Movie Review: GRINDHOUSE
Omar on Deathproof, Planet Terror, and everything in between.
By Omar Mazariego
A few days ago I was speaking with my man Khalid about Grindhouse. He asked me the premise of the movie and I explained the plots for Planet Terror and Death Proof. He shrugged as he always does when he can care less about the information he’s given and said “It’s a Quentin Tarantino movie, right?” That said, I knew that was $10 that was going to stay in Kha’s pockets. See, Kha’s whole thing is he doesn’t like movies that defy the laws of physics unless it’s a movie like The Ring or Sin City. The whole “Shorty with a machine gun for a leg” thing didn’t sit too well with Kha’s take on realism. That’s my brotha though, and I respect the square he stands on.
My take on realism is that 95 percent of it is fake. Smoke and mirrors. A masquerade. Humma stuntin’. Frontiando. Snake oil if you will. So when it comes to the magical world of cinema, I have no problem believing that a shorty can have a machine gun for a leg (Really, most body parts on a woman can be considered a deadly weapon anyways) Especially if that shorty is Rose “The Home Wrecker” McGowan.
By now everyone should know that Grindhouse pays homage to the 70’s style of cinema. A double feature jumpoff that is compiled of grainy cinematography, missing movie reels, deliciously bad dialogue (good bad, not Michael Jackson bad) a horde of beautiful and sexy women and over exaggerated blood and guts scenes. What more can a moviegoer ask for? What you want? Content? Go watch Casablanca, girly man! Grindhouse is for us dudes that never got a manicure!
Grindhouse really took it back with the fake movie trailers with the cliché story lines in which the narrator would say “They f*cked with the wrong Mexican!” in “Machete” or a scene which showed a cheerleader on a trampoline land on a knife with her um, private part. Oddly enough that trailer was for “Thanksgiving”. That movie would so be a winner if it was really made.
Now for the feature presentations: Planet Terror. What do you do when you’re stuck in a small town that’s infested with flesh eating zombies that like to pop their puss pimples on you? I don’t know, but Fergie surely didn’t have an answer either. Those zombies found out just how Fregalicious her boobs really were. This feature starred Home Wrecker McGowan as Cherry. A stripper who sheds tears whenever she realizes that the only way she’ll get any work in the movie business is by doing the wild monkey dance with directors and producers. Co-starring is Freddy Rodriguez as Wray, a legendary gunslinger or something (film reel was missing) who’s in love with Palomita (Home Wrecker’s nickname) and who can handle a butterfly knife and jump off of walls like nobody’s business (Must be a Mexican trait nowadays. “I want to live in Amerrica!”) The blood, gore, action and genius script made this one of the most well-made horror flicks since Demons. And really, watching Freddy do his thing with Rose using a wooden chair leg for a leg was priceless.
After that jumpoff and a few more fake movie trailers it was time for the second feature, Quentin Tarantino’s Death Proof. In the spirit of resurrecting careers of past pop culture icons in his feature films (John Travolta in Pulp Fiction; Pam Grier in Jackie Brown; David Carradine in Kill Bill – well, that didn’t really resurrect anything, but you get my drift) Quentin cast Kurt Russell to star as Stuntman Mike in the high-octane thriller. When the hot to death radio DJ Jungle Julia (Sydney Poitier) and her crew of refeer addict homegirls go out for a night on the town the last thing they expect is to have a run in (literally) with Snake Plissken himself! After Julia, her crew, and even Homewrecker McGowan (she was in this joint too with more tears) find out just how death proof Mike’s car is, Mike is already scheming on his next crew of girls to torture which consisted of stars Rosario Dawson, Tracie Thoms, Elizabeth Winstead and stuntwoman Zoe Bell. Thing is, these aren’t the Facts of Life girls. They’re more like the girls from the Prison Heat movies. Needless to say, he felt their wrath like Don Imus is about to feel from his “nappy-headed” nuisances in this muthaf–a. (I hope the Rutgers girls jump his ass in that closed door meeting.)
Man, when it’s all said and done, this movie is 5 Hardcore Gangstas!
The movie had it all. Action, comedy, sexy women, blood, gore, nudity, sarcasm and more importantly, a dude rocking a shirt with a nametag that said “Omar” on it in Death Proof. (Quentin, holla at me, man!! Let’s get this paper!) the movie was a modern day classic. Straight up and down. The hood can’t be wrong, man. Even my man Matt Barone wanted me to give it 10 Gangstas, and he’s a tough cookie when it comes to movies. But maybe I’m bugging. Most “seasoned” critics slammed this movie based on the lack of content, dialogue or whatever the hell else they felt it was missing. Come on! Do we go to the movies to get entertained or to find meaning in our lives? If you’re looking for the latter of the two then take your ass to a Broadway show and shut your mouth you metrosexuals. This joint is hands down the best jumpoff flick of the last two years. And it helped me remember a couple of things.
