Road to the Final Four: Just Say Noah to UCLA
Where there is no further exploration of puns on last names.
by Ben Collins
Sixty-seven percent of people in America hate Joakim Noah.
That number is completely made up. It could – and should — be argued that, even if this is a pretty good estimate of how many people loathe the 6-11 Florida forward, an article shouldn’t be led off with something that so blatantly skirts the truth.
Then again, some national voices have written columns over the last few days, namely ESPN’s Pat Forde, that label Noah as a victim and avoid the truth the whole time. These are the back-of-your-head thoughts that, when you watch Gator basketball or read over the articles about Noah, are brought obnoxiously to the forefront.
First of all, this kid is not a victim, however much he’s dying to be one. “This year, if I don’t have this amount of points, this amount of rebounds, this amount of blocks, it’s, ‘What was I doing? What was wrong with me?’” he told Forde.
Real tough life you live, Joakim. The fact that you have to be responsible for anything at all may be new to you. That decision to return to Florida last year must have been a tough choice, sitting on a pro tennis star career’s worth of inheritance.
And, yes, Joakim, if you don’t have this amount of points, this amount of rebounds and this amount of blocks, it is, in fact, your fault. These are three of the fundamentals of basketball statistical categories. You will be criticized if you do not produce them as a National Champion Division 1 basketball player.
And there are days where you simply didn’t. Florida limped out of the gate, it should be remembered, losing to the first two big conference schools it played (Kansas and Florida State) this season. And in the Gators’ midseason lull, where they dropped three of four to Vanderbilt, LSU and Tennessee, Noah dipped even further. In a six-game stretch, the junior averaged 8.3 points per game, including 4 points in 21 minutes in that LSU loss.
Al Horford, too, sympathized with all of the “expectations on (Noah’s) shoulders” to Forde. But Horford, the bedrock of this team and the model of consistency down the stretch, was robbed of a second-team All-American slot en lieu of the face of the 2006 Championship Team.
Want to know why that is, Joakim? Because the media likes your game. I like your game, even. It’s hard to tell from the 400 or so words above and from the restraining order I’ll be faxed tomorrow, but we get you.
You’re young. You don’t see the point of trivial midseason games that would lock up a number-one seed. The LSU game is not a championship rematch to you, it’s another game. Against Kansas, a game that you knew would be an elite test, you even tipped home a game-tying layup despite the overtime loss.
You have a switch. You turn it on and off at will. That’s why we like you. That’s why you’ll probably go third in the draft next year. That’s why your team will probably win this game against UCLA on Saturday night.
Well, that and Al Horford, Corey Brewer, Taurean Green, Lee Humphrey, Billy Donovan, strength, experience and the Georgia Dome’s general willingness to see that disgusting dance that you created in person.
But if you lose or if you don’t turn on the switch and we don’t see that almost maniacal intensity, expect to see plenty of complaints about how many points you got.
Sixty-seven percent of people in America actually like you, Joakim Noah. As long as you see that each of those points and blocks and rebounds matters.
28 Responses to “Road to the Final Four: Just Say Noah to UCLA”
Mar.29 at 5:59 pm
Ben Collins says:
When I originally read that “points, rebounds and blocks” quote, the only thing I could think of was Sarah Silverman. “You’re not going to let me buy these batteries because I don’t have the correct number of money?” It’ll also took every bit of restraint I had not to mention physical appearance. I am a journalist I am a journalist I am a journalist. Screw it, I wanna hear some hair jokes.
Mar.29 at 6:02 pm
jbn74sb says:
Noah’s points, rebounds and blocks quote reminds of Shaq’s “I’ve won at every level expcept high school and college” take before Kobe (and then Wade) gave Shaq his rings.
Mar.29 at 6:48 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
Shouldn’t Noah be money from the arc?
Mar.29 at 7:16 pm
Ben Collins says:
I said there would be Noah puns allowed in this thread, Russ! No Joakim around!
