Random thoughts
“UN-HAND ME MY BOTTOM!” and other priceless treasure
–I was watching the Spurs-Celtics game on Sunday afternoon and Mike Breen kicked it over to Michelle Tafoya, who started talking about how mad Gregg Poppovich was at his time during a time-out in third quarter. She said Pop got in his team’s face and told them they were playing the worst offense he had ever seen. Then she said something I couldn’t quite hear and I had this exchange with my roommate.
Me: Did she just say he said, “you’re playing like you have some men in your shoes?”
Roommate: Haha. No, she said he said, “you’re playing like you have cement in your shoes.”
–John Oliver should win an Emmy for his Super Tuesday coverage. If you haven’t seen it, it’s here (NSFW). You won’t see it in that video, but when The Daily Show went to commercial, there was a shot of Oliver in the crowd and he said something to the effect of, “Jon, someone is touching my bottom! Un-hand me my bottom!” If there’s anything out there that’s funnier than John Oliver asking for his bottom to be handed back, I haven’t found it yet. Actually…
–The brilliant Sarah Silverman should also win something for her performance, in “I’m f*cking Matt Damon.” (Obviously NSFW.) Matt Damon is like the new Tom Brady, except actually perfect. Unauthorized, silly pot shot from a Jets fan who has no right…YES! Maybe it’s New York (New Jersey?) pride. “Let’s put that guitar down and go f*ck Matt Damon.”
–Whenever I see the name “Hannah Montana”, I read it “Hanno Mottola.” This is weird. Slight turn-of-the-century college basketball dyslexia, perhaps?
–Johan Santana is the best pitcher in baseball. Deal with it.
–You can peep my column on Chris Wright over at Hoopsfuture. (Which Chris Wright? I won’t tell you quite yet…though if you know college ball you can probably figure it out…it’s the first in a series, so there will be more coming.)
–My beloved Atletico Madrid are driving me nuts. They slipped from 3rd to 5th and then recovered back to 4th this weekend thanks to a Diego Forlan double (CLASS!). Nothing less than a Champions League place is acceptable this season after selling Fernando Torres for 1…billion…dollars. So it’s 4th or bust for the rojiblancos and their fans.
(Note: for those readers out there that don’t follow “football/soccer”, the beauty of this is that I truly care about whether or not a team wins “4th place.” This is great because it means the regular season in European soccer actually means something. This means every game has value, unlike in America, where we use regular seasons to make money before fetishizing the playoffs, i.e. when “it counts.” Seriously, it always counts, that’s why it’s a f*cking game that people compete in. Stupid Americans…But, for real, the difference between 4th and 5th is the difference between playing in the European version of the NCAA tournament and the NIT. Imagine if your finish in one season dictated your tournament status in the next. Now do the haters recognize why we love this game?)
Back to my original *Slamonline* point: Of course, it’s Atleti, the more-predictable-than-a-Shakespeare-tragedy football club, so 5th is inevitable, but pretending to have hope feeds the cynic, I guess. Twisted. Meanwhile, it seems, Ryan’s Everton might actually finish 4th over Torres and Liverpool in the Premier League. How happy would that make our dear Farmer Jones, the former player from my team playing brilliantly this year, yet still bringing the Spanish curse with him and inadvertently helping out another less fortunate team’s cause?
Happy enough to part with Mikel Arteta? Maybe…then perhaps we could both get what we want. Everton can take Jose Reyes. The Spanish Jose Reyes, not the Dominican God of Speed. But not Gary Speed…
–For the final word on the Shaq-Marion deal, let’s just listen to Fiona Apple, my third cousin 2 orchards replaced:
“I don’t understand about complementary colors
And what they say
Side by side they both get bright
Together they both get gray
But he’s been pretty much yellow
And I’ve been kinda blue
But all I can see is
Red, red, red, red, red now
What am I gonna do
I don’t understand about
Diamonds and why men buy them
What’s so impressive about a diamond
Except the mining.”
Take from that what you will.
Also: Can’t wait till Miami drafts Derrick Rose and turns into Phoenix east. Win now, Cavs/Celtics/Pistons. Seriously, get your winning done now. This could be your best opportunity.
Miami is so golden right now. They’re practically f*cking Matt Damon.
40 Responses to “Random thoughts”
Feb.13 at 2:14 pm
TADOne says:
Waiting for Eboy to start worshipping at your altar after those last 2 paragraphs.
