Movie Review: Spiderman 3
Omar says goodbye to slamonline with his final review
By Omar Mazariego
On April 28th I informed my man Khalid that I wouldn’t be reviewing movies for Slam anymore. Why you ask? Well, in a few weeks I’m going to begin blogging about movies for another site that I’ll let you know about later. (Harlem_World, your dream has come true) His response was “Awwwww, word? At all? Can you at least write one more for the hardcore!?” I figured sure, why not? So I said “Aight. No doubt. I don’t know which one I should review though.” He quickly responded “It should be Spiderman 3.” It made sense. Might as well go out with a chitty-chitty-bang-bang, right?
So I went to the flicks to catch the much-anticipated third installment to the web-slinger’s franchise and finally see what Venom was going to look like on the big screen. I must say I wasn’t impressed. And I don’t mean just with Venom. I mean with the movie as a whole.
The story was basically about vanity. Everybody was on they own sh*t. Harry, Mary, even the humble and herby Peter Parker – well, after the black symboite that came from outer space took over his body anyway. Every character in the film – bar Sandman – was dealing with issues related to pride, arrogance and egotism. Mary Jane (who the critics slammed for her Broadway performance and was ultimately fired from her job, which in turn led to her becoming the harlot that she is) began rejecting Spiderman because he was outshining her and stealing the thunder she once had. Harry (The most gangsta and entertaining dude in this whole movie next to J. Jameson) wanted to avenge his family name. Eddie Brock (Who was entertaining as Eddie Brock, but sucked a$$ like R. Kelly in that infamous video as Venom) felt that Peter Parker took away his manhood and reputation. Peter Parker (Who’s finally embracing the fame that comes along with being Spiderman) couldn’t stop talking about himself as Spiderman. Sandman was the most humble character in the film. He was robbing and stealing to help get his seed the medical attention they can’t afford. You gotta respect that.
What you don’t have to respect is the casting. It seemed like half the casting was out together based on favors and promises. I mean, Bryce Dallas Howard as Gwen Stacy? Come on! Like her booty, her acting was half-a$$ed. Then you have this TV reporter around the end of the movie who seemed like she was an extra who picked up a microphone and snuck onto the movie set. Question is, whose microphone did she pick up to get into the movie?? Ponder that one, why don’t cha. I’m sure she broke someone off for that part. And of course the biggest f*** up of them all: Topher Grace as Eddie Brock. Yet another favor was called in for this one. Not only was he a horrible choice, but it made no sense. Eddie Brock is supposed to be a beast of a man. He’s supposed to be as tall as Rebecca Lobo and more diesel than that boy Vin. They should’ve cast that dude who plays Colossus in the X-Men movies. Even Jake Gyllenhaal would’ve been a better Venom. We’ve all seen what he can do to a cowboy. Imagine what he’d do to a city slicker. Now that’s scary! Tobey might actually welcome a “a$$”-whupping from a Gyllenhaal Venom. “What’s your name, boy!” “Uuuuu, Tobey!”
When it was all said and done, I gave Spiderman 3.5 Gangstas.
I mean let’s keep it real. We have the makings for a classic Spiderman movie here. First we have the return of the Green Goblin…kind of. Second we have Sandman (brilliantly played by Thomas Haden Church). With today’s modern technology in computer-generated images, the possibilities are endless. They wouldn’t need to put together clay figures in a billion different poses as was displayed in Clash of The Titans (A widely overlooked classic I might add) to make the Sandman’s scenes breath taking. Then of course we have the long delayed and much anticipated introduction to Eddie Brock a.k.a. Venom, Spiderman’s deadliest and most personal foe. Let me say, Topher could not play a bad guy to save his career. And to make matters worse, whenever Venom wasn’t in CGI mode, the actual physical costume and mask looked about as good as Lindsay Lohan does to these celebrities she tries to bed every weekend (really though, she’s so sad that even rock stars don’t wanna have sex with her. And they have sex with animals).
