The Haiku Preview
Forecasting every team’s exact record, with a haiku to boot and some outside perspectives.
Feel free to add your own in the comments section–all season long. Thanks to Lang for letting me jack his idea, Sam for the planning and Mutoni for the contact info. And if you’re a blogger that was offended that I contacted you via massive dislist, sorry, I’ll try harder next time. Promise.
ATLANTIC DIVISION
New Jersey Nets: 52-30
New point-god a steal
Swamp: DUDE YOU’RE GETTING A DELL!
I’m going to hell
New York Knicks: 38-44
Some shoot-first point guards
And a think-second head coach
Mild, useless step up
Boston Celtics: 37-45
Can Doc change diapers?
Ryan “Underwear” Gomes aside
He’s still in deep shit
Toronto Raptors: 35-47
Slam is huge up north
After Sam Mitchell is gone
The Raps can join us
Adam Francis notes:
HQ’s coverage
Smooth like a CB4 J
Finds nothing but net
Pure Raps coverage
Number one like Bargnani
Not like Araujo
Chris Bosh interviewer Ben Osborne notes:
Raptors want to run
and gun; better hope Bosh’s
heel is a-okay
Philadelphia 76ers: 34-48
Iverson needs help
Philly longs for the ugly
Of Tyrone Hill’s face
Troy Smith pass defender, Ben Osborne, seems to agree:
Iverson alone
again. Time for the Sixers
to start over. Now.
CENTRAL DIVISION
Cleveland Cavaliers: 54-28
Screens set by Sideshow
Bron wins hardware, highlights screen
In future slideshow
Chicago Bulls: 53-29
Ben’s a Bull. PJ too.
Benny the Bull now sleepy
Benny Benadryl
King of the court, Ben Osborne, asks a very relevant question:
Kirk, BG, Big Ben
are nice; but will Scott Skiles
be too annoying?
Detroit Pistons: 48-34
Nazr Mohammed
At center? Flip, game over.
Without fro, no Dice.
Picks aside, Natalie Sitto gets technical:
No Tolerance Techs
Another Sheed Wallace Rule
Rasheed’s In Trouble
Sheedtastic is he
He likes to make guarantees
The pride of the D
Pacers Basketball
Brawls Strippers Guns Drugs and Thugs
Indiana Pride
Indiana Pacers: 38-44
Strippers, guns and cars
Or haymakers during brawls
“Wodie” is gangsta
Milwaukee Bucks: 24-58
Villanu-era
In cheese land. But the central
Is full of villains
Sam Kirchner of 5-Point Bucks writes:
Look, if Gadzuric
doesn’t get into some games,
I’m going to scream
Ruben Patterson,
Registered sex offender
yes, but he can play
C. Bell should pull a
“Cozad” and stab Mo in the
leg so he can start
SOUTHEAST DIVISION
Miami Heat: 49-33
Zo gets his big ring
Zo gets his big shining bling
So Zo gets nothing
Washington Wizards: 43-39
“Being a leader,
It’s hard cause I’m so goofy.”
Those words are rare air.
(If he’s not the official player of the Links, he can at least be this season’s official Middle Man, or the head of middle management.)
Bethlehem Shoals adds:
More WaPo Gilbert
Is he the only one?
Buy our new t-shirt.
Orlando Magic: 42-40
Unleash the dark side
Dwight makes space, Serb makes some waves
Shoals is a proud dad
Charlotte Bobcats: 33-49
This team is run by
Money. Funny, they can’t spend
dough till next summer
Shoals adds his abstract prognostication:
Gerald, fear not fate
A bitch is a bitch, time says
Morrison lacks punch
Atlanta Hawks: 30-52
Freebird lyric goes:
”And this bird you can not change.”
Lang, Myung: Sorry.
Speaking of Lang, the don of this web ish writes:
Atlanta Hawks fly
Sometimes not very high though
Billy Knight, haircut?
Ben’s many haikus
Probably about Mark Jax
I have too much work
NORTHWEST
Denver Nuggets: 42-40
Mountains and Melo
Waiting on George Karl’s meltdown
But the northwest sucks
Minnesota Timberwolves: 40-42
He’s mentally ill
From Amityville. Mike James
(Who!) Get KG the pill!
Utah Jazz: 39-43
He robs a blind man
Prince stays at his crib. Lawsuit!
Boozing, but who cares?
Seattle Supersonics: 31-51
Robert Swift tatted
In Oklahoma City?
Topsy Turvey world
Portland Trailblazers: 21-61
A year spent growing
Get those Miles out the way
Future Dividends
PACIFIC
Phoenix Suns: 50-32
Rising Phoenix or
Setting Sun. Cliches abound
As Nash and co. run.
Sacramento Kings: 46-36
Ron Ron is hungry
Bonzi is the lunch special
Playoffs for dinner
More Ron-Ron from SLAM’s college basketball guru, Ben Osborne.
Ron Artest, feuding
four men and a drunk-driving
coach—whither the Kings?