Feb.13 at 2:17 pm
Myles Brown says:
Note to Appleman & Kerr, re: Fiona Apple & The Shaq trade, “But then the dove of hope began its downward slope, and I believed for a moment that my chances were approaching to be grabbed. But as it came down near, so did a weary tear. I thought it was a bird but it was just a paper bag….” And I thought the same thing about Rose and Miami, but thats a mess he dont wanna clean up…
Feb.13 at 2:20 pm
white hot eboy says:
Why do they have to f*ck Matt Damon? Why can’t they bang one out in Sarah Silverman? She should be singing “I’m fu*king Chris Quinn”. That would turn heads. Jake is my motherfu*ing dude, right now. Golden Heat.
Feb.13 at 2:22 pm
TADOne says:
And The Daily Show is awesome. John Oliver is funnier than Shia on a rampage.
Feb.13 at 2:28 pm
riggs says:
id die before id start thinking 4th place is awesome, thats like handing out awards to all the little leaguers because they played.
Feb.13 at 2:29 pm
Jake Appleman says:
One of the general themes of this post is that British people are awesome…
Feb.13 at 2:31 pm
TADOne says:
Jolly good of you to say, Appleman.
Feb.13 at 2:37 pm
lockedc says:
man,wish we had a 4th place for germany.lost it.damn
Feb.13 at 2:41 pm
lockedc says:
maybe you´re asome,but you haven´t got a place at the EURO´08.thx croatia
Feb.13 at 3:06 pm
Bigi says:
It’s actually Hanno Mottola…
Feb.13 at 3:07 pm
Phil B says:
yes, british people are awesome, this is a fact. miami is golden? not a fact. not even close to a fact. miami just needs to sit around and pray that they don’t get screwed in the draft, and that they can convince both wade and marion to stay.
Feb.13 at 3:13 pm
Jake Appleman says:
Big I, I think your comment only serves to prove my point. Fixed.
Feb.13 at 3:13 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
Ironically, the Spurs do occasionally play like they have some men in their shoes. Wait, is that even ironic?
Feb.13 at 3:23 pm
Jake Appleman says:
I think it’s ironic and funny.
Feb.13 at 3:29 pm
Captain America says:
Johan is much more than the best pitcher in MLB. He is a true professional and a fine person.
Feb.13 at 3:32 pm
Captain America says:
Derrick Rose? Didn’t the Heat get the mighty Marcus Banks?
Feb.13 at 4:20 pm
Cheryl says:
I love it, Jake! That last line was my favorite of Slamonline ‘08.
Feb.13 at 5:12 pm
Ryan Jones says:
SK Brann 0-2 Everton will get me to break my posting promises every time. And Arteta didn’t even play.
Also, given your Sarah Silverman reference, I’ll take this opportunity to tell everyone that I went to the Will Ferrell Funny or Die/Semi-Pro comedy tour stop at Penn State Monday night. It was ok. I thought I’d write a post about it, since I figured they’d make lots of basketball references, but they did not. So I did not.
I like to explain stuff.
Feb.13 at 5:13 pm
Ryan Jones says:
This after I saw Sarah Silverman’s stop at Penn State last November. She was funny. Lots of drunk frat guys from the crowd yelled about wanting to sex her. I don’t believe any of them did.
Feb.13 at 5:14 pm
Ryan Jones says:
And motherf*cker Liverpool “You can’t buy our history, unless, you know, you have a lot of money, in which case, by all means!” Football Club.
Feb.13 at 5:14 pm
Ryan Jones says:
“motherf*ck,” I meant. I’m a little drunk right now.
Feb.13 at 5:15 pm
Ryan Jones says:
I was never here.
Feb.13 at 5:23 pm
Jake Appleman says:
Thank you Cheryl, and Ryan, ha ha ha. Got you, sucka.
Feb.13 at 5:23 pm
Jake Appleman says:
I’m definitely not cool enough to ever use the word “sucka” again. Apologies.