As far as the writing, the jokes and plot, they were all on point like Steve Nash. But the execution by the actors was so weak that BALCO couldn’t help hit this one out the park (Watching Peter cry both times was hilarious, not sad. I know that’s not what the director, writers, or actor was aiming for). And really, who the hell convinced everyone that Kirsten Dunst would make a better Mary Jane than Eliza Dushku??? Eliza knocks Kirsten out the box on every level of the game. As far as acting and physical attributes, she would’ve made a way better Mary Jane, but no use crying over spilled milk. At the end of the day, I blame Topher Grace and B. Howard the most for making this movie a disappointment. Sam Raimi, you’ve just made my Sh*t list too! Paris Hilton getting jail time was way more entertaining than this flick. I hope they American Me her a$$ in there!
P.S. I wanna thank my peeps at Slam for holding me down this long (Khalid, Sam, Lang, Ben, Susan, Russ, Melissa and Ryan (Chewing on wheat on his farm in Oklahoma)) and everyone who supported the Gangsta Entertainment Corner from day one. Catch me at my new blog in a few weeks doing my thang thang on a daily basis.
PEACE - O
53 Responses to “Movie Review: Spiderman 3”
May.10 at 2:10 pm
Derms says:
You will be missed homie! Good luck in whatever you do.
May.10 at 2:10 pm
rob stewart says:
first!
May.10 at 2:12 pm
rob stewart says:
I really liked this movie but there was a whole lot going on in it. Peter Parker even dishes out a nasty crossover and behind the back pass in the movie. It looked kind of natural too. I wonder if he hooped in high school. I guess I was second
May.10 at 2:12 pm
J3K says:
Great job, O. Thanks for all the reviews you’ve done. You inspired me to write my own reviews for movies, too. I’m looking forward to your movie blog.
May.10 at 2:21 pm
Toney Blare says:
Big up to BK, best of luck, O.
May.10 at 2:29 pm
ESOKC says:
Man you’ll be missed good luck in your future I’ll be looking forward to reading your movie blog. Thanks for all the reviews and keeping it gangsta.
May.10 at 2:34 pm
oliver says:
why eliza dushku?
May.10 at 2:36 pm
white hot eboy says:
O, you will be missed like some GS Warrior free throws. Or a Heat playoff win. Be looking for you on the new tip. And, yeah, Mary Jane and Gwen are sorry as fu*k! They needed some burning hot mami’s for those two birds. Richie Cunningham’s daughter does not tightening my pants.
May.10 at 2:37 pm
Omar says:
I’m glad i inspired you J3K. Keep doing it up. And yeah, Spiderman 3 was hella disappointing. Hopefully 28 Weeks Later will hold it down!
May.10 at 2:37 pm
white hot eboy says:
Damn, that last line made me sound like Borat. Typos, baby, typos.
May.10 at 2:49 pm
GCM says:
wish you all the best O… peace…
May.10 at 3:15 pm
Cheryl says:
Will miss you, O. But I’ma catch you on the new site–may as well add one more blog to my increasing level of goof off minutes at work. I’m telling you, y’alla gonna get me fired!
May.10 at 3:30 pm
Esco says:
Aw man…this sucks…almost made me wanna cry reading this…well, just keep us informed of the new site. Best of luck in the future…Damn, I can’t send the links to your SLam articles to my friends anymore so they can get a good laugh…Oh well, they jus gonna hafta wait…
May.10 at 3:45 pm
deestarbuckz says:
Be easy O… and yea Spidey sucked like a hooker off the Vegas strip… Very disappointing because I was waiting for Venom to be gully as hell. I left the movie tight!
May.10 at 4:00 pm
GodSaveTheKnicks says:
peace omar. we disagreed on constantine but you still entertained.
May.10 at 4:04 pm
dez says:
They put Eric from “That 70s Show” as Venom?
