The Pretty Tonys
We tried to get Hugh Jackman, but he was busy…
by Jake Appleman
April 21, 2006
There are only two things that get me amped right now: the upcoming playoffs and Ghostface’s new album, Fishscale. It only seemed natural to combine the two. For those stuck under large rocks — no, not those rocks — Ghost’s latest gem is fire, hotter than magma from the earth’s core. With his latest release, Tony Starks/Ironman/Ghostface/Pretty Toney gives hip-hop some much needed mouth-to-mic resuscitation. One might wonder: how can you possibly combine a rap album and the NBA? Simple. Just cut and paste symbolic lyrics and appropriate various themes from the 05-06 season to add the desired effect.
This exercise is especially fun with a rapper like Ghostface because, often, he makes absolutely no sense; rhyme but no reason, which is actually what makes him so incredible. He’s like the Ron Artest of lyrics.
(Pretend for a second that Ron Ron doesn’t rap and equate his game with Ghost behind a mic). So, making sense out of nonsense becomes the job, until you end up making no sense either…and this is the point when you realize you just wanted to write a bunch of random stuff about the NBA through the most interesting muse possible.
I had my doubts about writing this. But upon mentioning it to a buddy, he responded, “A kilo is one thousand pounds, or three Ollie Millers.” That settled it. A few songs on the album didn’t really have applicable lyrics because they are thematically driven away from words that could be compared to the NBA, or I simply couldn’t find the comparisons.
UPDATE (July 17th, 2006):
Here we are nearly three months later. As you can probably tell, this column was set to run back in April, but we held off on it because we wanted to plug it into the new site. And it’ll be even better this way because I’ll be able to look back on what I wrote and see what went right and what went wrong. I’ll also be able to see what I neglected to include. What I originally wrote is in normal font and the update is in italics. If there was no need for an update, I added nothing.
I listed the songs in the order they appear on the album. Like any good awards ceremony, a single viewing would take about three hours, so this is broken up into parts.
Linkstigators and Gentlemen: Now I must preside over the Pretty Tonys. I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed putting it together
(listening),
Jake Appleman
P.S. If you don’t like hip hop, or Ghostface for that matter, I still think this will be a worthwhile read because it deals exclusively with our favorite league.
11 Responses to “The Pretty Tonys”
Jul.17 at 11:19 pm
Jake Appleman says:
Part I should be up tomorrow.
Jul.18 at 10:59 am
rjones says:
Jake,
You’re f*cking crazy. And that’s why we love you.
Jul.18 at 12:31 pm
Jake Appleman says:
Ok, mr. ed–the chief, not the horse, and i by chief i don’t mean robert parish–but could you at least wait till you see the 8-11 parts of the Pretty Tony awards before you level such allegations. Oh, you said love. Nevermind.
Jul.21 at 4:48 pm
mo roy says:
ok some may comment on the fact that i called him “ollie” instead of “oliver,” but me and o just get back like that. i wonder what hes doing right now… my moneys on guessing how many tostitos he can fit in his mouth. and not the little restaurant style ones, im talking the hearty gold chips.
Oct.16 at 3:57 pm
» Pretty Tonys Part VIII - SLAM Online says:
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Oct.16 at 3:59 pm
» Pretty Tonys Part VII - SLAM Online says:
[…] The Pretty Tonysby Jake Appleman April 21, 2006 There are only two thingsThe Pretty Tonys Part IIBy Jake Appleman TRACK: THE CHAMP (INTRO) “This guy is aSLAM Extra: NCAA Preview (Part 1)As promised in SLAM issue 102, besides the NCAAPretty Tonys Part VBy Jake Appleman TRACK: 9 MILLI BROTHERS Gza: “We got a history,Sneaker Warsby Lang Whitaker The Boston Globe is in the midstPretty Tonys Part VIIIBy Jake Appleman If you need some background on whatRank the teamsBy Sam Rubenstein First, a few quick things to get ARCHIVES BY DATE […]
Oct.16 at 4:01 pm
» Pretty Tonys Part V - SLAM Online says:
[…] The Pretty Tonysby Jake Appleman April 21, 2006 There are only two thingsPretty Tonys Part VIIBy Jake Appleman If you need some background onThe Pretty Tonys Part IIBy Jake Appleman TRACK: THE CHAMP (INTRO) “This guy is aSLAM Extra: NCAA Preview (Part 1)As promised in SLAM issue 102, besides the NCAASneaker Warsby Lang Whitaker The Boston Globe is in the midstPretty Tonys Part VIIIBy Jake Appleman If you need some background on whatRank the teamsBy Sam Rubenstein First, a few quick things to get ARCHIVES BY DATE […]
Oct.16 at 4:02 pm
» The Pretty Tonys Part IV - SLAM Online says:
[…] The Pretty Tonysby Jake Appleman April 21, 2006 There are only two thingsPretty Tonys Part VIIBy Jake Appleman If you need some background onPretty Tonys Part VBy Jake Appleman If you need some background on whatThe Pretty Tonys Part IIBy Jake Appleman TRACK: THE CHAMP (INTRO) “This guy is aSLAM Extra: NCAA Preview (Part 1)As promised in SLAM issue 102, besides the NCAASneaker Warsby Lang Whitaker The Boston Globe is in the midstPretty Tonys Part VIIIBy Jake Appleman If you need some background on what ARCHIVES BY DATE […]
Oct.16 at 4:05 pm
» The Pretty Tonys Part III - SLAM Online says:
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Oct.16 at 4:06 pm
» The Pretty Tonys Part II - SLAM Online says:
[…] The Pretty Tonysby Jake Appleman April 21, 2006 There are only two thingsPretty Tonys Part VIIBy Jake Appleman If you need some background onPretty Tonys Part VBy Jake Appleman If you need some background on whatThe Pretty Tonys Part IVBy Jake Appleman If you need some background on whatSLAM Extra: NCAA Preview (Part 1)As promised in SLAM issue 102, besides the NCAASneaker Warsby Lang Whitaker The Boston Globe is in the midstPretty Tonys Part VIIIBy Jake Appleman If you need some background on what ARCHIVES BY DATE […]
Oct.16 at 4:08 pm
» Pretty Tonys part I - SLAM Online says:
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