The Latest, Absolutely Critical, USA Basketball Patriotism Portraits
The Olympics have arrived. So too has Shoals’ throughly subjective portrait of American pride.
There’s more at stake this summer than whether or not America can still play basketball. As we’ve learned over the last few years, participating in USA Basketball isn’t a favor to this country—it’s a calling, a duty, a direct reflection on how much these guys love the United States of America. Unless your name is Kevin Garnett, refusal to take part is subversive activity, akin to voting against the Tenth Amendment in a time of war. At the same time, guys like Allen Iverson can practically beg for the chance to rep their country again, but be denied if their patriotism could be called into question.
So while the Redeem Team fights to restore honor to the NBA, there rages within its ranks an internal struggle to see who will emerge the biggest patriot of them all. With this in mind, we present the Portraits in Patriotism, your one and only source for updates on just who is ahead in this all-important battle of honor, valor, and completely subjective views of what makes an American an American.
Portraits in Patriotism #1 (7/30/08)
LeBron James: Americans love underdogs. The Constitution was written with rented pens. So a gold medal guarantee from the prohibitive favorites’ best player, that’s just creating the illusion of adversity. Hillary would be proud. Same with passing out headphones to teammates who could afford the gear themselves. Keep everyone hungry, humble, and feeling under siege. There are enemies at our gates and Braveheart was the prequel to The Patriot.
J.R. Smith: Named to the Select Team, which is where you put the kids talented enough to scrimmage with giant dawgz, but lack the clout to refuse a red, white and blue phone call. Case in point: The lesser Lopez brother (I think). Or are like Kevin Durant, who is too darn polite to turn anything down. Anyway, this is a major coup for Smith, who with this has officially gone from eff-up to reformed young man on the path to recovery. It doesn’t matter if he never follows through on all that drool-inducing potential, but from now on, he’s certified. Like three-quarters of this country likes to beg for forgiveness or confess relapses or pay too much for therapists. A stumbling brat no longer, Smith’s now a man on the mend—even if the process lasts forever.
Carmelo Anthony: Dude said this: “The Olympics is about sport to me. It’s about football, what they call soccer over there, basketball and all the other sports going on. I don’t think it has anything to do with politics.” Like the kids say, that just ain’t right. First off, no real flag-waving icon would ever even admit that some people call soccer “football.” Speaking of flags, Melo has the Puerto Rican banner on his hand. I know that’s like a U.S. state or something, but it has its own team. What’s he doing on ours? This is all very suspicious. And then he caps it all off with denying the politics connection. Wise up son! If we lose, they win. What about that doesn’t influence elections?
Dwight Howard: It does not get any more simple than this: Dwight Howard is the primary front in the basketball war on China, our host and therefore our greatest enemy, since they’re the bad guys most readily standing in front of Team USA. Yao is the undisputed king of Chinese basketball, Dwight is the only big man on the squad. China simply cannot be allowed to defend their home soil. That would be like invading a country and then having to cut and run. I don’t really know what it means if Greece wins, but I hear we have some issues with China. So Howard/Ming is the closest we’ll get to the great USA/Russia Cold War games, until the Taliban takes the burka off the basket.
Chris Bosh: He lives in Canada and, when asked if he could live and play overseas, said this: “I think I could. I’ve always wanted to travel the world and experience another culture. That would be pretty interesting. You might want to come home after it. But I’m sure these guys who go over and after they’re done they look back at it and had a lot of fun.” Good thing he’s from Texas, or else we’d know we had a spy on our hands. I also hear he wore a dress in a YouTube video, or a wig or something. What? He made fun of used care salesmen? Excuse me while I order a Raptors #4 jersey with JUDAS ‘cross the back.
Kobe Bryant: I’ll let you in on a secret: This man is actually a government weapons project that escaped, made the NBA, and got in some trouble because he was trained to kill and explode, not talk smooth. He’s like Wolverine. Or Jason Bourne. Yeah, Jason Bourne. It would take that discipline to put up with Vanessa. Who happens to be of Commie extraction, which means KB24 might be compromised. . . hold up, I have a text message to send.
39 Responses to “The Latest, Absolutely Critical, USA Basketball Patriotism Portraits”
Jul.30 at 2:38 pm
Jukai says:
You are my hero, sir
Jul.30 at 2:46 pm
blackjack says:
i love it
Jul.30 at 2:49 pm
d.Y. says:
yes. Oh and I didn’t notice before, but those USA uniforms are type fresh.
Jul.30 at 2:54 pm
Ken says:
Well written.
Jul.30 at 3:07 pm
Ryne Nelson says:
Kobe > Jason Bourne
Jul.30 at 3:19 pm
Eboy says:
So good, so good!
Jul.30 at 3:58 pm
TJ 3000 says:
Im working hard so i can make the L and get gifts from bron bron
Jul.30 at 4:04 pm
J.D. says:
The best analysis of USA Basketball!
Jul.30 at 4:08 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Just to be different, I’ll say this sucked.
“This sucked.”
There, I said it.
PS, What are Kobe and Omar Epps talking about, do you think?
Jul.30 at 4:20 pm
Mo Charlo says:
It sounded like a lot of hating, but I guess I shouldn’t have expected anything different from Bethlehem Shoals. Hey Bethlehem, what are you going to do with Heaven and Here?
Jul.30 at 4:23 pm
Darksaber says:
The unis are type fresh? THEY ARE sizzling hot. check the white on white names on the back, niiiiice. Well of course they are, since they are from THE best b-ball apparel producer ever, the swoosh. (Loyal wearer since 1989, never touched anything else since then)
Jul.30 at 4:39 pm
B. Long says:
Great Article.