Mar.30 at 11:59 am
H to the izzo says:
Don’t you mean Noah,Joakim around Ben?
Mar.30 at 12:01 pm
H to the izzo says:
Joakim around gets ya Noahwhere-SORRY
Mar.30 at 12:16 pm
Sam Rubenstein says:
If he likes the way his hair looks, he must be Joakim crack. Good?
Mar.30 at 1:43 pm
Shiz says:
I am of the 33% that dislike Joakim Noah…I am of the 5% that would pay money for the chance to face up with em. And could someone please tell this man that Diana Ross would like her hair stylist back…oh wait…I heard a scream…Joakim must’ve hit a layup in practice. AAAAHH!!…I’ve said it before (that Noah’s a bitch) and I’ll say it again…Noah’s a bitch…and Horford’s WAAAAAAAAAY better. HOW-EVA!! (thanx Stephen A.) Noah’ll go before Horford in the draft just cuz he’s a loudmouth. Thus ends my rant on my unrelenting hateration…and holleration (up in this dancery) of Joakim Noah…thank you.
Mar.30 at 1:46 pm
deestarbuckz says:
Noah and Sanjaya run in the same vein for me… Lottery pick or not, Noah is an “energy” guy on a very talented Florida team. He is not the go-to guy. He does not dominate on either side of the court. He can’t hit from outside 17 feet. Does that really justify a lottery pick? I will probably fall into the “hater” category now… but oh well… “Just because I don’t like it, don’t make me a hater”- Common
Mar.30 at 1:59 pm
H to the izzo says:
If you go by your “outside 17 feet ” rule does that knock Horford,Oden,Thabeet and Hibbert out of the lottery to.I have no doubt that if he lights up the final four all this criticism will be suddenly forgot about.Noah is better for a team than Horford is-if Horford doesn’t play well he doesn’t really care how the game goes
Mar.30 at 2:25 pm
Shiz says:
Doesn’t care? Because he doesn’t scream after every slightly contested lay-up? Because he doesn’t talk alot of shit after a blowout? To each his own I guess…But as far as potential pro, Horford’s better. Cuz we all know that “energy” guy in college usually translates to “garbage man” in the league . Maybe Noah’s better for sound bites (or is it bytes) but that’s about it. Yes, Im a Noah hater, and there’s nothing that can be said to change my mind…nothing
Mar.30 at 2:37 pm
H to the izzo says:
I said he doesn’t care when he’s not doing well but when he throws down a dunk he’s all screaming,taunting and staring down an opponent.He had a better season than Noah but I think Noah if he beefs up is a better pro prospect and I’m not in anyway a Noah-lover I was dissapointed in him this year
Mar.30 at 2:57 pm
deestarbuckz says:
I think the “story” of Noah is what everyone fell in love with and his game became secondary. Maybe his stats are down because now teams know what to expect and how to prepare for him. Maybe his game didn’t improve and he can’t or has not adjusted to that. Maybe he has peaked! Besides bulking up what is Noah’s upside? When did you last watch a Florida game and say, “Damn, the boi Noah is a killer!”? I would still take Horford, Oden, and Hibbert… but I am not a GM! I just sit at my desk, and post on here with my random opinions!
Mar.30 at 3:09 pm
Ben Collins says:
Hova and I are definitely on the same page here. I’m sure he cares when he’s not playing well, but he acts like he doesn’t. Just admit that you’re human. That’s all we ask.
Mar.30 at 3:28 pm
Shiz says:
Maybe that’s why he’s “the bedrock of this team and the model of consistency down the stretch”, eh?…The same could be said about the Tim Duncan Robot out in San Antone, and he’s doing alright for himself as a pro…I don’t know, maybe Im just blinded by the self-emulating shine that is Joakim Noah…Fucka Joke’him…beat him in sleep…Put cool-aid on his eyes an lips so he cant holla and cant see…
Mar.30 at 4:06 pm
deestarbuckz says:
The last player so hyped and loved in college was, umm… J.J. Reddick… ’nuff said!