1. Rose McGowan can get it with a wooden leg, machine gun leg, however and wherever.
2. I still can’t stand Rosario Dawson (Sorry, Kha). Looks like a dude with that wig piece.
3. Robert Rodriguez stole my idea. I used to really carry around a jar with my enemies testicles in them. Then I realized that people considered that more gay than threatening. Hence, I stopped my collection at 13 (one of my ex-rivals had three nuts)
And 4. It’s good to see there’s still some directors out there that could care less about an Oscar and embrace an MTV award just as easily. And for that I salute filmmakers such as Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino. Y’all got the Ghetto Pass for life!
54 Responses to “Movie Review: GRINDHOUSE”
Apr.12 at 1:13 pm
Ryan Jones says:
“Rose McGowan can get it with a wooden leg.” Yes, I suppose she can. But for the record, O, you’d better apologize to Ben, too. Rosie’s his girl.
Apr.12 at 1:28 pm
Max Airington says:
Rosario Dawson IS fly. Have I actually agreed with Khalid on something? O, where does this flick rank in the Tarantino list? I’ve seen it twice already and I still cant place it. It’s #3 at the worst, but I’m thinking that it could be as high as #2. It’s still no Pulp.
Apr.12 at 1:32 pm
Khalid Salaam says:
Dude you are nuts. I’ll catch grindhouse on hbo or showtime,whatever. Right now i’m saving all my pennies so i can be 1st in line to ressurect my childhoods as Spider-man. On the fence about Transformers though. As a kind that was my joint (GI Joe too, which i think as a live movie could be hot. They could make it about oil or something) but how are they gonna make it work in live action? Plus Tyrese is in it and i promised myself i would never go to another tyrese movie after i saw baby boy (the 2nd worst movie ever). We’ll see though, if O says Transformers is hot then i’ll check it out.
Apr.12 at 1:33 pm
Khalid Salaam says:
Yeah max we agree. Rosario dawson runs this mf…
Apr.12 at 1:38 pm
Max Airington says:
Word. And how did String not get a Gangsta?! Snoop is that, um, dude, but she’s gotta go.
Apr.12 at 1:40 pm
Sam Rubenstein says:
Khalid gave me the exact same speech he gave Omar about realism.
By the way Omar, the number 3 thing about Rodriguez stealing your idea… interesting.
Rose McGowan should have won an oscar for Scream.
Apr.12 at 1:45 pm
Omar says:
Man, honestly, i’d put Death Proof at like #4 on the QT list. You have Pulp at #1. Res. Dogs at #2. Kill Bill #3 and then Death Proof. And Kha, you tripping. Rosario is hella overrated. Them eye balls about to pop out her dome piece. And yeah, anything Tyrese is in is hella suspect. And come on, you gonna save pennies to see Spiderman? Youse a balla. You Crystal Balling with your Matrix phone. Hey Ryan, how’s country life treating you? Wearing them overalls on some ol’ Huckleberry Finn status?
Apr.12 at 1:56 pm
Stringer Bell says:
yeah, where’s my gangsta shot? i held the City down when Avon was locked up… p.s. Rosario’s a bird!
Apr.12 at 1:59 pm
Khalid Salaam says:
can’t believe you hatin on rosario. wait til ben reads this, he’ll explain her hotness better than me. and yeah i still can’t accept that tyrese got a part in transformers. wonder what he did to get that role. actaully i don’t wanna know.
Apr.12 at 2:07 pm
Max Airington says:
http://www.wwtdd.com/post.phtml?pk=966
Apr.12 at 2:25 pm
nic says:
duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude. “one of my ex-rivals had three nuts.” classic O.
Apr.12 at 2:33 pm
akimana says:
Rosario only looked good when she was on top of Jesus. (i’m goin to hell) As for mcgowan, this movie proved what i always say, she looks good sometimes and very average at other points. She was bangin in planet terror but very plain in death proof.
Apr.12 at 2:54 pm
Ro says:
Planet Terror deserves 5 ganstas. Deathproof, I would only give 2… Rosario I love you!