What a complete failure
May.10 at 4:15 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
Good luck with the new gig, O. I’m sure I’ll see you out there.
May.10 at 5:38 pm
data187 says:
what site is your new blog on?
May.10 at 5:46 pm
Bryant Reeves says:
why do superhero movie sequels always jam in as many villans as possible? Venom should be more than enough. Why Goblin and Sandman too? Batman movies did the same thing after the first. More villans = less plot = sh!tty movies. O, great job. I hope you keep the gangsta rating system at your new site.
May.10 at 6:05 pm
jonathan says:
good luck with everything, i’m looking forward to your future blog. yours are the only movie reviews i read, keep it up
May.10 at 6:57 pm
KMG says:
Good Luck O…may your reviews always stay 5 gangstas strong.
May.10 at 9:17 pm
Michael says:
I always felt Topher was the wrong guy for Venom. The guy is a toothpick. He is a great actor though and i expect the guy to win a couple oscars in his career. His facial movements are brilliant and the way he uses his hands only add to the affect.
May.10 at 10:13 pm
Omar says:
I’ll definitely keep y’all posted on my moves. Bet that.
May.10 at 10:39 pm
Lang Whitaker says:
When O gets all settled in at his new spot we’ll definitely link to him. And as I told O last night, I couldn’t be happier for him. I think I can safely speak for all of us at SLAM in saying that having O be a part of SLAMonline.com the last few years has been gangsta.
May.10 at 11:26 pm
Chris O'Leary says:
I’ll pour out a little liquor for your gangster reviews at SLAM, Omar. Someone else’s liquor, but still. The thought’s there, you know?
May.11 at 12:12 am
David says:
Thanks for the entertainment, O. Hope you get paid for your next gig.
May.11 at 12:44 am
what says:
Very gangsta review for a very un-gangsta movie. Even 3.5 gangstas is pretty generous. Wee-Bey would be disappointed. Good luck man.
May.11 at 12:53 am
Russ Bengtson says:
Out of five gangstas, I give Omar…37.
May.11 at 12:57 am
Ben Couch says:
Good luck with the new gig, O. You’ve got the option to cash in a guest movie review blogging op at the LLFD whenever you want it, ha. Keep doin’ you, my good man.
May.11 at 6:05 am
Sesa says:
If you must know, the Eddie Brock on SP3 was probably based on the ultimate spiderman comic. Then again, that version of Venom was as big as incredible Hulk.
That’s why i’m so dissapointed with ultimate spiderman comics.
Goodbye and goodluck Omar, I’m hoping that you’d still join the discussion at SLAMonline.
May.11 at 8:31 am
sefos says:
how are we supposed to know what movies are gangsta now? good luck omar.
May.11 at 9:22 am
FLUD says:
OOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!! Can’t wait to be reading that new shit. You’re a hell of a man. Also..could you give us a rough estimate of how many people are on your shit list. I’m thinkin’ of moving into the undertaker buisness and a heads up on how many coffins you’ll be filling would really beef up my buisness plan. Respect and best wishes O.
May.11 at 9:52 am
Clockwork says:
Good luck Omar, your movie reviews will be missed. But just out of curiosity, who’s the fifth gangsta? Stringer? Avon? Prez? Will you take that secret to the grave with you?
May.11 at 11:12 am
Mr. 416 says:
O, good luck. Keep in gangsta
May.11 at 11:24 am
Sam Rubenstein says:
The black Spiderman suit in the photo is symbolic for Omar’s slamonline funeral. Looking forward to the new blog. Also just want to point out that it’s kind of funny that we decided to stop using Sopranos for the gangsta scale, and now the Sopranos is suddenly a good show again.
Best of luck Omar!
May.11 at 11:30 am
snyper48 says:
O, I dont wanna sound repetitive but your reviews were one of the reasons that made Slamonline the best ball site in the blogosphere, hope u get paid and when Slam needs 300 for a final battle with SI you come forward and do what you do best, be a gangsta.
