Bite me.
Flattered by imitation. Or something.
One of the benefits of my new job is that we get a lot of magazines sent to our office. Some of these magazines are not magazines I’m particularly interested in, but then, some of them are.
Like, says, Esquire and GQ. Esquire is, for my money, about as good a magazine as you’ll find, and I say that not only because Sam’s nemesis writes for them. GQ, meanwhile, I’m a little conflicted about. It’s actually a pretty good magazine, too; it’s just not as good as Esquire. I used to subscribe to it, and now that I don’t have to pay for it, I read it pretty much every month. But a couple of years ago, I decided I’d never actually buy a copy of GQ ever again. This is because they took an unprovoked and factually baseless shot at SLAM.
Which, you know, was stupid.
If I remember right, it was some sort of snarky feature thing purporting to explain and investigate a certain type of knucklehead guy they collectively called “The American Jackass.” I guess this was when people were still buying Limp Bizkit records (although that’s been longer than a couple of years, I think), because I don’t know of another factor that would’ve inspired such a story idea. Anyway, as part of this feature package, they had a list of things these guys did, activities and tendencies that defined these people as “jackasses.” Things like, “Hobbies” (I think “date rape” actually might’ve been one of the answers) “Favorite Drink” (some sort of beer, I assume) “Favorite Music” (Limp Bizkit, obviously) etc. And one of these categories was “Favorite Magazine,” which I figured would almost definitely be Maxim or something like it.
But no. They said the preferred magazine of the American Jackass was… SLAM.
No, I didn’t get it, either.
Understand, I’m not saying SLAM doesn’t have some readers who might be considered as such. I just don’t see how we really fit in with the image they seemed to be trying to paint. For starters, to the best of my knowledge — and I’m really pretty sure of this — no current or recent full-time SLAM staff member now owns or has ever owned a Limp Bizkit record. Beyond that, I suppose I could see why a guy like this might not be able to tell the difference between SLAM and Maxim and any other magazine that doesn’t feature 200 pages of vaguely homoerotic ads from Italian clothing designers, but that’s still not much of an excuse.
And please, if you didn’t already, do me a favor and go back and click on that last link. Admittedly, I’m not much of a brawler, but I have no doubt I could kick this guy’s ass under any circumstance in which such an opportunity might present itself. In which case, perhaps I am a jackass, after all.
Anyway, I bring all this up because, flipping through the new GQ the other day — which is really a pretty good issue — I noticed a heavy dose of basketball coverage: There’s a 2 or 3-page feature on Michael Jordan as the “ultimate” GQ guy, which seems to be a bit of a reach, but whatever; there’s a page of random basketball info that includes a small, mildly interesting piece on what card games NBA players like to play on the road; and then there’s a 5 or 6-page feature on how great Inside the NBA is, in which the writer goes and hangs out at the studio for a night and talks about how, for true basketball fans, there’s no better show on television.
And I’m trying to remember, Lang—didn’t we do that exact same story, like, 4 or 5 years ago?
Anyway, GQ, it’s good to have you on board.
I don’t really know why I felt compelled to post this, other than I haven’t posted in like two weeks and I’m afraid Sam’s gonna start yelling at me. Also, I may have been inspired by the amazing, ongoing Joe Rogan-Carlos “Ned” Mencia comedy beef a friend of mine put me on to. I remember when the boys at Fuego mag (RIP, amigos) got the early copies of Mind of Mencia and brought it into our office to watch it a couple years ago. Specifically, I remember thinking, “this guy is sort of funny, but he’s only about 19 percent as funny as Dave Chappelle, and besides, is his comedy really all that original?”
About that last part: Apparently, I’m not the only one who thought so. I just didn’t know it was like that.
So, yeah… biters. Good stuff. I can’t really be mad, though; unlike GQ, which has to try (and generally fail) to be as good as Esquire, or working comedians who have to compete for stand-up gigs and HBO specials and may or may not be jealous of each other’s TV shows, SLAM doesn’t really have any competition. If we did, I guess, they might actually be blatant and shameless enough to bite us, too — like doing an “anniversary” issue of some sort in the past month or two and having Jalen Rose write a first-person account of his days in the Fab Five.
Just like we did, about a year ago, in SLAM 100.
Thankfully, that competition does not exist.
I’ll be back next week with 18,000 words on Penn State’s offseason training regimen. Oh, and Kansas over Georgetown in the final. Later.
