A Christmas with Eli
football is dead
By Sam Rubenstein
I’m at my girlfriend’s family’s house in Connecticut. Don’t have a lot of time to write this. Am taking the 26th off. It’s been a rough past few days. Yesterday I watched the Cowboys lose to the Eagles, giving Philly a 3 game sweep of the NFC East on the road. I still hate the Boys more than any other team in sports, but because of Khalid and my friend Liz, the Eagles are a close second. All of Lang’s teams are third. So the Eagles are going to win the NFC East. Man, do I hate Khalid Salaam.
But I’d like to share a little Christmas moment with you all. Not that I celebrate Christmas.
On Saturday night, the 23rd, I went out to a bar and had more to drink than I should have. The next day, Christmas Eve, I found myself in a friend’s basement watching the Giants-Saints game. Late in the first half, with the Giants clinging to a 7-6 lead, I felt a little woozy from the drinking combined with playing a touch football game without anything in my system except some water. I stepped out to go get a slice of pizza. Started feeling dizzy…
Reached down to tie my shoe and threw up all over the block. Disgusting. My first time vomiting from alcohol in about 2 years.
In hindsight, maybe that happened as a sort of excorsist-like warning about the future. The Giants collectively gagged and tossed their cookies even worse than I did. The way they quit on the season and their coach was totally humiliating. I am embarrased to have ever worn a blue shirt, let alone a Giants shirt or hat. The vomit that dripped from my mouth was the perfect symbolism for what this team has put me through. I kneeled there on the street, feeling like a dirtbag. And yet, this would be the least repulsive moment of the day.
I didn’t watch much of the second half. I was in bed, trying to get rid of a hangover with the game on the radio. At least 15-year veteran Bob Whitfield only got called for 30 yards worth of disciplinary pnealites. Nice work Tommy Boy. You run a tight ship.
Fire Coughlin. Cut Tiki today so he can’t retire with “dignity.” Get Strahan away from Jared from Subway before they fall too deeply in love. Use a laser to take off all of Shockey’s tattoos, then use that laser on his face. Use Plaxi Lady’s visor like a gag on his mouth. Fire Coughlin again.
There are dozens of other players and front office types I’m pissed off at, but most imporantly, young Elisha Manning…
You disgust me. I hate your face. The only thing you are good at is having the last name “Manning.” Other than that, you are dead to me.
The Giants aren’t even mathematically eliminated. The final insult will come when they make the playoffs and have to play a road game in Philly.
I hate this team so much.
Merry Christmas everyone.
18 Responses to “A Christmas with Eli”
Dec.26 at 3:13 pm
Dblizzy! says:
So you’re saying you had a good weekend…?
Dec.26 at 3:15 pm
Cheryl says:
Damn, Sam! Maybe not drink so much next time, yes? I hope you’re feeling better tomorrow. Did you catcc the Flash beat down of Kobe yesterday? That should have bought a little joy, no?
Dec.26 at 4:04 pm
Rome says:
You should’ve celebrated Festivus, it’ll help you feel better.
Dec.26 at 4:22 pm
pawnograffiti says:
Don’t worry Sam i was going through the same thoughts as you way back in October!
I support the Raiders
PS: You could always jump on the Jets bandwagon brother, least there mediocracy of the last 10 years will never let you down (They’ve been headed no where but up!)
Dec.26 at 4:23 pm
See Bee Fore says:
If it makes you feel better an elderly family bought me an Eli Manning jersey for Christmas. Thankfully, I have obtained the receipt. Hallelujah!
Dec.26 at 4:54 pm
Andrew says:
Sam, I feel your NFC east pain. I’m a Redskins fan, and if any team has been disappointing, it’s them. On the upside, Jason campbell’s future looks bright and maybe we can get all of this confusion worked out.
Dec.26 at 5:11 pm
Noyd says:
Sam, say it with me…. E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES!!!!! I was at the Meadowlands 2 weeks ago for the Birds-Giants game, man was that a great game. Some cool Giants fans, some not so cool, but one thing was constant: The great feeling of beating Big Blue in their own house…Sorry dude.