BK stand up.
May.11 at 11:32 am
Ryu says:
This rewiew is the shit. Cast man, cast. That’s what the problem is. Evrithing else is all right. Sadly this small mistake made the whole trilogy sucks. Anyway, keep it real O.
May.11 at 1:26 pm
Omar says:
Man, all the love y’all showing almost made me shed a tear. Holla at me, Ben Couch!! Let’s do business.
May.11 at 1:27 pm
Omar says:
And Flud, the list is about 15 deep. But bodies won’t stop dropping till the weather gets hot and the AC in my crib stops working. And thanks to everyone for they best wishes. Means alot to the kid.
May.11 at 2:01 pm
k.o. says:
U ripped on the whole movie, all the actors, the director, and said that Paris Hilton’s jail-time was more entertaining….yet u gave it 3 and 1/2 gangstas? c’monnnnn, its 2 outta 5 tops. Worst flick in the series, the Sandman plotline was made null and pointless the way it ended…and they hardly stayed true to the original storylines. The movie took a drastic downhill turn with the introduction of Emo Peter Parker. weeeeeaaaaakkkkkkk. Good luck at the new job tho, ur reviews have always been good for some laughs over the lunch hour!
May.11 at 3:25 pm
Mike C. says:
O. Can we get a link to the new site when you start?
May.11 at 7:32 pm
Dennard says:
Congrats on your new J-O, O. I know you still gonna keep it gangsta.
May.11 at 10:31 pm
Omar says:
I’ma definitely let y’all know what’s really hood once everything is said on done. Bet that. And i ripped the movie, but it was entertaining. Like i said, i thought it was well written. Just the actors who F*cked it all up. They should’ve just focused on Sandman and let Venom rock in Spiderman 4. They got scared when Tobey said he wouldn’t do a 4 so they tried to go ALL out in 3 and failed. Just saw 28 Weeks Later today. CLASSIC!
May.11 at 11:23 pm
Kinky Robot says:
Spiderman 3 rocks
May.12 at 3:30 am
earl says:
Sad day , sad sad day. BigO you will be missed deeply, they shouldn’t replay you with another Clarence Thomas but just put a dark spot over your name. Stay real now that you you mov’n on up. EfromParis
May.12 at 11:20 am
Ben Osborne says:
It will be an absolute rule that Omar’s new site will get linked to every time he writes a classic, so theoretically we will still be hosting the man. Peace out, O.
May.13 at 7:59 pm
DP says:
The movie was the best one out of the three in my opinion. The casting? Who gives a crap? Venom looks the same size that he looks in the comics. I know there are different spiderman comics out there, but for the main part they got Venom right on the point. Sandman, that was pretty tight too. This movie had to have the most action out of three movies. Spiderman 4 should have Rhino and carnage. They have plenty of bad guys left make around eight sp movies. The last movie should include captain america in it. For the most part, though, the movie was cool. play wit it.
May.14 at 12:38 pm
Omar says:
Hey Ben, thanks for the love. DP, your trippin. Casting can make or break a movie. Simple as that. Imagine they casted that bird who played Anakin Skywalker in those Star Wars film to be Eddie Brock!
Jun.4 at 4:12 pm
tsmith7791 says:
So what is the new website youre working for o?
Jun.5 at 10:43 pm
Omar says:
It’s coming abou REAL soon. I got yall!
Jul.5 at 9:09 am
James says:
The Sin City review was classic. That got emailed to a bunch of people.
Sep.4 at 7:08 pm
tsmith7791 says:
This is why we as a people can’t make progress. When we say we will do something in a couple of weeks, we actually mean more than four months. No disrespect O.
Sep.19 at 12:11 pm
SLAM ONLINE | » The Return of OMAR says:
[…] Spiderman 3 – Y’all already know. The only thing that saved this movie was Sandman and the black Spiderman. Topher Grace sucked as Venom. Just read my review about it. You’ll see what’s really hood. […]