LA Clippers: 45-37
Huge testicles dance
And Elton Brand’s diligence
Better than Lakers
LA Lakers: 44-38
A swagger jacking
Number changer could be the
Best player alive
Golden State Warriors: 31-51
A Mike Dunleavy
Face is worth a thousand words.
Like “constipated”
Hash from Golden State of Mind keeps it flowing
The Arena stirs.
Nellie has entered our midst.
Warriors return…
while Dave Isaacs of The City (Warriors) sticks with the gritty Oak-town poop faces:
please wish us well, folks
we need luck. ‘cause here comes
one more year of suck.
with coach don nelson,
we’ll conjure run tmc
but lose by thirty
SOUTHWEST
San Antonio Spurs: 59-23
No Longoria
Will they settle for any less
Than a fourth title
Matthew Powell of pounding the rock, a Spurs blog, adds:
Parker runs the Spurs
with graceful ferocity
despite Frenchieness
Pop claims wine passion
but based on dreadful warddrobe?
just another drunk
Duncan is boring
but you know off the court he
gets women like woah
Dallas Mavericks: 57-25
Mad Dirk kicks the bike
Bygones are “bye” and “gone” but…
That was not a foul
New Orleans Hornets: 41-41
Chris Paul runs this team
Desmond Mason funs this team
Playoffs stun this team
Matt Fleischman, soon-to-be owner of a Charlotte Hornets turnstile, writes:
Hurt, Peja, Tyson
Simmons and Armstrong round one?
Paul legally drunk.
while Ron Hitley of Hornets 24-7 writes:
Chris Paul cures cancer
He also walks on water
Dude is Jesus, dig?
Baron Davis plays
Baron Davis gets injured
Same shit, diff’rent year.
The team with two homes
Their heart is in New Orleans
Or so we are told
Houston Rockets: 39-43
Mac back? His Back cracked?
Rested Yao needs to attack
Bench won’t cut ‘em slack
Shoals:
Marie Antoinette,
I saw it through a fever.
T-Mac, please don’t die.
Memphis Grizzlies: 35-47
Que mala suerte:
Lesión en verano
Que te mejores…
(What bad luck
Summer injury…
Hope you get better)
EAST:
1) Cavs
2) Nets
3) Bulls
4) Heat
5) Pistons
6) Wizards
7) Magic
8) Pacers
9) Knicks
10) Celtics
11) Raptors
12) Sixers
13) Bobcats
14) Hawks
15) Bucks
WEST
1) Spurs
2) Mavs
3) Suns
4) Kings
5) Clippers
6) Lakers
7) Nuggets
8) Hornets
9) Rockets
10 T-Wolves
11) Jazz
12) Grizzlies
13) Sonics
14) Warriors
15) Blazers
Conference Finals
Heat over Nets in 6
Spurs over Mavs in 6
Finals
Spurs over Heat in 6
It should go without saying but the comments section is for any real criticism/intelligent discourse about my picks. I’ll gladly explain why I picked certain teams to finish with the records I predicted.
And like I mentioned at the top, I’m also encouraging you to submit your own haikus in the comments section. Those with exceptional submissions will win the incredible honor of paying my college loans. THANKS!
Also worth noting: I predicted exact records because I want to see if I should pursue a career in gambling.
And I made my picks before I saw the GM survey. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a secretary, but um…
43 Responses to “The Haiku Preview”
Nov.1 at 1:00 pm
rob stewart says:
bulls vs suns
Nov.1 at 1:10 pm
timduncan_rocks100 says:
I really don’t get you guys, a few days ago you predict the spurs to finsish 2nd in their division, then all of the sudden you predict them to finish first in the west. Sorry if i’m the only one that finds this confusing.
Nov.1 at 1:16 pm
Myung says:
LOL. I can’t believe my name is part of the Hawks Haiku. I love it…
Nov.1 at 1:23 pm
Ryan Jones says:
Dear TimDuncan’s1000Rocks,
No need to apologize, but hopefully this will help: There are roughly 784 different bloggers/columnists represented on this website at any given time. As ever, the *official* SLAM predictions are those you find in the actual magazine. Everything else is here to entertain and provoke discussion, seemingly contradictory “predictions” included. Well, that, and to give Myung a chance to reach his weekly word-count quota — seriously, dude, what did you do before we had a comments section?
Nov.1 at 1:27 pm
rdp says:
“swagger jackin, number changer”
….no ur not kobe haters at all
Nov.1 at 1:28 pm
rdp says:
……….www.kb24.com……….
Nov.1 at 1:29 pm
Max Airington says:
In Minnesota
Winter howls through the late night
We call them trade winds…..
Nov.1 at 1:32 pm
Kevin says:
No Vince or Babcock
But Superman draped in Boss
We’re one heel away.
Nov.1 at 1:52 pm
Max Airington says:
Lights were out in LA.
The Sun rose and set quickly.
Kobe sees the light?
Nov.1 at 1:58 pm
Myung says:
Ryan, I’ve been writing like 5 comments a week these days. Cracking on me about my comments is, like, so 2 months ago, Editor In Chief.
