y the reason is…. blue balls
May.9 at 6:55 pm
Dennard says:
LMAO at the title of the post….
May.9 at 7:50 pm
jay n says:
If Tony can’t drive through the lane to the hole he should just take her to the post and bang one on her forehead.It’s satisfying and still highlight worthy.
May.9 at 9:00 pm
Bryant Reeves says:
what is the over/under for facial jokes?
May.9 at 10:05 pm
Dennard says:
3 for the over/under facial jokes, and I am taking the over.
May.9 at 11:49 pm
RedRum says:
ok chaps… cut the crap.. Tony just needs to DUNK!
May.10 at 12:44 am
dj says:
for some reason, i doubt he’s complaning at all.
i sure as hell wouldn’t. hes marrying eva freaking longoria.
May.10 at 2:14 am
Froggiestyle says:
Eva might not let him take it to the hole, but like her man, she’s known for her excellent ball handling. Tony’s in good hands - sans parler de cette bouche de rêve… aie aie aiiiiiiie
May.10 at 2:53 am
Nothin_personal says:
Perhaps Vince’s wife should implemend this rule to him, this way he might get fewer cramps during the strech!
May.10 at 3:10 am
Reno says:
Sometimes, often, you boys disrespect women. You ever hear of Che? And countless other ‘warriors’ who never spilt seed while in battle in order to keep their strength at peek? And this whole pun on ‘hole’ is for ten year olds. I resent your commentary and the specious headline. Grow the f up.
May.10 at 9:39 am
Boing Dynasty says:
Reno’s clearly getting the Tony Parker treatment aswell.
May.10 at 9:42 am
Boing Dynasty says:
Frankly i would be disappionted if a story like this came out, and SLAM didnt have a post involving “hole” and/or “facial” and/or “backdoor” jokes.
May.10 at 12:59 pm
mutoni says:
reno, i want to offer you a cigarette.
May.10 at 2:45 pm
Darksaber says:
Ok this ho is overdoing it. Not enough that she uses her show and every outlet to get on my nerves with her “fame”, now that dwarf is using the Nba (once again, and again, and again) to push that whole wedding crap down my throat? What is wrong with zee Parkér? You are THAT whipped? No hole for the french pole huh? Aww shucks, guess the extra energy is why Matrix took you out of your game 2 nights ago.. Eva, shut the hole in your face already.
May.10 at 2:47 pm
Darksaber says:
and Jay N? GREAT line. Merci beaucoup, indeed.
May.10 at 3:18 pm
Tom Jackson says:
Mutoni, wtf did you go to hs?! I’m going to send my unborn son there. Hell, I might try to become a coach there.
May.10 at 3:40 pm
dez says:
These are by far the funniest comments I’ve ever read on this site.
May.10 at 4:03 pm
Dennard says:
@Darksaber - “No hole for the French pole.” LMAO
May.10 at 8:13 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
Tony should dump her live on TNT at halftime of the next game.
May.11 at 2:14 pm
AreYouShaved says:
That’s because Eva Longoria is nothing but a TEASE!!!
May.12 at 7:00 am
Gabz says:
Well I was talkin to Eva and she said she did it so that he would focus on basketball and nuffin else…then Tony was askin me to try and get her to change her mind but she wouldn’t
May.24 at 3:04 pm
Mad Skillz says:
Dang … why is abstinence a bad word? I got busy back in the day and vowed to wait the next time … and she’d be my wife. I applaud Tony and Eva … at least some folks believe in waiting these days. For the record: I have been married 5 years and the sex is still fresh and exciting. I am glad I waited - 10 years after losing my virginity - until I got married …
May.25 at 11:59 pm
mutoni says:
um, that’s great, mad skillz. happy for ya, bud.
Jul.17 at 11:07 am
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