Jared Jeffries and Raw Fish.
Jared Jeffries, sliced, diced, and traded.
I was out with family this weekend and we went to a Japanese restaurant. As is usually the case with sushi, the entire lunch turned into a swap meet. Sushi holders at chow time are akin to stock traders. Trades were made and food made its way across the table faster than Leandro Barbosa.
If you like Sushi, you’ll probably agree that spicy tuna rolls normally top the taste buds chart. Unfortunately, this place thought that spicy tuna roll meant “tuna roll swimming in Tabasco sauce”. Acting like a GM, I started unloading the damaged rolls as if I was Isaiah Thomas giving away expiring contracts—kids, this is only a good idea when food is expiring, so keep that in mind.
At one point, I turned to my uncle, the only one eating sashimi (fish on the outside, rice on the inside—basically the inverse of sushi), and offered him one of my expiring spicy tuna rolls for a piece of yellowtail sashimi. Sage that he is, he scoffed immediately and demanded a piece of shrimp tempura as compensation.
I had no choice. Feeling like the aforementioned Zeke, I called him Ernie Grunfeld, and likened the deal to the Knicks overpaying for Jared Jeffries.
GM analogy from my perspective: I had had no sashimi and prior to signing Jared Jeffries the Knicks had no defense. Not that my stomach needed to overpay for sashmi; I was already getting full. Just like the Knicks didn’t need Jeffries.
This makes the spicy tuna roll he received Deshawn Stevenson.
GM analogy from his perspective: Stevenson’s fiery temper often works to his detriment, the basketball version of slathering raw fish with tabasco sauce. The shrimp tempura, naturally enhanced by the batter it is cooked in, can only be compared to increased production from Gilbert Arenas (statistically improves exponentially every year) and Caron Butler (looking to be healthy this year after dealing with thumb problems last year).
“Man, this deal was not fair!” I exclaimed, after making the Jeffries analogy.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “You’re getting the franchise.”
Knowing the depth of his Wizards fandom, I shot him a confused look. “I mean, I know the Knicks were bad last year, but…Jared Jeffries? The franchise?”
“No, I was referring to the sashimi.”
17 Responses to “Jared Jeffries and Raw Fish.”
Oct.16 at 4:07 pm
Dallas J. says:
Genius.
Oct.16 at 4:53 pm
sam says:
From my understanding, sahsimi is raw fish with no rice at all… just slices of raw fish. Raw fish on rice is still called sushi… often called nigiri sushi i think.
Oct.16 at 5:03 pm
Jake Appleman says:
i think you’re right, but restaurants call it sashimi–even when rice is underneath–to avoid confusion.
Oct.16 at 5:27 pm
Lang Whitaker says:
Although it would be cool if you could get raw fish with rice stuffed inside somehow.
Oct.16 at 5:56 pm
Jake Appleman says:
If they can infuse an inflation pin into a basketball, this can be done. I’ll be waiting with chopsticks.
Oct.16 at 7:42 pm
Waltonia says:
If you were Zeke you probably would have turned and unloaded the Sashimi for a can of Starkist and some day-old Calamari left over in the fridge at home.
Oct.16 at 8:00 pm
will says:
fyi, a piece of raw fish on top of rice is called “nigiri”.
sashimi is raw fish by itself.
Oct.16 at 9:20 pm
steve p says:
they could call fish stuffed with rice the whitaker.
Oct.16 at 11:59 pm
Mike says:
Knicks = fish. Woe is me to the third degree.
Oct.17 at 1:47 am
James Chan says:
Just found out that Jeffries broke his wrist. What you going to compare that to? The Knicks’ amazing streak of bad contracts continue…
Oct.17 at 1:55 am
Jake Appleman says:
Point taken, but I still don’t understand how you can get a “sashimi platter” if all you’re eating nigiri.
Oct.17 at 1:55 am
Jake Appleman says:
*is nigiri
Oct.17 at 1:57 am
Jake Appleman says:
James, That’s sad. I don’t want to compare it to anything just yet.
Oct.17 at 9:00 am
» Welcome to the big city Jared Jeffries - SLAM Online says:
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Oct.17 at 12:38 pm
Russ Bengtson says:
So wait, Isiah’s bringing in Yuta Tabuse?
Oct.17 at 3:59 pm
Jake Appleman says:
Russ, I had a whole section about Yuta that I left out because it would have fallen under the category of “trying too hard.”
Oct.17 at 5:55 pm
TrippleX says:
My top 5: Nash, Gasol, Dirk, AK47 and Kobe.