Nov.1 at 2:03 pm
Lang Whitaker says:
Don’t let Ryan bring you down, Myung. At least until he writes a second blog post, that is…
Nov.1 at 2:07 pm
Max Airington says:
Ninety-nine free throws, Damn.
Jordan talk is blasphemous.
Suns will provide heat.
Nov.1 at 2:10 pm
Kevin says:
It could be the Knicks
But my money’s on the Hawks
Who gets Greg Oden?
Nov.1 at 2:52 pm
the brown guy says:
hahaah, this is another classic moment that only slam could pull off. loving the aqua teen hunger force
Nov.1 at 3:18 pm
Jake Appleman says:
RDP, You seemed to forget the rest of the haiku: “Might be the best player alive.” Also for more perspective check out my Pretty Tonys post entitled “DEFENDING MAMBA”. Human beings are complex and many people fall into the trap of either liking something or hating something when the answer always lies in between. People are complicated and so is the standard by which we judge them. For example: Kobe Bryant. To paraphrase Chris Rock, “Anybody who makes a decision before looking at the issue is a fucking moron.”
Nov.1 at 3:19 pm
Jake Appleman says:
Max, If you keep this up, we might have to tag team this next year.
Nov.1 at 3:38 pm
Max Airington says:
Commercials are fly.
Pressure’s on Gloria’s son.
Will he deliver?
Nov.1 at 3:45 pm
Max Airington says:
“Webber will cost you”,
said A.I.’s stylist about
Billy’s hair brained scheme.
Nov.1 at 3:58 pm
Max Airington says:
Vince in contract year.
Max him out or wait for Bron?
Jehovah’s witness?
Nov.1 at 3:59 pm
Jake Appleman says:
!
Nov.1 at 4:04 pm
Myung says:
Put Max on the payroll…
Nov.1 at 4:08 pm
Max Airington says:
Land of many lakes,
but too few championships.
Franchise to Cali? Again?
Nov.1 at 4:22 pm
Jake Appleman says:
it’s a process. do what you want. but know that it’s appreciated.
Nov.1 at 4:23 pm
Max Airington says:
I have to go to work, but these are fun.
Nov.1 at 4:32 pm
Ryan Jones says:
That’s three posts on this column alone, Myung. Don’t make me take out a calculator.
Nov.1 at 4:38 pm
Jake Appleman says:
NUH-UH! NO HE DI’ANT!
Nov.1 at 4:43 pm
Jake Appleman says:
well, keep at it later if you’d like.
Nov.1 at 6:07 pm
Ben says:
Dear Lang… The excellence of
Mark Jackson is obvious
No need to cheerlead
Nov.1 at 11:36 pm
Max Airington says:
Okay, so I got bored at work. Forgive the flood…. Karl will surely see
all the Nuggets in the world
won’t make Kenyon Melo. (six syllables. so what. blame it on the weed joke…)
Nov.1 at 11:36 pm
Max Airington says:
Gil slept on too long.
But what about those free throws?
Kind of a big deal.
Nov.1 at 11:37 pm
Max Airington says:
Penny is long gone,
JJ far from dynomite
Good Times for Dwight?
Nov.1 at 11:38 pm
Max Airington says:
Ron Ron far from home,
but no closer to a chip.
Muss, make him a drink….
Nov.1 at 11:39 pm
Max Airington says:
Overpay Johnson,
then they choose to pass on Paul
Why do Hawks bother?
Nov.1 at 11:39 pm
Max Airington says:
Gyrating asses
bought Bob a team, one bad ’stache
could bring it under.
Nov.1 at 11:43 pm
Max Airington says:
Another bridge burned.
Severance pay spent on douche?
Good riddance. Go Knicks.
Nov.1 at 11:50 pm
Max Airington says:
Many comments made,
practically became blog
only Myung teased.
Nov.1 at 11:51 pm
Max Airington says:
I need a f*cking haiku support group.
Nov.2 at 1:38 am
James Chan says:
The Miami Heat,
Beat by forty-two by Bulls,
Shaq needs to retire.
Nov.2 at 1:45 am
James Chan says:
The New York Knicks suck
Selfish ballhogs aplenty
See ya, Isiah
Nov.2 at 2:05 pm
Max Airington says:
No one else?
Nov.2 at 2:18 pm
Jake Appleman says:
Your verve and vitality, as I think Walt Clyde used to say, must have scared them off. Airington
Scaring them
Nov.2 at 2:34 pm
Max Airington says:
Sorry.
Nov.7 at 11:33 am
» Rambling along… - SLAM Online says:
[…] –I recognized when I made my picks that the Jazz were the team most likely to make me look bad for underestimating them. That said, I had no problem assuming that the Houston Rockets bandwagon was a rickety one. Though I’m still confused why the Slamonline advertising from SLAM 103 says that I wrote a column called “I have beef with the Houston Rockets and here’s why” right next to a Real Madrid logo. While I may not believe in their squad, let the record state that I have no beef with the Houston Rockets. Neither Tim Thomas nor Alonzo Mourning plays for them. […]