The Gangsta and Un-Gangsta Moments of 2006
Remember the Omar.
By Omar Mazariego
As Michael Jordan once said, “I’m back.”
The Gangsta Moments of 2006
5. Lance Bass is Gay – Now the only reason I say this was gangsta is because it justified what I’ve been saying ever since N’Sync blew. I remember telling all the little teenie boppers in my school, “N’Sync is more fruity than that product that Tucan Sam be hockin’!” And they response was always, “You’re just hater, Omar! Just go back to Brooklyn and commit a crime. You know that’s what you do best!” Well ladies, I hate to say it, but I told you so. That’s one down and four to go. And trust you me, JT will be theee most reluctant to step out from behind the shirts and jackets on the hangers.
4. The Democrats Make a Comeback! – Yes, ya favorite gangsta critic gets his political on. I find it gangsta that the actions of just one man (George Bush) made Republicans vote Democrat in this years House elections. I don’t claim no set when it comes to political parties, but I will say that I don’t roll with people who don’t have cojones and who are so stupid they study for blood tests and buy glass doors with peep holes, you know what I’m saying? How many businesses did this man run into the ground? Like 2 or 3. And he’s our president? ’08 I’m voting for either Hillary or Obama. Straight up and down. I was in the hood for the Guliani era, and trust you me, vote him in and it’ll be the Patriot Act times six hundred and sixty six.
3. The Wire Returns – In the hood The Wire is what I Love Lucy was to the ‘burbs! Plain and simple. Arguably the best season of the show and probably the best hour of television on Sunday nights, The Wire had the hood on smash from east to west. Marlo and Chris are badass and is Snoop becoming a sort of sex symbol for the Rosie O’Donnell fan club? All signs point to “Yes!”
2. NBA Players Get their Balls Back – After being stripped of their balls (so to speak), NBA players finally spoke up against the Stern regime and got their cojones back (again, so to speak). After spending 3 months playing with a genetically created basketball that was stem cell researched cloned, David Stern caved into the NBA players request for the return of the all-natural leather ball. A basketball made from a once living and breathing creature. Is there any other way to play the game?
1. The Brawl at Madison Square Garden – I will admit that the very ignant side of me appreciates this “black eye” on the NBA. But come on, it was more gangsta than the Jehri Curl was in Compton back in the 90’s. “Everyone Hates” Nate Robinson was keeping it thorough like the Brooklyn borough on that hard wood floor. That is until he got “clipped.” Whoever hit him with that clipboard is a M’fing surgeon with the clipboards. By no means was this as entertaining as the Auburn “Hamburger” Hills brawl, but I takes whatever entertainment I can get.
Un-Gangsta Moments of 2006
5. Tom Cruise Does the Young Joc Dance – Watching Tom Cruise reaching out to Negros and Latinos and trying to gain minority fans now that he’s alienated his white fan base with his Scientology rants was about as sad as Barry Bonds dry snitchin’ on his teammate about the drugs he took. Tom is like a one man Jehova’s Witness for Scientology, ain’t he? Trying to recruit all of Hollywood? And how you gonna go on BET and do the Young Joc, and then turn around and not invite Oprah to your wedding?
4. Bush Sends 20,000 More Troops to Iraq – I know that happened this month, but it still sucks ass. Sending 20,000 more troops into Iraq is like sending 20,000 kids to Michael Jackson’s house in hopes that they’ll slow down the pouring of his “Jesus Juice” and finally bring peace to the Never Ever Land Ranch. G-Dub is like Darth Sideous in Star Wars or Buffalo Bill from The Silence of The Lambs. “It ruuubs the lotion on its skiiin or else it gets the hose again.”
3. Carmelo’s Sucka Punch – What a punk move. Melo’s supposed to be reppin’ B-More but the B he reppin’ must stand for Beyatch! Plus that punch was mad weak. That s–t was more outdated than all those ya mama jokes on that whack ass “Yo Momma!” show. God I hate that show. But really, Melo, how you gonna run from a fight? And from a midget fight at that. How proud do you think La La is right now that her man’s a punk? I thought she was Sucker Free on weekends?
2. Britney Spears… Shaved! – Man, I’ve been waiting for this moment since Britney first stepped on the scene with her pigtails and school girl skirt. But you know what they say: be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. And from the look of the pics, it seemed as if everybody got it. LOL. Her ish looked like the “I” on the Crooked I beer. I was like “Ew!” I mean she divorces her corny ass wannabe rapper husband and paints the town red with the whore of Babylon herself, Paris The Prayin’ Mantis Hillton. Running’ around with no underwear while her kids are being babysat by an anonymous person. Really though, Britney became the epitome of the term “Trailer Park Trash.” Forget Anna Nicole Smith. She’s muthaf–kin’ Ivanna Trump compared to this train wreck of a woman.