Jul.30 at 4:44 pm
LA Huey says:
Not a big fan of the white on white names on those unis. But I still love the jerseys. Especially, that pattern on the back.
Jul.30 at 4:54 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
Is everyone gonna wear those stupid arm sleeves? Why not add gloves to the end too? Maybe some cummerbunds and corsages? Is this the Olympids or the prom? F*ck it, I’m just watching bike racing.
Jul.30 at 4:55 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
Olympics. I need a new keyboard that actually has letters on it.
Jul.30 at 5:04 pm
Allan says:
Team USA 2012 Guards- Chris Paul
Deron Williams
Brandon Roy
Micheal Redd
Andre Iguadala Forwards- Lebron James
Carmelo Anthony
Kevin Durant Bigs - Dwight Howard
Greg Oden
La Marcus Aldrige
Al Jefferson Alternates - Andrew Bynum
OJ Mayo
Jul.30 at 5:07 pm
overtime says:
Think you’ll find that soccer is called football by the very people that invented it.
Jul.30 at 5:09 pm
Ryan Jones says:
The Chinese invented soccer (seriously, they just announced). I’m guessing they call it something we can’t pronounce.
Jul.30 at 5:26 pm
Tarzan Cooper says:
what about eazy yi?
Jul.30 at 5:28 pm
Justin says:
What a stupid f*cking article
Jul.30 at 6:07 pm
Justin Walsh says:
the uni’s in 20 years will be the best throwbacks since the dream team ones…those are in style no matter what. I know a white guy that couldn’t tell you what goaltending is in america…but has the gold and blue Jordan away jersey for the commemorative dream team throwbacks…wow
Jul.30 at 6:16 pm
shoals says:
Yes, this is indeed an “article” full of “hating.”
Jul.30 at 6:39 pm
ciolkstar says:
Shaols is the man. Free Anthony Randolph!
I think the jerseys look a little funny. Especially b/c the team is wearing the close-fitting style uop top but the shorts are still baggy as ever.The little pattern on the back is wack. The white on white names on back aren’t bad, but that b/c we know who everyone is.
Jul.30 at 7:07 pm
Junio says:
Objectives of Football in the world: - Score a Touchdown: 300 MM people (5%)
- Score a Goal: 5,7 BN people. (95%) I like reading here, but in the end of the day, all americans are shortsighted and arrogant.
Jul.30 at 7:25 pm
shoals says:
They must not have sarcasm in other parts of the world, either. How shortsighted and arrogant of my great nation to not spread the good word.
Jul.30 at 7:26 pm
bbfan says:
i’m impressed you know ALL americans.
Jul.30 at 7:38 pm
Diogo says:
Nice article. DWade looks like Treach on that pic.
Jul.30 at 7:47 pm
Jukai says:
I’m impressed how many idiots are taking this article seriously.
Jul.30 at 9:08 pm
RV says:
Good thing Arenas didn’t make the initial cut, now he has time to build his million dollar pool
Jul.30 at 9:14 pm
RV says:
and loved the article, how often will these be up?
Jul.31 at 1:12 am
DP says:
shoals is the best writer alive. I keep saying this but these mothaf*ckers don’t hear me! Like nas, shoals is a HERO. play wit it.
Jul.31 at 3:18 am
Son of Shawn says:
The europeans play football since a long time before the American football was created, so they must own the name of the game (and in American Football you use your hands more than your feet actually).
Jul.31 at 3:24 am
Son of Shawn says:
and there´re more teams representing the NBA (Slovenia has the highest population/NBA players rate in fact)
Jul.31 at 8:17 am
Landerly says:
i believe USA will get the yellow medel
Jul.31 at 9:05 am
FLUD says:
Hating?..Wack?…man… You people have no idea. Awesome piece Gang of fish
Jul.31 at 9:49 am
luke SM says:
Some serious insight there… I especially DUG the Bosh analysis, can’t wait for your article on Booze & Dare’in. Awesome piece.
Jul.31 at 10:39 am
Paps says:
Good thing you picked Bourne cause Wolverine is Canadian.
Jul.31 at 11:12 am
Celtics247.com » Blog Archive » Today’s Links 7/31 says:
[…] Herald Source within NBA: Luol Deng, Bulls agree to new deal Celtics Blog Translating for Paul Pierce Rockets snag league’s craziest third banana Bob Cousy turns 80 LOY’s Place Rumors and Free Agent Updates - Yao is worried edition ESPN Play by play for Turkey vs USA game Team USA adjusting to Asia just fine so far NBA’s top trios Red’s Army Lakers fans need a little refresher Our system is broken USA Today Charitable Gomes secures future with young Wolves Star Tribune Gomes deal completes Wolves’ priority list Bleacher Report Boston Celtics: From zeros to heroes Who is next to get moved this summer? Slam The latest absolutely critical USA basketball patriotism portraits The Sports Brief NBA mid-summer report: Atlantic Division Detroit Free Press Michael Curry won’t make much of a difference NBADraft.net The superstar theory revisited and supercharged part I Lex Nihil Novi Celtics draft Ainge in second round Chances of signing Ainge appear slim Fred Roberts on the Ainge pick The truth and his ego Orlando Sentinel Artest going to Houston creates a KG-Pierce-Allen like dynamic? Sports Watchers Top 5 players in the NBA entering the 08-09 season TrueHoop A Rocket test for Ron Artest The mind games of Bill Russell Eric Musselman’s Basketball Notebook End of the multi-sport athlete Sporting News Ron Artest completes the Rockets Hoopshype Future looks golden […]
Aug.25 at 8:16 am
SLAM ONLINE | » Portraits in Patriotism: Exit Interviews says:
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