Being Gilbert Arenas
Agent Zero becomes even awesomer
At this point, it’s pretty hard to find a more enjoyable NBA personality than Gilbert Arenas, and after this Tom Chiarella piece in the latest issue of Esquire (via the great DC Sports Bog), it’s perfectly clear that Agent Zero is in a league of his own.
Here are some of the awesome things we discover in the profile:
- Arenas has been dreaming of playing hoops–a real full court game–on a desert island, with the fans circling the court “out in the waves”. The fans could either be swimming, riding jet skis, or simply lying on floats.
- According to Gil, if you have a dream where your teeth are falling out, it’s because someone is stabbing you in the back. Just so you know.
- He claims that in the five seasons he’s played in the NBA (which would mean well over 100 regular season road games), he has only left his hotel room six times. His reasoning? : “I think it came from my first year. I was so depressed that I wasn’t playing that I didn’t want to go out. I’m gonna stay and do sit-ups or jumping jacks. And I’m not gonna come out. Not till morning. There’s nothing out there for me. I don’t know those cities. I don’t know where to go. I don’t have any people. Other guys will be out, the steak house, the clubs, just rollin’. Me, I’m fine. Time is falling off. Sun’s coming up. I’m doing more sit-ups than the night before. I’ll watch three or four movies. I’ll watch infomercials. The last thing I bought was this colon cleanser. I just got talked into it. I’m like, Man, he makes it sound so good.” (Why do I not have this man’s jersey?!?!)
- Gilbert likes movies. A lot. In fact, he would like to collect all of the movies that have ever been made. No exceptions. On this particular day with the Esquire writer, he purchases a stack that goes all the way up to his chin. Titles include The Libertine, The Matador, and Basic Instinct 2.
- Some of the interview is conducted in Arenas’ bedroom while he plays two-man Halo.
- For the last three years, Gilbert Arenas has been sleeping on a couch in his bedroom because (take a deep breath here) he doesn’t like sharing his bed with women. Or as he put it, “I don’t like women all up on me.”
- Gil still has no clue how he missed those free throws in the Cavs series last season after Lebron whispered some trash to him, “But I don’t miss free throws. That’s the thing: I never miss free throws at the end.”
- I don’t know why, but of all the loony things Arenas says in the interview, this shocked me the most. Apparently, Gil is a pretty violent dude. He wrestles, tries to inflict pain, and bites! Oh, and he likes to play punching games with his teammates, “I’ll say, Look, you punch me in the stomach once, I’ll punch you in the stomach once. We’ll see who falls on the floor first.”
- Gil eats
welljunk: He eats a burger at least once a day when on the road. And he has an affinity for Canadian burgers, “I ate twelve of them in one night.”
- Whenever Agent Zero gets a new cell phone, he uses his home phone to fill it up with messages—”It’s me.” “It’s me.” “This is Gilbert.” “It’s me.” “It’s Gilbert”—so that no one else may leave a message. Perfectly sane thing to do, if you ask me.
- Gil’s former teammate Bobby Sura apparently likes to get his money nice and early. When discussing paychecks, Sura offered this glorious quote: “Mine says $5 million. I get mine up front.” Why, of course you do, Bob.
- Arenas hopes to build a basketball court made entirely of glass (walls and ceiling too!). The court will serve as an exhibit for his immense jersey collection, which is approaching a thousand.
- Our hero has an absolutely earth shattering idea for a shoe ad. You know how Adidas has those “Impossible is nothing” commercials, well, Gil would like to make a contribution: Instead of throwing his jersey into the crowd like he always does after home games, he would instead throw his shoes, and then the fans would scramble like mad literally throwing each other out of the way to get to the precious kicks. A little girl somehow manages to get a hold of the shoes, and she takes off running. A kid in a wheelchair then clotheslines her, grabs the shoes, and then delivers the ad’s punch line—“They said I couldn’t get it. Heh. Impossible is nothing.” I love Gilbert Arenas!
23 Responses to “Being Gilbert Arenas”
Oct.13 at 3:48 am
simon says:
amazing… dont know what to say other than reapeating the last line of the article..I (also) love Gilbert Arenas!
Oct.13 at 3:49 am
Froggiestyle says:
Marcel, great post. One Q tho - Colon-cleaner? Gilbert Powell? Colon Arenas? That must be why the chicas are always on him - that squeaky clean u no whut. Too friggin much.