Mar.30 at 4:33 pm
H to the izzo says:
Comparing Joakim Noah to JJ.Redick id like comparing spicy barbecue chicken wings to l’escargot-they’re just different-The last time I said that about Noah was during last years Final Four-will it happen again?—–
Wasn’t this post about UCLA at some point?
Mar.30 at 4:53 pm
Dblizzy! says:
I AM actually a Noah hater. I couldn’t believe that he actually made second team all america, when Jeff Green only got 3rd team. But I do think he’s a little bit of a victim, of that dreaded word POTENTIAL.
Noah didn’t ask anyone to love him, but when he played the way he played last yr in the NCAAs, he made everyone take notice. This year he “fell off” but maybe the fact is that he’s just not as good as he played in the tourney last year. Look at this years regular season numbers, they are not that different from last seasons. But when he played great in the tourney last year, everyone expected him to average 20 and 10 this year, and I just don’t think he’s that good. It’s like that bum in the park that has a good day. You busted his ass yesterday, you know you’ll bust his ass tomorrow, but today he’s hot and he’s killing you. That doesn’t mean he’s good, he’s just having a good day.
Mar.30 at 5:05 pm
Shiz says:
Hovie: Nah the post was about lambasting Noah with puns. But my cup runnith over with hateration…and holler..oh you guys know where Im going with this…And in my opinion, all the “wink-and-the-gun’s” he was giving the camera last year screamed “Love me!!” (even my homegirl, who is much more even tempered than I, was like “who does this guy think he is?!”) and for that he’s now public enemy number 3…He’s not Shotta enuff to be numero uno Big Man. He need to cut that damn hair…
Mar.30 at 5:16 pm
H to the izzo says:
…in this dancery
Mar.30 at 5:23 pm
H to the izzo says:
Ehem sorry I think we should get back to the puns and hair jokes
Noah is probably the third most polarizing player in basketball 1.Kobe(not a hater) 2.O.J Mayo(hater)3.Noah (meh)
Mar.31 at 1:36 am
dj says:
deestarbucks: ive been thinking the exact same thing these past few days. THe similarly disgusting hairstyles is only the beginning; its the fact that they both OOZE “DIVA”.
Mar.31 at 1:38 am
dj says:
and for the record, he’s gonna have a shitty-awful pro career. Last yr it was hyped up that he could play D like mad and pass like a point guard too. Now it looks like he just had a great stretch and Al Horford covered up for him a ton. The man is undersized to be banging down low in the L, has no J, no quickness, and no real post move.
Mar.31 at 12:01 pm
deestarbuckz a.k.a The Notorious H.A.T.E. says:
And his shot is ugly… dumb ugly… Tyrone Hill ugly! Only person justified to have the “knuckleball release” is Tim “sensitivity in training” Hardaway! I just don’t believe that the doode is going to be able to hold his own in the league. He would get banged by D. Howard, outclassed by TIMMY, and would meet the meaning of The Hype in KG!
Kobe is ill in a loss, OJ Mayo will be able to be coached and become a very good guard, and Stephon Marbury blasts “a rookie” for his bad pass!
Apr.2 at 2:56 am
Legit, Bitch says:
yea yea ya’ll you can hate him all you want, but all i gotta say is STAR TREATMENT for joakim noah, c’mon mane, i swear i knoe he got sum flaws, but he can kill any body in his path,even when he’s pullin up his pants or when his hair is in da way… samoan Pride Mutha Fukka!
Apr.2 at 8:22 am
Ryan Jones says:
Joakim Noah has a really hot sister.
Apr.2 at 10:41 am
jokil says:
So Joakim is French,Samoan-American and Ryan I think you mean Joakim Noah is a really hot sister
Nov.6 at 10:03 am
Connor says:
Im cool
as cool as ucla