1. I Lost My Job – I was dropped from my job at XXL right before New Years last year (2005). So all I did in ’06 was freelance and chill on the block. I should’ve reviewed like a thousand movies this year, but I just felt mentally drained for some reason. I toyed with the idea of getting into the porn industry, but I heard you have to do gay porn before you do straight. Needless to say, I stuck with unemployment. Maybe this year things will pick up though. I just got my first ever credit card (Platinum Capitol One card. $300 spending limit with only a 1000 % interest rate. BAAAALLIIIIIN!!!!!) and the Yankees got Andy Pettitte back. Maybe ’07 will be the young God’s year. I’ll keep y’all posted.
71 Responses to “The Gangsta and Un-Gangsta Moments of 2006”
Jan.17 at 1:08 pm
Lang Whitaker says:
Tear that credit card up, dude.
Jan.17 at 1:24 pm
Bryant Caraway says:
Hey Omar, welcome back. I’ve missed reading your reviews. Your reviews from back in the day inspired me to start my own review blog. I rate each movie out of 5 Chicago Bulls from the Championship days with (on occasion) a brief comparison to a game from the ‘96 72 win season. It’s amazing how you can make movies relate to a basketball game. I’ve been slacking lately, but with your return, maybe I’ll get back into it.
Jan.17 at 1:43 pm
ajpenny says:
Aside from Skillz’s 06 wrap up that was the best year in review I’ve seen. Hold ya head on that J.O. situation. One -
Jan.17 at 1:54 pm
TheHype says:
Oh my jebus, this is some good stuff, Omar is the best…
Jan.17 at 2:17 pm
ChiPrincess says:
Ok I can’t stop laughing. Carmelo’s sucka punk (The most ungangsta thing in ‘06). You are one funny cat. The realest ‘06 review ever done.
Jan.17 at 2:41 pm
gcm says:
good to have u back O…
Jan.17 at 2:49 pm
KAY says:
Hysterical Omar! You just kicked off 2007…
Jan.17 at 2:59 pm
Latino HeyZeus says:
Omar brings the real talk every time out. I know 2007 will be yours..it’s there for the taking. peace, HeyZeus
Jan.17 at 2:59 pm
Sparker says:
“and from a midget fight at that.” priceless.
Jan.17 at 3:18 pm
bosborne says:
word to lang; dead the plastic. and keep doing your thing. you’re WAY too good to be down for long.
Jan.17 at 3:18 pm
Hdottt says:
Omar, keep your head up, kid. 07 will be better for you. On that note,I hate David Stern and MElo is a punk indeed.
Jan.17 at 3:19 pm
Ryan Jones says:
O!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jan.17 at 3:21 pm
Khalid Salaam says:
Genius, pure Genius
Jan.17 at 3:36 pm
Omar says:
Good lookin’ yall. Damn right i’ma do it up this year. Bet that!
Jan.17 at 3:41 pm
Rich says:
You G you was wilding for the night on the Melo comment. He did go out like a hoe. How you gone sucker punch somebody and then back pedal 90 feet like that was the thing to do?
Jan.17 at 3:45 pm
Rich says:
Say Fool, just cause ya’ll got Petite dont mean the tide gone turn. —-St. Louis Cardinals 2006 World Champs—-
Jan.17 at 3:51 pm
Sam Rubenstein says:
Great work as always O. You know Timberlake is “allegedly” giving it to Scarlett now though, right?
Jan.17 at 3:57 pm
Omar says:
Britney, Cameron, Scarlett - they all just fronts like bodegas that have three items on the shelves while there’s reinforced steel and bullet proof glass at the counter.
Jan.17 at 4:14 pm
a.d.i.r.a.b says:
Yo Omar for president!… O do u think Obama and Hillary have a shot ! C’mon the white man will never allow a black man in the white house and definately not a woman ! White men across the country will FLIP APE SHIT !
Jan.17 at 4:15 pm
TAmikah-Raye says:
XXL mad a huge mistake….They don’t kno what they’re missin!…Yur Reviews are Real as well as Humorous..Can’t Wait 4 the Next one O’!