40 Responses to “Bite me.”
Mar.14 at 11:29 am
Max Airington says:
I do remember that issue and with a bookshelf containing the last two years worth of GQ sitting idly to my left, I’d be inclined to get you an exact quote….if I weren’t on my way to the gym. For much more on why Mencia sucks, check out the redban blog. Dane Cook can eat my a…gotta go.
Mar.14 at 11:35 am
Max Airington says:
http://www.redban.com/blogy/
Mar.14 at 12:46 pm
JAKE says:
GQ sucks. Look at the newest issue. LITERALLY The first THIRD of the magazine is 100% ADS.
Mar.14 at 1:53 pm
mutoni says:
” SLAM doesn’t really have any competition. If we did, I guess, they might actually be blatant and shameless enough to bite us, too — like doing an “anniversary” issue of some sort in the past month or two and having Jalen Rose write a first-person account of his days in the Fab Five. Just like we did, about a year ago, in SLAM 100.” I love the subtlety. Gee, wonder which D mag I you M could E possibly be talking about…
Mar.14 at 1:59 pm
Ben Couch says:
Damn. Magazine beef. Who knew?
Mar.14 at 2:28 pm
Ryan Jones says:
?
Mar.14 at 2:39 pm
Melissa Brennan says:
I think S. Goggi has a limp bizkit record hidden in his stack between Interpol and the Arcade Fire. You know you miss the art department Jonesy!!!!
Mar.14 at 3:01 pm
oliver says:
dime cant even come close to touchin slam-
its about thirty pages long for a start
Mar.14 at 3:04 pm
J says:
I knew this would happen one day. Didn’t think slam would be the instigator though.
Mar.14 at 3:07 pm
Sam Rubenstein says:
I hope my nemesis is as angry as I am about Velvet Revolver’s blasphemous defacing of a Van Halen classic (and a Hagar era song) at the rock and roll hall of fame the other night. That’s definitley his area of expertise.
Mar.14 at 3:23 pm
Hersey says:
Keep the beef in print. Don’t want any more dead journalists.
Mar.14 at 3:40 pm
honey says:
what’s beef? tell ‘em why you mad, son!
Mar.14 at 4:05 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Melissa: Fire him. Now.
Honey: If I remember right, beef is when I see you… or when Joe Rogan’s cameraman sees you. Either way.
And yeah, Sam, I’m guessing you and Chuck are similarly enraged over the VH sh*t. I really do think they might be the most disfunctional band of all time. Which is kind of saying a lot.
Mar.14 at 6:23 pm
Sebastian says:
Awesome article, but Kansas over Georgetown? Kansas doesn’t have the bigs to compete with GU. I do have the same two teams though.
Mar.14 at 6:29 pm
Jake Appleman says:
Ryan, For the record I listen to Limp Bizket sometimes, though I don’t “own” a cd. As I’ve told you before, I’m part of the anger management generation, so, yeah…
Mar.14 at 6:35 pm
Oj Mayo's Weed Man says:
Thank You, I’ve been waiting for someone at slam to go at those dime bitches for bitin!
Mar.14 at 7:32 pm
Slobodan Chutzpah says:
Three points. 1: I’m sure Lang also has a Limp Bizkit record stashed away somewhere, seeing as he’s as close to a Fred Durst lookalike as there is on the Slam staff. 2: Esquire is really good, though the UK edition is superior to the US one. Same with GQ. 3: That guy looked EXACTLY like guys who write for men’s (or style or whatever you wanna call them) magazines always look like. You know, a bit on the mousy side, with clothes that scream “Magazine journalist!” Ugh. Looking forward to that next installment in the Penn State basketball series.
Mar.15 at 9:26 am
Cub Buenning says:
I would say a lineup of the SLAM cast would look nothing like “magazine journalist” guy. Love that take though, Slobodan. I agree Ryan, I think i could probably take that dude, too. Maybe.
Mar.15 at 9:32 am
Ryan Jones says:
Your daughter could take that guy, Cub.
Mar.15 at 11:12 am
Rick Kang says:
If the “American jackass” reads SLAM, does the “American douche-bag” read GQ? SLAM is the second-best magazine around — SI being first. No disrespect — SI has it’s (many) flaws, but it’s the institution. When SLAM goes weekly, I’ll get back to you…
p.s. Kevin Durant had best be on a cover before Lotto-mania
Mar.15 at 11:21 am
Cub Buenning says:
She could surely post him up then drop step bang it on him.
Durant made me almost want to pick the ‘Horns into the FF. He’s got that LBJ-feel where it looks effortless.