Dec.26 at 6:01 pm
Ben Collins says:
I’ve got an idea! Let’s run an inside handoff to Tiki on 2nd and short again instead of throwing it deep to our two burners! That’ll work! Tom Coughlin is the worst coach I have ever seen in my life. And I was a Celtics fan during the M.L. Carr era. There is no other way to explain this. He’s horrid. The O-line makes more mistakes than I thought was humanly possible. Plaxico doesn’t care. Strahan was, apparently, making commercials while he was out with an injury and he came back treating reporters like scum of the Earth. I’m a Tiki apologist — but he was a distraction. Plaxico gave up. I can’t complain about Jacobs, but that’s probably only because he gets the ball once every fifteen offensive plays. Which is a problem in and of itself. And Eli. Jesus. This team is revolting. It’s absolutely unfixable. They make me want yearn for absolute failure each week. And, you know what? They’re still going to make the f-ing playoffs. I hate parity.
Dec.26 at 7:05 pm
Noyd says:
Oh yea, I’ve also gotta say, Plax is SOFT! He could easily be a top 7 receiver in the NFL. Plex-i-glass is the perfect name for him, he breaks/shatters when things get tough. It’s just frustrating seeing wasted talent, and this is coming from an Eagles fan.
Dec.26 at 8:53 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Thank God for the NFL. After all, nothing has happened in basketball over the past few days worth posting.
Dec.26 at 9:47 pm
IRVBX says:
hey all we gotta do is beat the skins and we’re in ,even though we don’t deserve to go into the playoffs. i think we should lock eli in a room with peyton and have them watch tapes of the colts offense.
Dec.26 at 10:00 pm
Sam Rubenstein says:
ryan, your anti-american anti-football anti-baseball dictatorship is over.
Irv, I don’t want to beat the Skins or go to the playoffs. That could potentially save some people’s jobs and I don’t want that. This is not the most senstive P.C. thing to say, but if the GIants team plane crashed and everyone died and they made a movie about it called “We are Giants”, I wouldn’t go see it.
Plaxico. What a punk. During the game Pam Oliver reported that he said “I’m going to play with a chip on my shoulder cause it’s ridiculous that someone of my caliber didn’t make the pro bowl.”
To the raiders fan… at least you have a history of wild characters and zaniness and penalties. We’re supposed to be boring and solid. Nobody on the good teams - Bavaro, LT, Simms, Banks, Morris, O.J. Anderson etc. ever self-promoted as much as Tiki/Strahan. I can’t wait for next year when nobody gives a crap about what Tiki thinks.
Dec.26 at 10:29 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
People give a crap about what Tiki thinks now?
Dec.26 at 10:44 pm
gioforeal says:
I feel you.By the way,what’s an excorsist?Is it someone who used to attach corsets?Incidentally,when Strahan was “ex”coriating that reporter ,was it the teriyaki chicken sub he was eating?
Dec.27 at 12:53 am
» The Links: Checking In… - SLAM Online says:
[…] • Worst part of the weekend was atching the Falcons/Panthers game. Painful. Sam had a rough time watching the Giants, and I can really commiserate with him. The Falcons were completely toothless on offense, even though the Panthers ran the ball 52 times (52 times!) the Falcons defense seemed surprised each time the Panthers lined up and ran it at them. I hope Falcons owner Arthur Blank is as ticked off as I am and he cleans house. And Mike Vick needs a girlfriend or something — he seems completely joyless out there, like football is no fun for him whatsoever. You’d think he could at least pretend to enjoy football a few Sundays each year. […]
Dec.27 at 2:25 am
Sam Rubenstein says:
an excorsist is a typo.
And when I say people give a crap about what tiki says, I mean that he is given the forum to speak because of the novelty of him being a pro football “star” who aspires to become Ryan Seacrest. I read the espn the magazine feature about him, where he said “I want to become a conduit of knowledge.” Shut your mouth and conduit the damn ball.
Dec.27 at 6:23 pm
The Crack Staff @ Perkisabeast.com says:
Sam,
You are always welcome in the Beast Lair. We keep the bucket brigade around just for moments like this…
Jan.19 at 3:15 am
Andy F says:
You said the final insult will be when we play the Eagles on the road. I too wrote in my blog how we are going to be served warm porridge, where the porridge is not so cold that we can get rid of Coughlin, and not too hot where we actually had a competitive team. So we somehow made the playoffs with an 8-8 record and they kept that loser.
Andy F
http://ultimatenyg.blogspot.com