Apr.12 at 3:01 pm
Slick Nick Da Ruler says:
Omar, doesn’t Zoe Bell get a gangsta for her stunt on the dodge challenger. Hands down the illest, realest stunt of all time! Puro respect
Apr.12 at 3:05 pm
Ro says:
By the way,
Stringer is a desk jockey…Snoop is in the streets…therefore she is more gangsta!
Apr.12 at 3:12 pm
Sam Rubenstein says:
Also SPOILER ALERT FOR NON WIRE VIEWERS… Stringer is deceased.
Apr.12 at 3:22 pm
Shiz says:
Can’t comment as I haven’t seen the movie, but a chick with an assualt rifle for a leg?? And then she uses the mini grenade launcher to spring board like 20 feet into the air without blowing her other foot off???! Nah, son, thats just rediculous.. Thats not entertainment..So, praise goes to Peg-Leg Jane, but Rosario cant get no love?! O! Holla at me wit that good green!! Im feelin some type of way right now…A lil more than aggy, but not quite heated…Snake Plisskin is the truth, but nothin’s better than Sidney Poitier…Him and Bill Cosby had shit on lock…
Apr.12 at 3:34 pm
Omar says:
Zoe Bell kept it real, but that Australian accent kills me. And Man, I don’t care what y’all say, Rosario is WHACK! Always changing her hair color and styles. Straight corny. Death Proof was poppin’! The dialogue was so dope. Action wise it was kool. When that first group of girls caught the wrath of Snake Plisskin, that scene was off the yaozah!
Apr.12 at 3:44 pm
Shiz says:
Whatever, Rosario got the supreme D.S.L.’s.
Apr.12 at 3:48 pm
Shiz says:
Now you want a broad that look like a dude see Hilary Swank..That bitch look like Clint Eastwood (Post Dirty Harry)fa real fa real
Apr.12 at 4:11 pm
Mike says:
At least Rosario isn’t a nappy headed ho.
Apr.12 at 4:58 pm
Ron says:
Mike the nappy headed hoes don’t get movie roles, they are video vixens. Hi Melyssa Ford.
Apr.12 at 5:19 pm
Ryan Jones says:
I’m good O, thanks for asking. Nothing new here, just working, hanging out with the fam, f*cking some sheep. You know, the usual…
And Shiz, on a serious note, I’m not saying your girl Swank isn’t flawed, but did you see last month’s Esquire? You can’t say she doesn’t have some attributes worth appreciating.
Apr.12 at 5:41 pm
Max Airington says:
Speaking of men, how’s ya boy Maggie? Cant front though, saw WTC last week and she had that je ne sais quais about her. There was something, just cant put my finger on it. Could have been her adam’s apple.
Apr.12 at 5:42 pm
Max Airington says:
quois, forgive my french.
Apr.12 at 5:58 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Careful, Max. I know where you blog.
Apr.12 at 6:01 pm
Max Airington says:
People read that?
Apr.12 at 6:20 pm
Ben Osborne says:
O, great review. Thanks for putting it down for us. The Rosario hate is absurd though. Her “work” in 25th Hour alone warrants respect from everyone. I always liked how she looked, but I can even add that when I interviewed her for Lang’s wifey’s mag (Tu Vida) last fall I was hella impressed with her personality/intelligence/overall vibe. And that was a phoner!
Apr.12 at 6:26 pm
what says:
All your gangstas are from the wire?
Apr.12 at 8:59 pm
Marty McF1y says:
rosario is a bad lady and youre crazy if you disagree. youse a funny dude O (lmao at the testicles in a jar comment) but youre wildin for to reasons. youre hate for ms dawson is unwarranted and why the fuck aint stringer bell a gangster?
Apr.12 at 10:34 pm
truce says:
stringer ain’t no gangsta cuz he forgot what he was doing. Trying to play politics and shit.
Apr.13 at 8:45 am
Ryan Jones says:
“People” is plural, Max. I may in fact be the only one.
Apr.13 at 11:37 am
Boing Dynasty says:
Truce, you cant be serious. String had the balls to have his main man’s little bruh X’ed out, and then he started smashin his baby’s moms. Snoops look like a WNBA player, brother bow-tie way more gangster than him. Wee-bay is gangster just for the fact that he lived in what closly resembled a storage locker, but had a shit load of fish tanks.(someone needs to get thier prioritys straight.)
Apr.13 at 5:16 pm
Omar says:
Stringer bitched up, plain and simple. And for the record, I was thee first dude to say Rosario Dawson was hot when she made her film debut in Kids. I loved her. Then she started playing the chickenhead roles and acting like one in real life. I ain’t gonna blow up her spot and say what i know, but she played herself that girl on American Idol that always has a different hair due every week, Sanjaya. Sounds like instant juice powder or something.