Mar.15 at 11:39 am
Ryan Jones says:
Well, we are planning a swimsuit issue for next winter, Rick, so maybe that’ll help. Lang’s gonna be on the cover in bodypaint. Hotness.
Mar.15 at 3:16 pm
Khalid Salaam says:
What does a magazine journalist look like??
Mar.15 at 3:24 pm
Slobodan Chutzpah says:
Check out the pic above. That’s what a mag journalist looks like.
Mar.15 at 3:46 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Yo, you guys should see how Khalid dresses. “Urban Cowboy,” I think he calls it.
Mar.15 at 4:19 pm
Khalid Salaam says:
Thats what the ladies call it.
Mar.15 at 4:20 pm
Rick Kang says:
Speaking of swimsuit issues and the like, I don’t suppose y’all saw that issue of Dime last summer — filled with pix of NBA players — IN NON-B-BALL CLOTHES, and even worse, TOPLESS & shit? Don’t give ‘em any more ideas…
Mar.16 at 2:13 am
Mikel says:
and since these comments are dedicated to,figuratively speaking anyways, taking a collective dump on DIME Mag…anybody notice how their “new” re-designed website eerily looks like the current SLAM set-up? Just thought I would put that out there…
Mar.16 at 7:11 am
Slobodan Chutzpah says:
How long before DIME maxes out a SLAM writer, only to find out that his wrist needs extensive reconstructive surgery?
Mar.16 at 12:33 pm
Ro says:
Your beef is not legit. I think we being a little extra sensitive here…
Mar.16 at 2:55 pm
caputo says:
Ads only mean money Jake …More ads mean you’re reading the right magazines….
Mar.19 at 12:03 pm
1hush D says:
RJ, that guy would kill you in a figure skating showdown. By the way, we are ok with homoeroticism and concerned about homophobia right? I am guessing the guy is in fashion and he probably subscribes to Maxim so that his boys will think he is into it for the soft porn but really he wants to be a decorator and he secretly flips through SLAM for the cut althletes and we really need to embrace him Amaechi style…it is ok Jimmy that you are gay. You love to focus on what people wear, decorating and figure skating. We love to play basketball. That is ok. Lash out against SLAM if it makes you feel better. We love you for who you are not who you pretend to be.
Mar.19 at 6:31 pm
Harlem_World says:
Good competition…ORIGINAL competition…NON-BITING competition is good for everyone. On that criteria, Dime is bad. Very bad. If anything, take it as a compliment and push the throttle even harder. As Jigga said ‘SLAM’s about a dollar what the fk is 10 cents?’
Mar.20 at 7:30 pm
BHustle19 says:
Ryan just so you know, over here in the UK, UK Maxim actually do have beef with the editor of UK GQ for similar reasons, and the homoerotic undertones of the mag get some kind of bitchslap all the time from them. Just seems kinda ironic.
Mar.21 at 8:23 am
FLUD says:
Damn Sam… Never thought I’d see anyone mention Van Halen. Classic that is. I love ‘em. Hagar era however is LAME LIKE LEGLER! Dave or the grave. GQ is the ponce of mags. Chunklet… now there’s a read. Cabinate is awesome too. My old lady gets that one delivered. See if you can get Foggy Notions delivered to the dome. It’s an Irish music mag and it’s slick as hell. Smells nice too.
Mar.21 at 8:24 am
FLUD says:
That shoulda been ‘mention Van Halen on the Slam site’
Mar.22 at 1:39 pm
Dank says:
buncha retards reading slam. I’ve been reading Dime mag for a year and up until this morning i had no idea slam even existed. good publicity stunt. who’s editor of your mag, Cam’ron? what’s next? telling readers that Josh Smith stole signature dunks from “farmer jones”? Bite your lip fruitcake. all the legit ballplayers read dime, the rest is a joke.
Mar.22 at 3:20 pm
Andrew says:
Even if GQ copied that article, it still sucks in general. What do card games have to do with it. Betablare.com
Mar.23 at 10:13 am
Milan says:
Slam is head and shoulders above Dime, I mean look at the stuff Slam brings out on this site. And yes, as Mikel pointed out, Dime also changed theirs recently and now it looks a lot like this with the blogging type outlay.
And the response from Dime is typical from them, in a lot of stuff you get to read on their site they just brag about this or that thing they did or wrote about promote the same thing months after they did it.
Slam is and will stay my #1 choice of b’ball magazine and website.
Keep it up guys!
Mar.28 at 1:44 am
Adam says:
if the average american jackass reads slam, who reads GQ? the average american chap-wearing martini drinking douche?