Feb.13 at 6:17 pm
Tariq says:
Coupla points: 1- That whole John Oliver thing was hilarious. Talking to drunk Giants fans as if they were out to vote for Hillary. Classic. But even more classic is the epic Conan/Colbert/Stewart battle royale to the death. That, I have pointed out on numerous occassions, is the best thing in the history of Western Civilization. 2- Real and Barca are of course the top two (hopefully not in that order). So that leaves Atleti, Villarreal and Espanyol. I actually think Atletico will finish 3rd. And as for Everton, they’re fourth, but Liverpool have a game in hand. I always write Everton off, but they often surprise me. And don’t forget about Man City. They just got Benjani AND beat Man Utd. Look out for them. 3- If you think British people rock, try watching English analysts break down American sports: “Yes, quite, indubitably…twas the appropriate position for a punt…Scrum, wot.” “Oh, Trevor, why is that James chap literally freezing his competitors?” Also, imagine getting used to American junk food and then go to a Tesco’s in f*cking Exeter and buy a “packet of crisps” whatever the hell that is. Or a box of “exceedingly good cakes”. Hogwash, I say.
Feb.13 at 7:45 pm
Jake Appleman says:
Tariq wins awesome comment award for this post hands down. Fantastic rant. Yes, dude, the strangest sporting experience of my life was watching an MLB playoff game in London. It was surreal how stupid the commenters were. And I’ve been to Tesco, though I don’t eat crisps. So there.
Feb.13 at 9:27 pm
Dacre says:
Sarah Silverman is the hottest woman not in body paint:
http://www.eonline.com/gossip/hum/detail/index.jsp?uuid=1d0a5b84-d5c2-459a-b7d5-723b7c83c2e3
Feb.13 at 10:43 pm
jeremy says:
Sober up,Ryan.
Feb.14 at 3:54 am
Tariq says:
Thanks Jake. Oh, and I almost forgot possibly the most annoying thing about Brits: they say “whilst” instead of “while” and “shant” instead of “won’t”. Dumb Limeys.
Feb.14 at 3:55 am
Tariq says:
And in case anyone from England is reading this, I’m just kidding. I actually had a great experience in the UK and everone was great. Albeit dumb.
Feb.14 at 5:20 am
Fyan says:
1) The only good source of political analysis on tv is ‘the daily show’and this coming from a political science grad who is taking his masters soon. That and ‘Yes Prime Minister’.
2) As a Reds fan (only those in the know understand) 18 league titles (double yours mate) and 5 European cups can never be taken away from us. People can buy our future but we will always have our history. Can’t wait for 30th March Mr Jones.
3) Haven’t listened to Ms Apple in ages thanks for the reminder.
Fantastic job Mr Appleman.
Feb.14 at 6:16 am
Tariq says:
Fyan: My only beef with Liverpool is that they’re boring as f*ck to watch.
Feb.14 at 7:57 am
Oliver says:
Man us English…..we just dont know to speak American….oh wait…..
Feb.14 at 8:03 am
Oliver says:
oh and whenever im state side i miss Heinz baked beans, crisps (your ‘chips’ are b/s) and sweets like fruit gums and fruit pastilles - any Brits here can back me on any of these
Feb.14 at 9:53 am
Tariq says:
Oliver…what kind of “crisps”? Walkers? Come on, man…you obviously do not have enough respect for the Frito-Lay conglomerate. As for “sweets”, I have one word for you: “Hersheys” and that includes the Reese’s sub-category of candies such as Nutrageous. As Konate would say, these treats are dope.
Feb.14 at 3:03 pm
Jake Appleman says:
O! Good to see you around these parts, homie.
Feb.15 at 10:12 pm
oliver says:
yo Jake- I drop in from time to time- no where near as many comments though- full time work is a bitch! still make sure ur column is still on point- no complaints here- still got it goin! Hope you’r gonna be watchin the Man U- Arsenal Cup game tomorrow- its gonna be a good one
Tariq- walkers? nah man- Branstons, Mccoys- that’s where it’s at-
Feb.15 at 10:13 pm
oliver says:
And i’ll let my mother sum up on Reeses- ‘taste like cat sick’ that’s a quote- altho i got no idea how she knows what cat sick tastes likes- didn’t wanna ask
Feb.16 at 1:41 pm
chillarock says:
say what again m*****f*****!….Hanna Montana picthing for the muts..what next Brittny spears in for release..I mean relief…I mean I like jelly beans
Feb.16 at 1:47 pm
chris says:
I F****D Hanna Banana,……..and Matt Demon and a box of cupcakes..Fiona Apple is more intimidating in the paint than Shaq on crack, but I’ll wax his back