Oct.13 at 3:52 am
simon says:
actually his idea of a full court game on a desert island could make for an interesting summer league
Oct.13 at 5:16 am
Boing Dynasty says:
uhh whats a Canadian burger?
Oct.13 at 6:00 am
zach says:
Well, that does it esquire, consider the re-up check in the mail. There is no way I can afford to miss articles like this. Gilbert, what a guy.
Oct.13 at 7:45 am
tbc says:
gil’s version of adidas ‘impossible is nothing’ commercial would be the best thing ever
Oct.13 at 8:02 am
Derms says:
The best part(s) of this whole thing are that he is serious and he is a really good basketball player. I loved him at ‘Zona before I knew he was crazy. I bet there are some great stories of his time there.
Oct.13 at 8:52 am
Sam Rubenstein says:
Colon cleaner. I knew I forgot to do something last night.
Oct.13 at 10:59 am
J.E. Skeets says:
Boing, I think Gilbert’s talkin’ bout Harvey’s …
Oct.13 at 11:29 am
t dot j. says:
hahaha gilbert knows da deal if he ate at harvey’s that stuff is filling. tdot………………
Oct.13 at 12:55 pm
MD Shuai says:
He’s not crazy. He’s eccentric. He’s too rich to be crazy. But he’s the craziest eccentric dude I’ve ever seen. But I still love him.
Oct.13 at 2:24 pm
PIMPN says:
more evidence for the fact that hes the greatest player. and my favorite. sleeps on his couch? in a tent? fantastic
Oct.13 at 3:07 pm
achillesQ006 says:
yea i dont like my women all up on me either
Oct.13 at 4:00 pm
Boing Dynasty says:
oh okay, thats whatsup, Harvey is the shit, im with Gilbert on that, if nothing else.(Altought i also sometimes shower in a full NBA uni)
1
Oct.13 at 4:36 pm
Boing Dynasty says:
Harvey’s **
Oct.14 at 3:47 am
Moscaaa says:
The best way to explain this is that Gilbert is really a dog pretending to be a human being. Proof: (1) Taught himself to sleep on the couch and SIT, STAY in his hotel room (2) Hoards videos (bones) without even watching them all just to have them (3) Bites people when wrestling. This guy truly is one of a kind…SLAM, you HAVE to give him his own little section in the mag every issue. That would be enough for me to keep buying it!
Oct.14 at 6:16 am
Darksaber says:
Colon cleanser huh? Wow, zero G is righteuos!
T’was the summer of the Arenas, Adidas Campaigns, signature shoe, esquire interest and lots of crunches…damn, fuck the puss..i mean the christies, get Gilberto his own tv show. NOW
Oct.14 at 1:31 pm
jr says:
he gets cooler every week!
Oct.14 at 4:55 pm
H to the izzo says:
I think that they should give Gilbert and Adam Morrison there own show together and make them live with each other,I don’t care if they’re on different teams-two of the craziest,wierdist fuckers in the NBA living together-now thats T.V
Oct.14 at 8:02 pm
jr says:
next gil will regrow his afro to help combat the shoot like shaq on the free throw line machine stren bot lent to lebron and wade to use aganist him and dirk in the playoffs.
Oct.15 at 1:31 pm
Kevin Wilson says:
This article is so good, I bought the magazine AFTER I read the article online. Now I feel like I’m wasteful, because one year of the magazine only costs $8.
Dec.26 at 12:45 pm
Juan says:
Gil is the man! We need more players like him in the NBA. He’s the total opposite of players like Kobe. He speaks his mind and doesn’t hid his personality when it comes to the media. This guy is the total package: He’s an amazing player (arguably one of the top 3 guards in the NBA), he cares about the community (donates $100 for every point scored during home games to local schools), and he’s entertaining even off the court. People might see him as being kinda weird but that’s only because he doesn’t fit into the typical NBA superstar mold, and thats fine by me as long as he keeps playing the way he does.
Jan.3 at 6:23 pm
ana8 says:
Gil is awsome Ilove that he is so unique and that he isnt afraid to show it. By the way Happy Birthday Gil (January 6) Also that would be an awsome adidas comercial they should make it. He is a great player and should be an
all-star
1)Kobe
2)Gil