Apr.14 at 12:01 am
Shiz says:
Lol… Juice powder.
Apr.14 at 1:00 am
Max Airington says:
How did he bitch up?
Apr.14 at 1:49 am
Drolfe says:
I fell in love with her when she was dancing on the roof with Dante in Clerks II. Lousy Dante…
Apr.14 at 7:08 am
Boing Dynasty says:
O ye, i forgot String did kind of snitch on Avon, Rosario was ill, when she was gettin smashed by telly in Kids, and when she played that money grubing, crumb snatching, hoe who snaked Jesus Shuttlesworth, yo know you remember her tittys on the beach. I do.
1
Apr.14 at 5:46 pm
Omar says:
Boing, you trippin! Telly ain’t smash her in Kids. She ain’t smash at all in that movie. And Max, remember how he bitched up when Omar and that Muslim cat cornered him in that building? And yes, Rosario does have some off the yaozah knockers, but she’s a cornball. I can’t believe Grindhouse only grossed 11 million btw. That’s just wrong. That’s why movies like The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Rumor Has It and Ice Cube family movies keep getting made. We need to support manly movies, people!!
Apr.15 at 4:31 am
Max says:
Good review O..only thing is that those previews weren’t fake..The Machete is definitely coming out, directed by Robert Rodriguez..
Apr.15 at 8:42 pm
Max Airington says:
O, he got ambushed by two contract killers without any heat. When the time came he took his medicine like a man.
Apr.16 at 5:01 am
Tariq says:
First off, I have to agree with Omar…Rosario Dawson is definitely overrated. I would argue that Jessica Alba is far more aesthetically pleasing, but that’s too easy. Instead I’ll give you an underdog that has Ms. Dawson beat: Meagan Good. But I have to disagree about Stringer; he made being gangsta empirically testable and scientific! And when they cornered him in the building he met his fate with dignity. Stringer is dead, long live Stringer.
Apr.16 at 8:45 am
Boing Dynasty says:
Omar, Telly mos definetly smashed that, at that house party right at the end. Whether Sting went out like a G or not, he was “cooperating” with the police beofre that anyway. Not a good look.
Apr.16 at 1:01 pm
Decs says:
khalid, wats the worst movie of all time?
Apr.16 at 1:17 pm
Omar says:
Boing, Telly ain’t bang R.D. He banged that 13-year-old Latina, Darcy. Remember? And Tariq, thank you. Rosario is overrated like that Dice-K of the Redsox (I am racking up on his rooke cards tho) And didn’t Stringer offer Omar and Muslim homie money to let him live? That’s pretty much a bitch move. And i definitely gotta see Machete.
Apr.16 at 1:55 pm
Shiz says:
Yeah, R.D. was the chick at the beginning of Kids who talks about needing a whole meal to get that “taste” outta her mouth…Skeet to the 3rd power..Skeet to the 3rd…
And my vote for the Worst Movie of All Time: Robocop 3, followed by Jason X, followed by The Hills Have Eyes…
Apr.16 at 1:59 pm
Boing Dynasty says:
you right O, my fault. I got my chicken heads crossed up.
Apr.16 at 3:07 pm
Omar says:
Nah, worst movie ever was Darkness.
Apr.16 at 3:26 pm
Ro says:
Omar,
Darkness was the 2nd worst movie of all time. The Fog was the worst.
Apr.16 at 5:03 pm
Omar says:
Man, i’d take The Fog over Darkness any day of the year!
Apr.16 at 7:42 pm
s. says:
i don’t know about anybody else but part of me wants to see Thanksgiving as a full feature
Apr.17 at 12:30 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Worst movie ever is She-Devil. Roseanne and Meryl Streep are in it, and both should be imprisoned for their roles in such a crime against humanity.
Apr.17 at 1:30 pm
FLUD says:
OOOOOOOOMMMMMMAAAAARRRRRRR!! Gonna go see this whenever the hell it hits Dublin. As for Clerks II , piece of crap. Awful. Made me wanna beat up everyone I saw with a fat ass, weak goatee and sly shitty little eyes.
Apr.17 at 9:57 pm
Omar says:
Damn, Flud! Is it that serious? And She-Devil was horrible! And yeah, Thanksgiving would be the bomb! Ayo, i’ma about to start this new thing where you pay me a $3 and i’ll review any movie you want. No porn tho. I don’t want that to lose it’s magic.