Jan.17 at 4:15 pm
Shiz says:
Good to have ya back fam. 06 sucked for everyone. Great wrap-up, though…On point. Specially with the Carmelo aka Trackstar Number 15 incident…He reminded me of a young Jim Jones at a certain Rucker Park event…Im just sayin… And as far as Britney’s beat up beaver…I’d rather watch the Director’s Cut of The Covenant…with the commentaries…Crooked letter “I” is pretty acurate…I was thinking day old taco meat…in a stale tortilla shell
Jan.17 at 4:28 pm
RonMexico says:
arenas wears an O on his jersey for you omar. keep it real while you’re watching the wire*. * “the wire” is code for “desperate housewives”
Jan.17 at 4:44 pm
sush carter says:
SLAM: hire my boy
Jan.17 at 4:44 pm
Omar says:
Real talk, best case scenario, Hilary chooses Obama as a runnin’ mate or vice versa. That way would be assassins would have their work cut out for them. Kill the woman, have a black man president. Kill the black man, have a woman for president. Na’mean. Now should they both be killed on some bullsh*t, then you know it’s time for the Revolution.
Jan.17 at 5:26 pm
a.d.i.r.a.b says:
thats what i was thinkin but they might put them on a plane together and shoot that shit doooooooooown ! or some other freak accident or they might find sum freaky as pix of hillary and Lang Whitaker in bed or obama from back in the day when he use to bang !
Jan.17 at 5:38 pm
Khalid Salaam says:
is everybody on this blog a democrat? don’t be fooled. john mccain wouldn’t be bad either. anybody but but guilani. he’s 666
Jan.17 at 5:42 pm
boston's finest says:
your in my prayers Omar in 07. hopefully everything turn’s out good and that you’ll be fully blessed!
Jan.17 at 5:44 pm
Soulrise says:
Good to have you back Omar. Before you started doin movie reviews I never listened to critics because I always disagreed with them. But you’re the ONLY critic who I’ve ever had a 100% agreement rate with. Hope you do more soon.
Jan.17 at 5:45 pm
Ash says:
Omar does it once again…holla at ya girl!
Jan.17 at 6:18 pm
Shiz says:
Wow, O. I was thinkin the same exact thing with Obama and Hilary…and the Revolution…though it won’t be televised…it’ll probably end up on Youtube
Jan.17 at 6:33 pm
Max Airington says:
That St Ides ish had me dying over here. Very sorry you lost your job, but you can freelance for me. And by that I mean I’ll give you $5 to send me funny emails…
Jan.17 at 6:45 pm
Slobodan Chutzpah says:
Outstanding, O, outstanding. However, the Tom Crazee dance routine on BET, although perhaps pretty ungangsta, was still the most head-explodingly hilarious thing I saw in 2006.
Jan.17 at 6:54 pm
Matthew says:
O, great column but 3000 said he can’t trust you if you say real talk. Now go on and walk it out in 07!!!
Jan.17 at 6:59 pm
Omar says:
$5 an email, 10 jokes a day, $50 a day = $250 a week. Will that be check or cash, Max?
Jan.17 at 7:04 pm
David says:
Welcome back, Omar. Don’t worry about XXL, that magazine sold out a long time ago. And the Slam guys can’t give you any kind of job? The way it seems to work is, hang out with them for a few years and then they make you the editor…
Jan.17 at 8:43 pm
Patrick says:
omar love the mixtape reviews, i just wish they tapes could be get to be got up in canada.
Jan.17 at 9:11 pm
James says:
Tom Cruise dancing looks like he’s on drug. got the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlX-6WRZKKE. much funnier was pat riley doing it at the finals celebration. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MF6el2kBSrA&eurl=
Jan.17 at 10:05 pm
truce says:
mccain would’ve been good until he started sucking up to the same people who dissed him in SC in 2000
Jan.17 at 10:19 pm
Max Airington says:
We’re a small publication, consisting of me and whoever happens to be over at my apartment. How about $20 and the Kardashian sex tape?
Jan.17 at 10:59 pm
Chris says:
Khalid, I don’t think it’s that everybody’s a democrat, I think everybody’s just tired of the republicans f**king up. (see mid-term elections)
Jan.17 at 11:32 pm
Drolfe says:
‘Forget Anna Nicole Smith. She’s muthaf–kin’ Ivanna Trump compared to this train wreck of a woman.’
That’s gold.
Jan.17 at 11:34 pm
Drolfe says:
And so is this:
‘Sending 20,000 more troops into Iraq is like sending 20,000 kids to Michael Jackson’s house in hopes that they’ll slow down the pouring of his “Jesus Juice” and finally bring peace to the Never Ever Land Ranch.’
