Originally published in SLAM 34
SLAM SECRET MEETING #000063
PRESENT: Vince Carter, Toronto Raptors; Ed., SLAM; Creppy McWeasel, SLAM legal team; David Stern, NBA Commissioner
Ed.: Vince—thanks for coming. The reason we brought you here is, we’ve got some work for you to do. Is that cool?
DAVID STERN: [Interrupting] Hey, you can’t tell my players what to do! This is my-
Ed.: Chill out, Davey, it’s important. Creepy?
CREEPY MCWEASEL: Hey Vince, nicetomeetya. Sign herehereherehere and initial here.
VINCE CARTER: [taking pen] What is it?
CM: Um, don’t read that.
Ed.: Okay, Creepy, back off. Vince—it’s a simple thing. We got this letter from a kid in Holland. He came all the way here to see a Pacers game and asked Rik Smits for his autograph. Smits blew him off. Twice. We need you to show Rik some manners.
VC: How am I supposed to do that?
Ed.: We were thinking a baseline drive with a double-clutch reverse would be nice. Preferably in Indiana, in front of his home crowd. You know, show up that wooden-shoe-wearing freak in front of his own people. Hey Stern, when do the Raptors go to Indy?
DS: [Resigned] February 24th.
Ed.: The 24th good for you?
VC: Yeah, sure. But why the reverse?
Ed.: Well, I called Dominique Wilkins the best dunker in history, and some guy got mad ‘cause he said Dominique always went off both feet. The double-clutch reverse was one of ‘Nique’s signature moves, and we figured…
VC: [Interrupting] Whoa, you know Mike’s my man, though.
Ed.: Oh yeah, that’s right. My bad. A reverse would still be nice though.
CM: [Whining] Besides, it says right here in the contract you just signed…
Ed.: Okay, Creepy, back off. Vince—we cool?
VC: Yeah.