*applaudes*
Jan.18 at 12:00 am
David says:
Max, if Slam is just whoever is at your apartment, does slamonline consist of anyone that’s willing to play Madden with Lang?
Jan.18 at 12:36 am
Lang Whitaker says:
Pretty much. We’d hire Omar if he’d get off his butt and do some work.
Jan.18 at 1:05 am
Max Airington says:
I dont work here!
Jan.18 at 3:17 am
Omar says:
Lang, you wouldn’t hire me if I aint had a butt to sit on and handed something in everyday. So stop humma stuntin’.
Jan.18 at 4:23 am
Odin says:
Omar is the man!!!!!!!!!!!!! …..Melo is the woman.
Jan.18 at 4:27 am
Tony Parker says:
Hey Slam, u guyz r punks!!! Omar is the best since Scoop!!! hire that muthafucka b-fore we pull a boycott, kill ya careers like 50 did Ja
Jan.18 at 5:21 am
bja says:
Welcome back Omar. I’m definitely stealing your joke about more troops being sent to the Neverland Ranch.
Jan.18 at 11:02 am
malc says:
glad to hear from you again omar. i get all my best slang from your column.
Jan.18 at 1:34 pm
Omar says:
Nah Tony, Slam ain’t punkz. Those my dudes over there. I got much love and respect for them. Thanks for the love though. Much appreciated.
Jan.18 at 2:20 pm
Noe says:
omar that was some funny as s#%t bout the brawl in madison!
Jan.18 at 4:50 pm
caputo says:
Tom Cruise…so un-gangsta!
Jan.18 at 5:45 pm
illydiva says:
Excellent column, O. 2007 is your year! Claim it and make it so.
Jan.18 at 8:30 pm
winston and the telescreen says:
nice
I liked it
start to finish
Jan.19 at 9:00 am
snyper 48 says:
O,you da shiznit, Im a long time reader from Angola (Africa)and lemme tell u this, you are the best writer on the internets along with Tara Henley from XXL, u should go independent and start your own ish, we need you.Lang,Khalid,Sam’rom and Ryan you good too…
Jan.19 at 10:14 am
Boing Dynasty says:
Snyper: master of the back handed complement. Tara Henley, yuck.
Jan.19 at 12:44 pm
benny t says:
go back to brooklyn and commit a crime…or do gay porn. what up omar!? Long time no speak.
Feb.18 at 3:34 am
BUM says:
You probably don’t get into porn ’cause yo d*cki is to small.
Feb.18 at 3:35 am
BUM says:
You probably don’t get into porn ’cause yo d*ck is to small.
Feb.19 at 4:24 pm
tsmith7791 says:
I thought Omar was gonna make a comeback this year?
Feb.21 at 5:21 pm
Omar says:
I reviewed Ghost Rider, but Sam is taking hammers to post it.
Feb.21 at 5:33 pm
Sam Rubenstein says:
“Hammers” is not catching on. I’ll see you at The White Rapper show party on Monday night… if you’re not to scared to go to Park Slope.
Feb.26 at 8:14 pm
Harlem_World says:
On the real? Omar you need your own website/blog. Stop bullshittin and make it happen. ALOT of people would be all over it, and you’d take back control of your career. You know it makes sense son. Make It Happen.
Mar.3 at 11:13 am
flYellO says:
O
you world wide son, stop runnin late and do the right thing. Give yo peeplz what they askin for. Mind over Matter.
Mar.11 at 9:09 pm
ak-47 says:
YO, nice to have you back Omar, I find all your reviews funny and always a great read. As for britney, what’s next, maybe shaving her sluty pu&&y.
Mar.14 at 11:07 am
Ian says:
I am a huge Nuggets fan and a Carmelo fan. but that punch made him lose a ton of street cred.
Aug.6 at 10:43 pm
{*J0K3R*} says:
AYYYY im from Denver i rep the 303 Nuggets all the way baby, but that punch made me so asamed of Melo. But ur not suppose to be fightin in a NBA game, but if u do make it a good punch!!LOL I still look up to him as a balla though.
May.2 at 6:38 pm
dougi says:
melo wasted the knicks
he was gonna punch nate rob
and marbury and all em knicks
players dude man, get your money melo
and stop crying like a bitch man,
May.2 at 6:48 pm
dougi says:
man the knicks got punked
outta the playoffs man,.
Jun.24 at 3:14 pm
sean says:
Melo got press all over him so he doesnt want any more commentary on the matter more comments = a law suit to Slam I am melos agent so I want the = rights i will write back when i get a number of melos so you can tell him all you want GOODBYE